Dear All,
I'm new to the forum and wanted some opinions on an issue. A 43 year old friend recently got engaged to a 28 yr old woman he'd only met 6 weeks prior. When he told me, my first reaction was "is she pregnant"? He said "no". Are you in love? He said "no". Then why on earth are you doing this? His justification was that he's lonely, getting older, other women he'd been in love with didn't work out, and a few more things that just didn't make sense to me. He says she's a "Christian girl", "she's ok, she's got my back, she also wants to get married, so we'll make it work". I told him to give it more time, but he insisted he was going to go ahead bcos the girl's father had given him an "ultimatum" to either make a comittment or leave his daughter alone. The whole thing was bizarre to me, but he insisted she wasn't pregnant and seemed bent on it, so I wished him luck and told him I'd be praying for him.
Needless to say, a month later, he's calling me saying he's made a big mistake!! They have moved in together (which i thought was a big no-no) and he says they are on different pages, they don't see eye to eye, they're having disagreements, simply put, he's made the wrong decision. It took everything I had not to tell him "told you so". Instead, once again I told him why he should have waited, i.e. a period of courtship should not be 6-8 weeks it should be longer bcos there are so many more things to consider when it comes to marriage. And marriage should be based on more than "I want to get married", or she's pretty, the sex is good, or i'm lonely and need companionship.They are not yet married, but despite everything, he feels he still needs to move forward with he relationship. He believes when things are rough in the beginning they get better later. NOT!!! From what i know, these are supposed to be the "sweetest days"!! Relationships usually start out great and get worse as it moves on, and we hang in there based on the foundation the marriage was built on. "Better a breakup than a divorce", cos if they're having these issues now will it get better as he's thinking?!?! Now, I may be wrong, so I'm asking for opinions out there cos I don't know what else to tell him.

You've already given him good advice. He chooses not to take it.

Why are you giving/receiving relationship advice to a man in a tenuous live-in relationship? I know he isnt married and therefore he can have female friends, but it's inappropriate for him to be running down his live-in fiancee in discussions with you.

He has terrible, horrible values in that he has intimate discussions with other women while pretending to be committed. Terrible horrible standards. Terrible horrible boundaries.

Just move away from the car wreck and associate with better men.

Tell him to buy the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Bill Harley.

I don't know If it will do any good to offer him advice. You said that you thought it was strange.

Common sense says that it's not a good idea to cohabitat 6 weeks after you meet someone, unless it's a war zone or some extraordinary outside event.

My H & I moved in together after 3 weeks (yes, no typo). It was a pretty dumb idea, looking back. I was a shotgun bride too, no surprise there. We got VERY lucky and we often joke today about how stupid we were. I would personally kill our sons if they tried this in the future.

I agree with the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders book.

I would also suggest that your friend has some pretty bad boundaries in the first place so you're not going to be able to fix anything, he will need to learn for himself, preferably before she becomes a shotgun bride as well. I would also suggest that a man in his 40's who has managed to get live-in sex with a 28 year old is going to be quite BLINDED by whatever arguments exist because well.. he's in his 40's and enjoying the pleasurable company of a woman nearly 20 years younger.

If you are female Zoe, take that as an even greater caution that he discusses such things with you.

Telling another woman that he doesn't love is fiancee is just awful.

Plus inconsistent reasons and excuses are usually lies!!

Why would he tell his concerned female friend, or this womans dad the real reason why we wanted to shack up with her?

He'd just look bad and wouldn't be able to rent her short term while planning to later move on to a sympathtic friend.

I'd be very careful about this guy Zoe.

Thank you all for your input.
Indiegirl, to answer your question we've known each other since we were 11, some 32 years now and he's always come to me with his issues. But I agree 100% it's not right for him to keep coming to me. Yes Alis I'm a female and I find it rather disrespectful that he comes to me with this stuff and I have told him so. I've got my own relationship issues to deal with and I never go crying to him. He claims he has no one to talk to; most of his male friends are bad influences and i believe that's how he got into this situation to start of with.
Frankly, I'm done, it' just so sad watching a track wreck about to happen. I told him i'd keep him in prayer and that's the absolute best I can do for him.
Thank you all. Zoe