How is the conversation on your dates? Conversation is crucial.

Keep in mind, you are one week into this program, as you are one week from last contact. The average out of love wife would not be feeling in love with her husband or sexually interested in her husband after only one week of the program.

Here is a Marriage Builders radio clip for you to listen to, Need_Meeter. Please listen to it if you are serious about saving your marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=68

I whole-heartedly agree. I'm doing the best I can to create it. I've been doing this for 6+ months and I'm about to crack too. I think you're a great source for me personally because you do have twins and you have the male perspective to draw from. I appreciate your help. However, I can't get UA by myself, my wife has to be on baord too. She's getting with the program as I ask and encourage her to read the books. She's read SAA and done some of the seminar from the online program so far. She's willing to do more, but it takes time. I just feel pent up frustration and anxiety each passing day as I give everything to keep 'plan A-ing' her. I'm doing all that she'll allow me to do. I write notes, I try to hug when she'll let me, I try to tell her what she means to me, I'm giving her my time, I'm being the best dad I know how, I give time to the kids, I help around the house A LOT. We make time to go out when we can. I give her breaks from the kids so she can go read or get a project done.

I'm sick of feeling isolated. Her needs ARE being met at the maximum level she'll allow them to be met. She won't agree to more than 15 because we've scheduled it out and we simply can't get more than that without the kids without it taking away time from sleeping. The kids schedules are still so caddywhompus and opposite of each other. Twins are impossible! And we have our 4 year old free agent to boot.

And not to nit-pick it's been closer to a month since last no-contact, not a week. Not sure how that was mis-contrued.

Conversations are usually excellent, but it takes some time to get warmed up for deeper ones, which we do often, almost nightly. There's simply two needs not being met regularly. Affection and SF.

Like I said, you are NOT getting the necessary 20-25 hours of UA time THAT IS REQUIRED TO CREATE ROMANTIC LOVE, it takes 20-25 hours to create and 15 to maintain. If you refuse to do that, then you should give up now because this program will not work without this step.

"And not to nit-pick it's been closer to a month since last no-contact, not a week. Not sure how that was mis-contrued. "

This changes his point? Yes you were nitpicking.

Sorry, I guess I'll need you to explain this to two crying 8 month olds. I mean we schedule time from 8(their bedtime)-11 every night minus 2 nights a week(where I'm gone one night where we typically get an hour that night, she's gone another - she works 1 night a week and we usually get an hour that night. We usually get 2.5 hours those nights because there is usually an interruption with a kid on most nights unless it's the night we go out. What else do you suggest?

It doesn't, ergo, the "not to nitpick" comment.

How can you explain it to them if you are NOT THERE? Do you and your wife have PARENTS or babysitters that could explain it to your 8 month olds?

What exactly do you do that qualifies as UA time when you are at home babysitting late at night when you are exhausted? Are you just counting any old time you are home as UA time?

We try to get babysitters(because 1 usually doesn't suffice with the twins) each week when we go out. We usually play board games and/or do the marriage builder programs. We've had lots of conversations. We make plans together - like enrolling our dd in school. We plan our week together. We're trying to follow the plan. I'm here to tell ya, twins aren't just double the work of 1 infant, often they're 4x's the work because once you get one done, the other wakes up or they wake each other up.

I mean sure we could get 20-25 hours a week, but we'd like be cutting into our already short nights of sleep.

We rarely have time together alone outside of the 8-11 window every night. And we try to maximize that time by conversation, RC and yes sometimes we try to clean up the house every now and again too, but we do it together.

Closest family is 9 hours away. We have friends, but they all have little ones too, and it's impossible to swap kids with most of them due to our 8 month old twins.

Right now we see each other most hours of the day and we reserve 8-11 5 nights a week. We might grab another hour here or there, but we get right around 15 and that's about the best we can hope for in our season of life.

Melody,

I just don't see how you expect them to do it with family so far away. I know that I help out young moms sometimes, but I wouldn't touch twins with a ten foot pole until they were at least 18 months or older. And these are only 8 months. I completely understand.. Do you belong to a church? If I had little kids there is no way I would add a 4year old AND twins, so I think he has a legitimate complaint about not switching off with friends. Is your wife nursing? That was one of our problems as well. I couldn't leave for more than a couple of hours because of nursing. I tried pumping but none of my kids took bottles or pacifiers. So I was pretty housebound until they were one.

Do you happen to belong to a church? We eventually found some responsible teens among the youth or college ones. I finally got a favorite one. Do any of your friends with young kids have some babysitters they could recommend? Keep trying and don't give up until you find one. But I must say I sympathize. When we moved here without family, it was really hard. Make it a priority to find that babysitter!

Hang in there!

so whts the solutionm wekve gone over and over this. put the big rocks in first (ua time) the ONLY time where that is semi guaranteed is between 8-11. going out more than once a week breaks the budget, we simply cant afford more babysitting on top of that. so we get 4hours friday night, 3 hours the other nights and a couple other sporadic hours without the kids. 15 hours is about the max as kids simply just donkt allow it. i cant tell an 8 month old to stop crying or to go to sleep or to stop being hungry. so we either settle for 15 hours OR we stay up later past 11 o clock and become worthless the next day with only 5-6 hours of sleep to show for our efforts.

tiredwife, I don't know how he expects to transform his marriage if he doesn't. Do you know of a way? Dr Harley says he know of NO other way for this program to work without taking those steps. So if you have a solution to make this work WITHOUT TAKING THAT STEP, please share it.

I know of others who do find ways to get in their UA time, so I know it is not impossible. I think others, instead of saying "this is impossible!!!", look for solutions.

Can you help him do that?

So sorry to hear it.

Parents of twins can get baby sitters too. I think this man wants to save his marriage, not come up with excuses why he can't do these steps. He doesn't need any help with that. You don't do him any favors by posting this stuff. You just hurt his chances of changing his marriage.

Please try and help this man, TW, instead of discouraging him.

I did give him solutions to look in his church youth group. I told him to not give up.. Good grief. Why do I feel like you are always mad at me..

Don't get me wrong, most people absolutely REFUSE - I mean REFUSE - to follow the policy of undivided attention. And that is their right! They do not have to follow a single darn step of this program. But the fact remains that this program does not work without it. It just doesn't.

It makes no sense to argue that you can't do it because you don't HAVE to do it! what you can't argue against is the fact that the program doesn't work without it. Don't believe me? Try transforming your marriage on 10-12 hours of UA time a week. See how well that works for you. Be my guest! You don't have to take my word for it.

How do you think its helpful to him to say stuff like this, MADAM?


This man's marriage is on thin ice due to his wife's affair followed by the birth of his twins. He needs encouragment to follow this policy so he can save his marriage. NOT validation for excuses about why he can't do these things. He HAS to find a way. Please help him with that instead of throwing me under the bus when I trying to persuade him to do this.

Do you want this man to end up divorced? Are you saying you wouldn't babysit 8 month old twins if it might make a difference in their parent's marriage?