I need help determining if I am unreasonable in requesting my boyfriend not do something. Background: We were in an intimate exclusive relationship for 8 years. The relationship ended, and we are now considering getting back together. One item that seems to be a major complaint for my boyfriend is he felt I tried to control who he could talk to. My boyfriend gets great personal satisfaction from helping others. It gives him a good feeling. He is telling me ahead of time that he will be helping others whenever he wants to, and that could include going into the homes of single women to help them with handy man type stuff. I understand the good feeling he gets from helping others, and I suggested to him that their are lots of friends and relatives he could help to get that feeling. Quite honestly this is a deal breaker for me. He says I don't trust him. I just feel that really these single women are not close friends and I dont understand why this is so important for him especially when I have ask him not to.

He shouldn't be trusted if he intends on having opposite sex friendships. It is obvious he puts those friendships above your relationship so you would be wise to view that as a deal breaker.

I encourage you to read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Harley

Yes, definitely do not get into a relationship with him again. He's willing to go into the homes of single women to do handyman type work even if you don't like the idea. That shows he cares more for himself than you. That alone is enough.

SC, welcome to MB!
I agree with the responses above. I would definitely pick up a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. You will gain an entirely new perspective on your dating situation. Marriage Builders can prepare you for dating with intent to find someone to spend the rest of your life with in a relationship you never dreamed could be so good!
Enjoy the journey!
~optimism

Thank you for taking the time to respond and help

SC, go over to our Surviving an Affair forum. The forum has thousands of affairs that all began as opposite sex friendships. Thousands. The ones most likely to have an affair are the ones who say "I would never have an affair!!!" It happens to them because they have the worst boundaries. They believe they are immune.

ML, I try to be as reasonable as possible, it is very difficult to communicate with him. I know these women he is intending to help. I have seen them in action. He says that if they "cross the line", he would stop it. Problem is my line is different than his line. He believes as long as he is not sleeping with someone its ok. He does not want to understand that there as different levels of betrayal. ***EDIT***

He's an ex-boyfriend you are thinking of getting back together with. If you don't like his boundaries around women and he has no interest in seeing otherwise (and 8 years should be enough confirmation), then move on. Easier said then done of course, but he's not your boyfriend right now so what is the point of going back? To try and change him? Be realistic. What is the point?

SC67,

When we were at a meeting at our children's school, one of these women approached him and proceeded to massage his shoulders. She calls him for help and advice often.

Not only is he humiliating you, but he is doing this at his childrens school, he needs to come to grips with his huge need for female approval. Does he also help other men?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, Yes, he helps other men, and couple friends, and family. It makes him feel good about himself. I understand this. My point is for a very busy man, there is enough male friends, family and couple friends to help to get the feel good feeling. My feeling is, if for no other reason, our relationship should be important enough to him that he would accommodate my request.

Why did the relationship end in the first place?

Why are you considering getting back together?

Are the children you are referring to your joint children?

Personally, I would not be entering a relationship with someone who has such poor boundaries - BTDT, seen the movie, never again . But some folks are bigger gluttons for punishment than I am...

AGG

AGG, We are both divorced with 2 children each. ***edit***

I am considered a fairly modern and educated woman. At the same time my views and values in relationships are fairly traditional. ***edit***While there is enough stuff to do around my place, I tried to never make him feel that he was obligated to. I guess if it's his nature to be helpful, then he should have just wanted to help me. There was resentment on my part at times.

So why did you break up, and why are you pondering getting back together now, knowing all these serious issues with him?

AGG

AGG, I am assuming you are male, so it's great to get a male perspective. Our situation is somewhat complicated. His divorce was particularly nasty. His kids by his own words are more needy than average, and remains so 8 years older. No one in that family quite grasped the concept of divorce, time with Mom, time with Dad. Now, I had also recently been through a divorce, so I could relate to divorce, and while divorce is difficult for everyone involved, my kids "got it". All kids are about the same age. I was extremely supportive during his divorce, but his head was spinning and he let our relationship suffer. I broke it off. We got back together, and the second time around, we both pretty much let the relationship slide, and I acknowledge my mistakes. He tried to mend his mistakes, and while I acknowledge his effort, I don't believe his heart was truly into making the changes. Bottom line we both let it deteriorate. So this on again, off again, has been going on for over a year now. We can't seem to let go, both of us. At least I can smile a bit, because these aren't even the serious issues, there is so much more, probably too much for here.

Were you having an affair with him? You say you "recently" got divorced but have been dating him for 8 years?? You were having an affair?

I had recently been divorced at the time. My divorce was just before his, so I knew what it was like to go through one.

Was he married when you started dating him?

We were both married when we started dating, not proud of it, but I acknowledge it to my close friends. We all have done things that may be considered not so bright. He on the other hand will never acknowledge his affair, and will take it to his grave. Will never tell even his closest of friends, even though I am pretty sure they know. It's fairly common knowledge, except may be for the kids. My ex husband and I have come to be friends again, and we can talk about anything, including our own relationship problems. His ex wife and him fight about every little thing, like cats and dogs. My marriage ended first. Two years later his marriage ended mostly because his wife started having an affair. You must think what kind of an idiot am I. Messy, oh yes. But that was 5/6 years ago, so its in the past, but obviously it still has an impact and creates issues in our relationship.

Do both your spouses know?