Q, if she wants to [censored] and moan about the move then I would simply turn to her and say, "You don't have to come if you don't want to". I do believe you are in a position where you would say that.

Then go back to packing.

Remember, this isn't part of POJA. This is a part of YOUR conditions for even attempting marital recovery. Your conditions are NON- NEGOTIABLE and not subject to POJA.

Lay down the law. If she doesn't like it, well freakin' tough. She can figure out how to survive without you.

This. You have no reason to be polite to this jerk.

Being an hour away is no trouble for an affair.
My wifes affair partner lived an hour away.
It's not far enough.
If you want to stay married you need to move out of state

Hell, I would take a couple of friends to his next little sing-a-long and get in his face. Screw the phone.

Even better!

The problem is scumbags like OM don't care.

I think your best option is to just get away , far away from him.
And if she cheats again it's a permanent deal breaker

We moved away in 2009 just to get away from everything and get a "fresh start". Lo and behold, a strictly Internet EA took place with OM1, 2,000 miles away, within a year.

It seems to me that no amount of distance will cure affairs of a primarily emotional nature--the opportunity's always going to be there, and is just a click away.

OM lives in about an hour away , and apparently he's no longer welcome at the coffee shop we live close to. I don't think the trigger will be an issue.

At this point, I feel a lot more threatened by an affair with a new person than with OM1 or OM2. For example, my (F?)WW is starting a new job soon. That's got me far more paranoid right now.

What's the status of the divorce filing?

The last 2 1/2 weeks have been mostly positive.

One of *MY* now-former friend (we'll call him 5thYearSenior) sent a message to my F?WW from OM a week ago, stating "We all miss you and Bradd missed you too.". F?WW deleted the message and saved a copy of it in the "Notes" app on her iPhone. Not really trying to hide it, but not exactly open/honest either.

When I found it and confronted, she said she was worried I'd get really upset if she knew my former friend had passed on the message.

After that, I said no more negotiation on EPs. She changed her phone number and got a new one. I then basically demanded she tell me the true extent of the physical nature of the affair. Lo and behold, I FINALLY got told things that were NOT things I had already discovered on my own. It was nice to have closure about that.

There has been infinitely more openness and honesty on her part since then.

Unfortunately, there have been a lot more Love Busters on my part too. I really need help there with this, guys. I get upset when my need for affection/non-sexual touching isn't met. I haven't had an angry outburst, but I've not been a pleasant person to be around the last three nights.

I'm 3 weeks into Plan A here, so there just plain isn't any room right now for $LB withdrawals--for any reason.

Oh, and yes, I plan to tear my former friend a new one, but he's been too chicken to answer my phone calls so far.

It's completely final. Divorce decree finally showed up in the mail on Monday (which, admittedly, did not improve my mood). Final date is 1/1/2013.

Lease on apartment will be over by then, although one of us could choose to stay month-to-month.

Financially, arrangements are made and final too, and F?WW starts her new job stocking shelves on 10/8. Her job and mine have compatible hours/schedules, which is quite fortunate. There's really not much left legally or financially that's joint between us.

If there's a repeat affair, I'm going straight into extremely dark Plan B+D.

If the progress I've seen of my F?WW in the last 2 1/2 weeks continues, we'll have to figure out what two people in love with each other do when they're suddenly no longer married. I really have no idea what to do then. I'm trying to focus on the right now instead of worrying about the future.

Oh, and 5thYearSenior dude and I are definitely no longer friends afer our brief "conversation". Good riddance.

HDW--I think we might be neighbours--I'm in northeast Ohio, in case you didn't already guess.

Good that she changed her number and good that you called out fifthyear on his crappy friendship.

I'll leave the boys to chime in on the other things. But just keep trying, Q. She'll start to notice the needs you are meeting in her and start to reciprocate.

We'll have to figure out what two people in love with each other do when they're suddenly no longer married...If there's a repeat affair, I'm going straight into extremely dark Plan B+D.

Oh, brother! Do I detect the sickly-sweet aroma of a BH holding out the olive-branch of an "amicable divorce" to the woman whose actions tore apart their marriage, who betrayed her vows with some 3rd-rate musician, with whom he has no children to entangle their futures, and without whose future anguishes (and they will be arriving) he can most certainly do without?

Your mindset is giving her no reason to work to fix what she broke, even at this late date. Your current attitude toward her (the "stick" of Plan A) must be: "If, and when, that gavel comes down, Toots, I will turn and walk away from you as the worst decision I ever made."

You sure do! That's exactly what I did on 6/8/12, over three months ago. Eventually the paperwork came through. Keep in mind our divorce went from "I want a divorce" to "Final judgment is coming in the mail" in just over three weeks.

Then I discovered the affair, and then I discovered Marriage Builders and Dr Harley. I wish I'd known about MB back then. Or, heck, before I got married.

The gavel's already come down.

I've made it abundantly clear that if she wants to leave, well, anything between us is over for good, and that if I find out about another affair, I will do whatever is best for me and I will be forced to stop caring about her or her best interests.

It's not productive for she and I to talk about this regularly. So far she's been trying pretty hard.

Whoa...didn't realize that the divorce was at the end here.

Q, you married in 2006 and she's been cheating on you since 2008, right?

She's had quite a run there, hoss. You'll probably do well stepping out of the way for good.

FYI, Q, today's First Reading at a Catholic mass is Eccl 1:2-11, including "Nothing is new under the sun." Your nickname selection has puzzled me until today.

Yes we are neighbors. I was going to offer to help you burn all of your wayward wife's belongings in a good riddance bonfire. But, you did an excellent job and now you don't need a bonfire! You followed the program and it worked! Now you have to continue to follow it.

As for post marriage relationship I would caution you NOT to downgrade into a shack up relationship. Your actions have saved your marriage. I suggest you ask her if she wants to remain married. If so, remarriage and a commitment to following the MB Program would be very appropriate

Oh I just read this.
She is not being open and she is not over him.
My wife also did this; she was saving a picture of her OM on her phone. He now lives with him. Your wife was saving that letter for an emotional attachment.

I think you should call Dr Harley or email the radio show for advice.
He has dealt with similar scenarios numerous times.
After finding this note I would not remarry her again. You do not want to have a false recovery.

You need to send him an email, listing:
*length of marriage
*history of affairs (2009 and EA and this one and all others)
*brief explanation of how you had filed for divorce, found the website and initiated plan A, wife returned home and agreed to conditions.
* after returning home you know she receives and SAVED a letter
* divorce is final in January
What are his recommendations?

As for your need for sex, I completely understand.
It can really frustrate men that their wives won't have sex with them
But they'll jump in bed with their scumbag affair partners.

Recovery is hard. You have to bite your tongue if needed to avoid love busters.