Steel, been a while, any chance of an update, had same problems and let her file for divorce.

Computer jock, would you like to share YOUR story?

Already did, now live in Seattle with daughter and granddaughter, ex is in jail for drugs and prostitution.

Are you going to start hour own thread??

Hey guys its been a long time. Whew, lot to catch you up on.
We continued to work together until she moved to Vegas to live with him in early May. She was calling me and texting me from the time she started driving to Vegas. It lasted 2 weeks and she left him and moved back.. While she was still in Vegas, she called and asked if we could reconcile. I told her that I needed to think and we would talk in a few hours. Went for a long drive, did a lot of soul searching, called her back and told her that I didn't know if we would have anything in the future but that the divorce was going to happen. She said she didn't want the divorce anymore and I told her I was going to make it real simple for her.... That it didn't matter what she wanted because I was divorcing her. She called the next day and repeated that she didn't want a divorce. I told her it was going to happen but that we would talk when she came back from Vegas.

She came back, moved back in with her mom. We spent some time together, went to dinner etc but nothing happened to change my mind about the divorce. We spent the entire day together on the 4th of July. At some point I noticed she was texting a lot. I finally walked right up to her while she was texting and she admitted that she was texting him.

The next day, the 5th, was our divorce hearing. For those of you, (and there was more than one,) who told me there is no such thing as an amicable divorce; You need to stop telling people that because we had one. No alimony, no child support and everything split fifty fifty. I seem to recall some people telling me that I was an idiot for even thinking I didn't need an attorney. Some of you need to realize that you don't know peoples situation as well as they do. When someone is going thru the worst time of their life, the last thing they need is people treating them with contempt!

After the divorce hearing, I had to spend a lot of time driving the next couple of days for work so I had a lot of time to think. I knew that if she was still talking to him even after it blew up like that, that I would never be able to trust her again!
I have cut off all contact with her unless it has to do with our sons.
She still texts or emails sometimes. She is miserable and regretful but for all I know she is still in contact with him. I don't ask!

You seem very disgruntled about the advice you received.
Did you follow all of the advice?

encouraging people to get an attorney is good advice. The courts encourage litigants to have an attorney.

All of your posts indicate you never really followed marriage builder program for surviving an affair.
I wish you well.

Did you read any of my post? I had an amicable divorce that only cost us $400.00 each instead of blood sucking attorneys getting tens of thousands of dollars from our misery. (By the way Linus refer to your post on 3-23-12, you owe everyone pizza :-) ) Also, of course courts advise everyone to get an attorney since the courts are ran by attorneys!
I am very grateful for most of the advice I received however, I also felt very attacked at times which was the very last thing anyone going through the hell of an affair/divorce needs!
That being said, I used things from this forum to help me cope with the hell that I went thru with this affair/divorce.
The only reason I posted on here again was because computerjock asked me for an update.

Steel,

I think "amicable" divorce can certainly exist but you came to MarriageBuilders SAA forum, where the vast majority of posters want to recover their marriage - hence, they tend to only file for divorce after an extensive proper application of Plan A & Plan B. Nobody who has gone through a true Plan A and Plan B would consider divorce to be amicable - it is truly the last resort and the option they never wanted.

If you didn't follow MB plans and didn't truly want to pull out all the stops in an attempt to save your marriage (which is your right to do so) then sure, you can have an amicable divorce in your eyes. Many people here would look at your amicable divorce as you giving up (not necessarily my opinion, just as to why others said what they did).

So, I suppose it is a matter of perspective.

Matter of perspective? Give me your definition of an amicable divorce! No alimony, which is a given in this state with a 20+ year marriage. I got my boys, the house, my truck, property I'd inherited and half of everything else.
How'd I do this you might ask? I filled the love bank the week before she left and the two weeks she was in Vegas . I took happyhearts advice and took her to a fabulous restaurant before she left. Told her how wonderful our marriage had been and that she was the love of my life. I texted her, emailed her and talked to her on the phone the entire time she was in Vegas. (Drove OM crazy she let me know later.)
I now have the means to support myself and my sons. She is living on a twin bed in her moms basement and looking for a job. Karma is really a [censored] isn't it? After what she did she doesn't deserve me or my sons!
For anyone that might think I'm being a jerk, I treated her like a Queen. We were best friends and she never gave me any hint that we would be anything but happily married for the rest of our lives. Now, neither she or OM have any control over me or my sons. There was a lot of uncertainty and sweating until the divorce was final but now that its over I really feel that it ended as well as possible for me and my sons!

I applaud you. Sometimes there's no getting over the betrayal. Not every marriage should or can be saved. You got out without having to pay through the nose. Well done.

Please don't get me wrong and think that any of this was easy. These last 7 months have been the most excruciating of my life! I still struggle with forgiving her and asking her back. However, she still has not even really apologized. I get little "I'm sorrys" in the middle of text messages.
After she was texting him on the 4th of July, she sent me an email saying that she should be able to use her phone freely in front of me, otherwise it feels "controlling". She went on to say that how could she be over him already and that it was unreasonable for me to think she could be.

Hey steel,

It does look like the karma bus gave her a good whack so that is good news. Since your kids are older, have you thought about changing cell numbers so that you get NONE of these little messages from her? Alternately, blocking her number may suffice.

It may do you good to be completely removed from her drama.

I'm smiling as I read this.
The truth is someone that is in the middle of an affair is willing to just walk away and waive a lot of what they are legally entitled to.
There is a very valid argument to be made that strategically you are better to agree to the waywardness demands of a happy divorce etc just to get the paperwork signed. Then you can cut them out after the judge signs it. Good riddance to them.

It is so hard to know what you really want when you are going through the gut-wrenching situations of an affair/divorce. I decided that whether or not her and I ever have any kind of relationship in the future that I needed to get an amicable divorce while she was willing to give me one. Now I feel free to make decisions without her holding the threat of a nasty divorce over my head.
She was still partially in the fog when she returned from Vegas and she may always be, I don't know. At this point, I won't even consider taking her back until I get a complete apology and she shows a lot more remorse than she has so far. She probably has too much pride to ever do this. I'm also not sure that I would take her back anyway; I'm not sure that I can ever forgive her for what she has done to my entire family and to our sons in particular. They are still very angry at her. They are at least speaking to her now and going out to dinner with her once in awhile.

I went through a similar situation.
I have such peace not speaking to her since divorce court.
I blocked her texts and I only communicate as required by the court

How long ago was your divorce?

It was finalized in July

But she had already left around April. She would go grocery shopping and return 4 days later.

I've said this many times before...

Marriage Builders is for saving marriages, not for guiding you through divorce.

Once you make the decision to divorce, many of the MB's concepts can be discarded. Divorce is a business negotiation, probably the most important one you will encounter in your life.

One strategy in divorce is to take advantage of the window of a wayward spouse being "in luuvvveee with Mr. Wonderful". It's amazing how many concessions a fogged out spouse will make that they would legally be entitled to just to break free and be with their "soul mate". (gag)