Probably truer than i want to admit.

Kaybee,

Yes, get and read "Surviving an Affair" asap.

Have you looked that the notable thread forum? It has a wealth of information regarding plan A, plan B, exposure, etc.

You said that your H has a different job, but still has contact with some people from the old job. Has he ended the calls/emails to OW or is he still talking to her about this pregnancy? Have you and your H considered moving to a different city/state?

AM

As far as I know, he has stopped calls and emails. But, you know, he has work email account. He can't call from work phone, but he could always buy the pay as you go phone. The story is, no talk on pregnancy. But does the saying go, How do you know when a WS is lying? --Their lips are moving. So I can't trust him.

I have brought up the move. He balks, of course. The difficulty for me is my parents, my dad is elderly (87) and kind of frail. Mom is younger, but not of best health. I am only family nearby. At the same time, I have brought it up as a possible only solution.

When children are told, does BS usually do the telling, or do they tell together? He will not want to tell; at the same time, he will be furious for being left out of process..."turning them against him." Earlier on he warned me to not use the children against him. No threat exactly, just "don't use the children against me." This was after my little one started crying and I pointed out that he was upset about circumstances. He is the delusional type spouse who thinks the kids are oblivious. He thought I was telling things to upset them. Absolutely not. I have been trying to protect them, but they are not dummies.

KB,

"turning them against him."

Under no circumstances should you accept fault for the consequences of HIS affair, and his near destruction of his own family. Tell him you are done with lies and you have no obligation to lie for him.

You are responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage before the affair, but this is still no excuse for him. Tell him not all people with unmet needs have affairs, just like not all broke people rob banks.

I didn't track down my biological father until I was in my 30's btw, so there is also a long term component to this OC situation.

God Bless
Gamma

Some of you went through a lot, and for awhile. I guess I went through a heck of a lot in a short while myself. I keep going back and forth over working on it.

So I ask you all, what made you stay and continue to work through it? Sounds like it took years...I mean years of continued contact sometimes. I don't think I could do that.

I am leaning here towards letting everyone know, but there is this little voice inside me as well wanting me to hold on. Because of how I have come to feel, and how divorce in a way feels like a relieving option (yeah, I know it won't be easy, I know it will be terrible...we actually had ringside seats to similar circumstances of a friend, in this case the wife was WS. It was one of the most acrimonious divorces I have ever heard of. My sons are friends with their boys. They know how those boys feel about the situation. In the end, which was reached a couple of weeks ago, husband got full custody, and sons are not to be exposed to mother's new husband and his sons--he was adulterer---otherwise she will be in contempt of court. THAT lawyer is the one I am going to use. Also, my husband's sister did almost same thing, a few years back...difference being their kids grown...ironically my husband was so angry and disgusted with sister for doing that...what????). The reason I feel like holding back, is that I want to meet with lawyer, and make sure the boys and I are protected. I want to know my options. I want to be prepared in case total reveal blows up in my face. I don't want to scramble. Even if I don't divorce, I want to meet with lawyer first.

Does that make sense? I'd rather have the upper hand in all of that.

There are three possible scenarios that are working out here, as far as I see it:

1. He is biding his time to eventually be with her. I don't know if this is true. A part of me thinks he may be hoping she stands up in this way. I think some of his frustration early on was that she wasn't trying to hold onto him as much as I was. Yeah some prize, a booby prize.

2. He genuinely wants to work things out. But frankly, in many ways it is too little too late. He mostly wants to move past it, instead of work through it. No deal.

3. The one I think may be the option, back to what it was, me oblivious and them surreptiously meeting up. Fun, exciting, DISGUSTING.

You tell them without him. If he's there, he'll try to downplay it or make up some random thing to blame you for and, therefore, derail the conversation.

When he complains of your telling them and says it's damaging them or his relationship with them, remind him that your telling them didn't hurt anything--it is his adultery that is hurting them and to knock off the blame-game.

I'd install a keylogger and spyware on the phone to see what he's up to. For now, assume that he's still in contact.

Expose this to OW's employer/command and, most importantly, to her husband. I called my FWW's OM's wife while she was at work. Ask if he's free to talk and, if he isn't, just to listen while you go over everything. Give him your contact info should he have any questions later. And don't worry about mentioning the OC thing. He'll put two and two together real quick. Actually, that's probably the first thing that'll come to mind.

But make those calls and talk to your kids, ok?

Yes, it does.

You approach it as explaining what happened, that y'all are trying to recover the marriage, and that you'd appreciate that person using their influence to keep OW away from your husband.

Whatever you have been told about OW's husband has been through your WH's filter, correct?

No doubt that OW has portrayed her husband as a vile drunk that roams the street kicking dogs and tripping little old ladies. I'm sure he's been abusive to OW, hits her all the time and makes her clean the floor with a toothbrush.

You get the idea. She (OW) has to make her husband into a villain to justify her adultery or else it doesn't work. No doubt that your WH did the same about you, so don't be too surprised if OW's husband turns out to be a really normal Mr. Rogers kind of guy.

Tell your kids alone.
Tell the OWH ASAP about the PA and potential paternity dilemma.

Whatever you have been told about OW's husband has been through your WH's filter, correct?

No doubt that OW has portrayed her husband as a vile drunk that roams the street kicking dogs and tripping little old ladies. I'm sure he's been abusive to OW, hits her all the time and makes her clean the floor with a toothbrush.

You get the idea. She (OW) has to make her husband into a villain to justify her adultery or else it doesn't work. No doubt that your WH did the same about you, so don't be too surprised if OW's husband turns out to be a really normal Mr. Rogers kind of guy.

That's pretty much what my WH's POSOW told him... And imagine my surprise when we found out that was not the truth.

Kaybee,

I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but I will say you are in the best place possible for advice, venting, sorting out and learning.

I will address the issue of telling the children the whole truth about what is going on in their lives. Right now, they know more than you think they do and are trying to figure out how to feel. I chose to tell my kids by myself because my WH has an aversion to truth and I didn't want them misled in any way. I have three kids and I chose to tell them individually because of the age differences - I had to be age appropriate, esp with my youngest who was five at the time. I cannot stress enough that they NEED to know this is not their fault. Kids tend to wonder what they did wrong and how they could've done things differently in order to change the circumstances. They are too young to realize, on their own, they didn't do anything to bring this about; that is why they need you to help. This is a good reason to tell them nothing but the truth and assure them the fault is not theirs to own. My kids are older now, and eventhough my marriage is not recovered, they know and appreciate that they were and continue to be told the truth. They have even thanked me for it and it has given them the security of knowing there is someone who will always be straight with them. Consider this, if the OW tried to push the OC into your WH life and the kids found out the hard way, they will wonder why you didn't tell them about the OC and will wonder about other details they may be missing.

As far as your husband ever asking you to "get over it" or "lets just move past this", don't allow him to drive the recovery bus. You need to heal in your own way. Sweeping things under the rug creates a huge bump and eventually you will trip over it and wonder why you didn't get rid of it a long time ago.

Hope this gives you another perspective as far as the children go. Praying for the best for all of you.

I agree. And I agree that you should DEMAND that he never have anything to do with this OC or with the OW again. If the OWH knows he is around, he can keep him away. And like I said, that skank probably has no idea who the child belongs to. There is no telling how many other guys she is shagging.


We will help you set up your life in a way that will be affair proof so you don't have to worry.

Tell them on your own and you can tell him later. I would use the word adultery and be sure and tell them why adultery is wrong. Give them the name of the skank so they will know who their enemy is. Children as young as 4 understand what adultery means.

Kaybee, there is no reason to decide right now on recovery or divorce. You are still reeling with the intense emotions...so trying to decide now is not smart. You would be better to decide NOT to decide at this point.

However, it is wise to follow the MB plans because it will put you in a better position, down the road, to make the right decision. It will get you started on your own personal recovery. At the same time, you will be able to get a good indication of your WH sincererity because you will have the benefit of seeing his ACTIONS (or inaction) to turn his life around and earn back your trust.

You will have control...and control gives you peace. Decide NOT to decide at this point.

pokerface gave you GREAT advice. Just go with the plan and you can't lose either way. But you will be keeping your options OPEN in case you do decide to divorce in the future.

Exposure is telling the truth about what is going on in your life and asking for support. I'm not sure how you think it will blow up and ruin your case. In fact, exposure will GIVE you the upper hand. The truth is the truth.


Exposure is your most powerful weapon in dealing with all three scenarios. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure will take care of that. It also bursts the fantasy bubble of the waywards and forces them to see the ugliness of their own actions. Having an affair is no longer any fun when everyone is watching and holding them accountable.

Furthermore, telling the OWH is the right thing. It is cruel to leave this betrayed husband in the dark. I would have given anything for someone to have had the guts to pick up the phone and inform me of my WH actions. Please, be the one to do the right thing...doing right is never wrong.

I am in Plan B and planning on getting a divorce.

Exposure is still the best thing I ever did. And I was so afraid. I thought my dad would physically attack him. Everyone was wonderful.

I told the whole town! OW who liked to paint herself as the virgin mary couldn't get out of bed for three days afterwards!


Its not just to recover marriages, its also to prevent 'buddy' divorces and the OW replacing you.

Exposure will prob reveal more secrets to you than you do to others.

People told me all sorts of things, which in themselves meant nothing but pieced together told me a lot of A stuff I didn't know about. Chance sightings of them etc.

He had also told people lies about me in order to explain any upcoming separation.

He also planned to pretend he and OW had fallen for each other after our separation. I know that just one or two people knowing wouldn't have mattered. But the shame of everyone knowing broke them up.

It was his poor reaction to exposure that led me to Plan B and divorce.

There are many amazing former waywards on these boards, but they are open and honest about their pasts.

A secretive, angry jerk is a waste of time.

The plans keep your options OPEN. Divorce or recovery. Dr H designed them with YOUR personal wellbeing in mind and that of your children.

I exposed to two BHs. They both thanked me. BH#1...contacted him at his work via email. He asked me to call him and I did. BH#2...I knew this man and called their house. OW2 answered the phone and I told her plainly that I wanted to talk to her BH. We hung up. She sent me an email trying to make me out to be a psycho that was calling her house and hanging up on her BH...I had only called that one time. She lied her butt off in the email and then told me to let her know a good time for her BH to call me since she knew I would continue to try and reach him. BH called me (while she stood by him.) Yes she was beyond stupid and thought this would work lol.

I'm now divorced and so are both the BHs. BH#1 was also a cheater and ended up being an ahole himself.

Hello Kaybee,

How are you doing today? I don't post on MB very often any more but I can tell you that this place very nearly saved my life and did save my sanity.

I wanted to address the questions I quoted above. The OC is a non issue until if/when paternity is established. Right now that child is assumed to be a product of the marriage. Your focus needs to be on working the MB program and getting your WH to go NC with the OW.

So, back to the questions can love come out of hate? In my experience, a big yes! The bigger question is can your WH do what it takes to earn your love back?

What happened in my marriage: During my H's second affair the OW got pregnant. On top of that revelation my own prior affair was revealed to him. There was a great deal of anger and bitterness on both of our parts. I think we worked through my A pretty thoroughly but his unbeknownst to me was ongoing. After many, many ddays and pain I filed for divorce. He then decided he wanted to "work" on things so I put the D on hold. More time passed and I found out he still had a cell phone with HER and he was seeing her and the OC behind my back. I was D O N E. I made a very tough decision to simply exist in the M until my daughter turned 18 and graduated HS so that she could never be exposed to his tramp and their OC. I didn't tell my H this. So we co-existed and I tried not to be invested in the R process. What happened during this time was my H worked things out for himself. He figured out he needed/wanted to be right with God. He realized in order to do that he had to make things right with me and our children. He started making an incredible turn around the result of which was I fell in love again.

Were things perfect? No. He still needed to stop the habit of lying to me about her contacting him but it did over time get better and better. We now have visitation with the OC. This has been going on since he was 4 years old. OW communicates with me for the most part though H does still do the pick ups and drop offs.

We have a good marriage now. He is a good man. I am grateful I was given the opportunity see the amazing turn around and see God transform my husband. I can honestly say even with the huge amount of stress in our lives that we love each other very much.