20,

Have you ever read the Plan A carrot and stick thread? It addresses this. Guidance to people in Plan A is to meet the spouses ENs AND kill the affair.

AM

Over the last year I have been reading this board, it has been an amazing resource for countless people reeling from the devastation of adultery.

However, there is something that I was hoping to get some thoughts on relative to the advice being given to BS�s in particular. There is much focus on exposure and giving invaluable tools to those which have been betrayed need. Much focus is given on spying (gathering information), especially exposure and many other �mechanical� tools. This is great advice as it obviously follows Dr. Harley�s writings.

There is an area however that those posting to BS�s might want to take into consideration which could be of further assistance. That is really focusing on why the M broke down in the first place. Really examining what EN�s were not being met for the love to fade. Discussing LB�s, complaints and why the OP is succeeding in winning the heart of the BS�s significant other. Discussing what specific things can be done to try to meet the EN�s of the WS even in an active A.

Food for thought.

Yes, I am very aware of the Plan A carrot and stick thread. Very good information there. What I was trying to bring out is in the day-to-day postings here to newly BS's.

Maybe I am dead wrong. Hey, not afraid to admit that. Focusing on the EN's portion seems to be equally important to killing the A. A lot of the threads here appear to miss some of that focus.

There is an area however that those posting to BS�s might want to take into consideration which could be of further assistance. That is really focusing on why the M broke down in the first place. Really examining what EN�s were not being met for the love to fade.

Ummmm, I know, I know.

1. Waywards in affairs don't need additional justification for conducting the affair.

2. Waywards are emotional needs sink holes. It is impossible to fill them up.

3. Waywards are cake-eaters.

4. Waywards are so whacked out that they won't remember met ENs anyway.




AM

Give the lady a prize!!!

This is correct. There is only so much you can do while there is an active affair because the WS is in the FOG and can't work on the marriage. Trying to work on the marriage with a foggy WS is about like trying to work on the steps of AA with a falling down drunk. FIRST, the drunk must sober up so that recovery can take place.

So the first order of business is to kill the affair so there will be a marriage TO save.

A couple of more:

5. When a BS takes the lead, dragging a kicking and screaming uncommitted wayward into working on the marriage, it takes a heck of a toll on the BS, physically, mentally and emotionally.

6. It wastes time. In our case, we ended up doing many MB lessons over again. My H's A had ended, but he was very foggy for a very long time. He doesn't remember much of what was happening then.

AM

But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind -- one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation -- the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death -- I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence -- plan A followed by plan B -- represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse.

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.

On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.

In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended.

His advice follows all the advice given here on this forum. What he did bring out strongly was the missing elements of the M which lead up to the A. He encouraged the BH to try to determine exactly what was missing from the relationship which lead to the decline and focus on meeting those EN's now. He also said to stop all LB's immediately.

I think it is a matter of focus and timing.