Hope this is in the right forum.

My H has orderd the online MB classes.

We are at each others throats.

He says he'll do the program. Experience tells me that when it gets rough he'll quit. Heck, I might quit!

I don't know if I can go through another disappointment.

I think we desperatly need the coaching to motivate and guide, not to mention the accountability. Not just for my H but for me, my resolve isn't so firm anymore. I think my H thinks that everything he does, in the way of counseing etc. is for my benefit, since I am the only problem we have; being such an angry, bitter, unforgiving woman. He really sees himself has outside the problem and not at all responsible.

Question: Should I arrange the telephone coaching for me alone? My H says (in a menacing way) that he will not do the phone coaching. Is it for one spouse only?

He told me this AM that he'd put his heart and soul into the program but would not participate in the Tele-coaching because he isn't going to hear how he's wrong. (His tone and body lanuage communicated a sort of hostile contempt for me) This conversation took place and the feeling I had was that I do not matter, I felt pushed around, I felt like he only wants half measures-all on his terms. I thought I'd feel releived to heard he was going to be participating in the program but somehow it felt aggressive and uncaring. I guess if I boil it down it felt more like a threat than an agreement to go forward and change this marriage. There is no softness in his demeanor.

I think I NEED SOMETHING before I go forward whole-heartedly into the program. I hoped that the tele-coaching would provide some clarity, or some framework to validate my complaints. (psychobable I know, but how else to express it?)It feels like unfinished business is plaguing me. Do I go forward, hoping that the program changes things? Is the acknowledgment of wrong doing essential in the begining or does that come later with a denying spouse?

Help me work this through my tired brain, Please.

Bookgal, I am sorry to tell you that you need the commitment of your husband for this program to work. Dr. Harley says that if you take your husband back after an affair and he has not come to you, hat in hand, repentant and ready to do whatever it takes to win you back after his misdeeds, you will wind up in terrible shape.

I don't think you being on the phone with the MB coaches would help much at this point, as he is the one who needs to change things, right? I would suggest that you contact Dr. Harley personally on his radio show, go on the show and talk to him, and then ask your husband to listen to the show afterward. If he is unwilling to listen to the show, I would make plans for a separation.

Thank you for the straight talk.

I also feel as if it would do no good. I guess you cast around for bits of hope when you feel hopeless.

There is a hardness of heart from my H toward me and our marraige that leaves me cold.

Bookgal,

If you are beginning the online program, you have access to a coach. My H and I attended the last weekend seminar before the online program was launched. My understanding is that the online program is similar to the seminar with the exception that the classes my H and I attended in person are presented via video.

The program has you and your husband identify each other's important emotional needs and what lovebusters are occurring. It then prioritizes those via a marital problem analysis. The coach helps you get started with the program and the lessons. It is very a forward looking program, with little attention to the past.

Also, if you do the program correctly, there shouldn't be a time when it gets really rough. The program does teach people how to complain without criticism, how to negotiate win-win solutions to problems and how to avoid hurting each other.

If I got something wrong, someone in the on-line program please correct me.

AM

Bookgal, your husband is a very committed freeloader who does not care about your feelings and has promised not to change. Unless he commits to making radical changes, your marriage is hopeless. After reading his posts, I would strongly suggest you separate and go into Plan B.

I am sorry I can't be more positive, but this is hopeless unless he makes radical changes.

Who is Bookgal's husband? I saw only a few posts by Bookgal.

AM

BookGal,

Maybe YOU can get some insight into yourself and your H with some private coaching. What will YOU have to regret? YOU may learn a thing or 2 about yourself and your husband to 'start' a change of direction.

I think it must be MSaccused - the one whose thread sends shivers up my spine.

Is he your husband? If so I agree with melody lane.
You mention that he thinks that the counseling is for your benefit.

I would suggest you email the Radio Show for advice. If you email the show make sure you include some of his postings so they can see his side

I have read the MSaccused thread. If this is Bookgal's husband, I agree with the posts above. MSaccused is neither serious nor committed to the marriage.

Sorry.

AM

That sums it up for me. I would not bother at this point.

Bookgal, have you read his thread? It was quite amazing...

Bookgal

If MS is your H you may want to read this and see if it fits.

Please Explain Gaslighting

nESRE

When I read MSaccused's thread, I was sure that it was someone just trying to wind us up.


Most waywards will become angry and defensive by the things we say. MSaccused appeared to be completely unphased and just shrugged it off...like he has no sense of right and wrong.


Anyone this self absorbed and entitled will not change until he hits rock bottom.

God bless your heart bookgal.

If it is MSaccused,

I would bet anything that he has had a physical, not just emotional, affair.

That is the reason (possibly one of many reasons) that he won't take a polygraph.

I have seen his like before here many times.

I know what it would take for him to change. He's definitely not doing what it would take.

I agree. He is not that foggy and wayward for no reason. With his non-existent boundaries and his glaring sense of entitlement, I would wager there are numerous affairs in his past.

He will now go on to gaslight his wife by saying that this forum causes problems in their marriage by planting these ideas in her head.

He won't lift a finger to give her assurance that she has the truth, though. (i.e., take a polygraph)

Thank you, everyone. (I think)

I'm trying to schedule the polygraph. Still hoping that he'll just run down and get the poly, eager and excited to exonerate himself! (any takers??)I am doing this to create the situation where he has to refuse after saying he would.

The MB box of courses arrived yesterday. So funny, neither of us will pick it up off the front porch. What's that say??

The help with straight thinking is appreaciated although i find myself so deeply depressed as I begin to see what I'm up against.

What I'm finding so weird is that otherwise good people are so unable to discern the dangers and obvious misplaced energy and loyalties when a married man insists upon OSF's. I really think this has emboldened my H and hardend him against me as people he respects have given him the green light on the OSF and given him validation or 'cover' in blaming me for daring to object. Most people are on his side in this. I have really been fighting alone until MBs. Wish i'd known about it 4 years ago.

MS seems dedicated to being the antithesis of what he should be, as a husband trying to save a marriage. I really haven't taken many of his posts seriously. I'm not sure what his game is, but he appears to be trying to control the process.

Bookgal,

Please hold firm about the poly. I agree with previous posts that your H has more to his "secret second life" than he has said. Have you thought about what questions you would like answered during the polygraph? I wrote a list of twenty-some questions, gave it to H a couple of days before the poly, and told him that the poly questions would come from the list.

Please bring the books in off the porch before it rains.

AM