C21,

Then get him fired from his job and hopefully shamed out of his profession. Can you gather evidence on other affairs he had with customers wives etc. This is much better than beating him up.

A few posters have beaten up OMs, in one case when he found them "together" and sent the guy to the emergency ward. Without any consequences except the OM was terrified to call the police, and his WW snapped out of the fog fast. I don't recall the name of that BH but it was recent.

In the case of Mike_C2 he beat up the OM a year or two later and went to court but nothing happened, often the OM wants to keep the scandal small. But he did admit it could have gone really bad for him, also you don't want to have a record.

I do understand your desire however, I want to find OM2 partly for that reason, and my W knows what I'm like so unfortunately is reluctant to tell me the truth.

God Bless
Gamma

A few posters have beaten up OMs, in one case when he found them "together" and sent the guy to the emergency ward. Without any consequences except the OM was terrified to call the police, and his WW snapped out of the fog fast. I don't recall the name of that BH but it was recent.

mirrormirror

old mittens (or something like that) was another one, and that POSOM didn't do anything either.

C21, I understand where you are coming from. I KNOW that rage...I've been there. However, I also NOW acknowledge that was way out of line and I regret what I did...but not for the reasons you may think.

I spent a couple of days in jail for beating the living hell out this [censored], but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't.

Did it seem like a good idea at the time? Yep!

Did it feel good as I was engaging in my "manly" command performance? You betcha!

You know what though? I've never regretted spending time behind bars for what I had done. I've never regretted beating the living snot out of this guy. But I'll tell you, the one thing I DO regret is allowing someone else's actions dictate my response in a way I normally wouldn't. This whole thing pushed me into a territory that I was completely unprepared for. Lack of self control. That's the only thing I feel bad about (to this day).

But we're guys....this is what we do, when provoked properly.

If I were you I would take a passive/aggressive approach here. I would call his sorry [censored] up and tell him no matter how long it takes, that one day, he WILL face you, and when that day comes, he'll wish was never born. I'm not gonna lie, the [censored] whipping I gave felt great, but if I had it to do over again, I would take this approach. Let him spend the next few years trying to figure out when and how it's coming. Then leave him alone to let him wallow in it.

His imagination will take care of the rest.

Trust me on this one.

Viper - that does sound like a good idea. I sometimes drive by where he works (he's a car salesman for chrissakes) and look around for him. I've only seen him one time and he scampered back into the building. I like to think he sees me driving back and it causes him great anxiety. Right now I have absolute self control. I have done nothing to him physically. I have met with him personally (before I knew the details of what happened) and for the most part stayed in control. If I knew then what I know now about what happened I would not have been able to remain in control. My thoughts are, what am I going to tell my son when he becomes a man and finds out about this affair. Won't it make me look like less of a man for not beating the hell out of this guy? How do I explain to him that another man slept with his mother and I stood idly by and just had a chat with him? This is one thing that bothers me daily and I have not resolved yet.

The other thing is what if my wife does this again? What if it was not the medication after all? Hell, what if she has done it before or is doing it right now - this just happening to be the time I caught her? The only way I caught her was by getting her cell phone and reverse engineering it. I was able to read all of the texts, even the deleted ones, so at least I do know the entire story. He courted her for months, made her think he loved her, and when he got sex he stopped talking to her. At this time, she panicked, realized what she had done, realized I would divorce her, and went head over heels trying to get him "back". This sexual part took place over a 2 week period. I met him with her at a restaurant, he looked like he was about to cry, I told him if he ever came around my wife again I would kill him. He said for him it was just about the sex and he never loved her. She cried. Etc. After this my wife was extremely devoted and loving to me. We went to a Weekend to Remember and our marriage seemed strong as ever.

Fast forward to today, about a year later. My wife is rejecting me sexually again and makes me feel like a pervert for wanting to have intercourse once a week. She constantly has an excuse anytime the possibility of intimacy exists. I am going insane. I am a normal man. I want intimacy and yes I want to make love to my wife. When she constantly rejects me I feel like she doesn't love me and I am just a damn fool. That maybe I am the only one who ever loved anyone in our marriage. That maybe the only reason she stays with me is for our son. And when our son is 18 she will be immediately out the door.

I have a lot to offer. I love my wife. I have a doctorate. I make a good living and provide a nice life. We have a nice home, cars, etc. But the simple fact is, if someone doesn't love you, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot buy someone's love. And I love my wife more than any other woman on this planet. I feel that God sent her for me. She is supposed to be my Eve. But I am not so sure she looks at me as Adam. I think in her mind I am a chain around her neck - holding her back. Everything I've ever done is for her and my son. I would never want my son to grow up with divorced parents. Even when the affair came out I never really considered divorce. I love her that much. If she had another affair I still wouldn't divorce her. What is wrong with me? What if she is just using me for my money and doesn't love me at all? How can I ever know for sure? What if my son isn't even my biological son. What if she was having an affair before we were married? What if I have been that stupid all of these years?

C21,

It seems as though your W's A ended quite some time ago, but the two of you have not recovered the marriage.

Have you considered signing up for the MB on-line course? It provides a very specific plan for recovery, as well as a coach that assists you, and access to Dr. Harley for questions. My H and I completed the program. Without it, I think we would have divorced. Would your wife commit to working the program for a period of three months or so?

BTW, your statements about not divorcing your wife if she had another affair remind me of my H's OWH. He suffered through two affairs that were kept secret, one abortion, and the widely-exposed affair with my H. He never put his foot down and told his W that she could not stay in the marriage if she were such a tramp. Recently, she left him. I think he is better off without this incredibly selfish woman. My advice is to not accept living in misery in a loveless marriage. It is possible for both of you to be in love.


AM

A felony assault conviction wouldn't help your livelihood either

I don't know, I honestly don't think I could love anyone else but my wife. I feel she was meant for me to find and live my life with. I want to make her happy and give her a great life. But all of that being said, I wouldn't mind having some happiness myself. There isn't a worse feeling in the world being rejected and being told to "stop" if I do something mundane as touching my wife on the shoulder. It was hurtful to be constantly rejected before, but in the context of the affair it is much more painful. Where do I sign up for this online course? What is the price? I could greatly use assistance and direction. I have read many books, have seen many counselors, and taking many types of medication. Nothing seems to really help. The medication helps, but I end up walking around like a zombie with no memories to speak of, almost like I'm not here at all. I badly want to recover and strengthen my marriage. But can I even do it alone?

C21,

I used to have violent thoughts about the OW. I fervently wished that a house would fall on her head during a tornado and I would sing the song from "The Wizard of Oz". I dreamed several violent dreams that ended in her bloody demise.

All of that stopped when our marriage began to recover. Recover your marriage and the OM will be nothing more than an oily speck in your rear-view mirror.

AM

One word that will address all of your questions: POLYGRAPH.

Polygraph is recommended very often by Dr Harley. You also do need to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley.

You have a choice Sir: you can choose to be a martyr for your marriage and have sex 20 more times in your life OR set a standard in the marriage.
I encourage you to read about "Plan A" and start trying to meet your wife's emotional needs. You also should demand that she takes a polygraph and commits to extraordinary precautions to prevent the opportunity for future affairs. She should agree to these if she wants you to remain in the marriage.

It is important after an affair for the betrayed spouse to have all information about the timeline, how the affair started etc so that precautions can be put in place to prevent future affairs.
Due to the fact that you have Been monitoring you wife's phone then I assume you have had suspicions of affairs for a while.
I have read that in the manic state some bi polar people will go absolutely crazy sexually. Precautions, boundaries need to be in place to prevent it.
You should also explain te affair to your son. This is an important life lesson for him and recommended by Dr Harley

C21,

Click the tab that says "Courses, Seminar and Accountability".

Will your wife agree to this program? If not, will she agree to a counseling session with Steve Harley? I understand that he is good at getting reluctanct spouses on board with the program.


AM

You can start rebuilding love alone.
However before you do that you need to recover from her affair and verify there are no current affairs. Schedule a polygraph. Make a list Of questions you have and be prepared to ask them. This would be the last time the affair is discussed. Based on her answers, you can decide if you want to divorce or work towards marital recovery.

And by marital recovery I don't mean where you have sex two times a year. I mean a loving healthy marriage where both of your needs are met.

If you choose to continue living as a martyr for your wife you will be very unhappy

Armymama I would LOVE to recover my marriage. At first things seemed to be much much better and getting better every day. But then that stopped. My wife started rejecting me, the intimacy went away, and just my presence started to annoy her. I have tried multiple counselors, medications, psychiatrists, books, weekend get aways, etc. I feel I have put a great deal of effort into saving our marriage.

She, on the other hand, is not so motivated. She insists it was just the medication and will never happen again. She expects me to never think or talk about it again and act like it didn't happen. She makes no extra effort at all to comfort me when I start feeling low or even meaningfully apologize. In fact, she doesn't think she is at fault at all, and places all of the blame on the medication she was taking. All of this makes me feel like perhaps I am just a fool. That she doesn't love me now and probably never has. And that the next smooth talker that comes around will be able to talk her into another affair.

I tell her we need to be very proactive so that this will never happen again. She says it will never happen but doesn't seem to want to do much to prevent it. She is the love of my life. I want so badly for her to love me the way she did before our son was born. I want her to want to be around me. I want her to want to spend time with me. I want to be able to make love to her and she actually enjoy it.

As long as these memories are in my head I don't see how I will ever get better. Maybe it's just a matter of time before she leaves me and I'll be alone. Maybe I am living on borrowed time. Maybe I am just a f'ing idiot.

HDW - how does one set up a polygraph? Do you go to the police station? We live in a smaller city - I don't think we have any independent detectives in town?

My son is only 9 years old, I am sure we will have to discuss it with him when he becomes an adult. The polygraph would actually be a great idea if I can find someone to do it. I have so many questions about this affair and the possibility of others that I don't know about.

C21,

Are you saying she would not commit to working the MB program? Even though you are falling out of love with her. Does she know that you are falling out of love with her?

I don't think you are a fool or an idiot. I think you are in need of a specific plan in order to recover your marriage.

AM

I can try. What kind of prices are there for these courses or the one-on-one session? Do you remember?

I am very unhappy. There's no doubt about it. As you say, I live as a martyr for my wife, but also for my son. I cannot break his life apart because I am not getting enough love. That just can't happen.

Armymama - I am not falling out of love with her? I love her a great deal. I just question whether or not she has ever truly loved me, or if I just offered her security (a place to live, money, etc). Or is she just staying with me for our son? I will ask her about the MB program. I just want my wife back, the way she was before our son was born 9 years ago. I want her to love me and put me first. I want her to care how I feel. I want her to want to be around me. I want her to look forward to intimacy with me and enjoy it - not dread it. I want her to be my best friend. I want her to be totally open with me and not live a separate life.

You may have to drive to a larger city. The Police won't do it.
As for your son you need to tell him now. Not when he is an adult. This is recommended by Dr Harley. When my wife had her Affair I explained it to my 5,7 and 9 year old children. It helped them understand why everything was different.
Your son knows that something is wrong. It is not right to just make vague remarks like "I don't feel good" or "mommy and daddy have grown up problems"; that just scares kids

Sir when an affair happens you do not ask. You make a demand. She needs to agree to completely openness and honesty (polygraph), living a transparent lifestyle and following the MB program. Your first step is the polygraph. You need to know about any present or past affairs

This is what Dr Harley says about exposing affairs to children:

Some feel that an affair should not be exposed to children. Granted, I would not tell a 3-year old about an affair, simply because a child that young cannot possibly understand what it means. But I would not hesitate to reveal an affair to a child 7 years or older. Exposure to those between those ages should be a matter of discretion.