Hi all- my wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have two children, 4 and 8 months.

The problem is, my wife and I have only been intimate 3 times since last March. I ask her about it, and she says she is just so tired or stressed with the kids that sex is almost impossible. I'm left with the feeling that my needs are not important. We have argued in the past and been on rocky ground before with in-law issues, etc, but intimacy moving forward is nowhere to be found.

I have spoke with her, and she agrees intimacy is important, but it never seems to happen. I do my best to help her as much as I can around the house, I rub her back, but what about me?

I am starting to lose affection for her. What would you expect?

What do I do? Can I pull back from her and say "when time for us becomes a priority" then I will reciprocate (ie back rubs, shows of affection)?

sprucy, the problem is that she has grown detached from you because the marriage has been so neglected. Women need 2 things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man and the prospect of enjoyment. It sounds like you have a marriage problem and if that is addressed and corrected, you will get the sex you want in marriage.

Go read this and come back and discuss: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

That won't work. What will work is spending lots of alone time [out on dates] showing her affection and having conversation with her so she grows emotionally attached to you again. She will start feeling emotionally closer to you in a matter of weeks.

Does your wife work or is she a SAHM?

Is she nursing?

How much time Undivided Attention do you give each other a week?

What are her top ENs?

When you propose SF is it part of a romantic evening together or is it something done before bed?

What solutions are available to help her feel less tired and stressed? Your help? Babysitters? Family?

Please read.
How to Raise Children and Keep Love in Your Marriage#1

How to Raise Children and Keep Love in Your Marriage #2

This just reminds me of our problems with SF when our kids were little. Here's how it went: H would leave for work in the morning, then give me about 30 seconds of his time during the day via a phone call, come home after all the kids were in bed and complain that the house was messy, and THEN, in bed, roll over and say, "Hey, wanna do it?"

NO! HELL NO. You don't get to ignore me all day, growl when you get home, and expect me to get all hot and bothered over you!

Does your wife enjoy backrubs? I know for me, I was touched out by having young children. I wanted conversations that didn't involve the alphabet or Barney. The offer of a backrub after being clung to all day would have sent me over the edge. We had three children in three years, so I wasn't all off of sex, but yeah, having more demands on your body is a big turn-off to a non-romanced woman.

I would find out her ENs and meet those. Especially meet conversation and non-sexual affection. I would melt into a big puddle of goo whenever my H treated me like a pretty girl, rather than a hole.

That sounds pretty typical CWMI, but I'd love the the back rubs...if I didn't want to crash my face into a pillow so bad lol.

Hi, great advice. So an update- I gave in and rubbed my wife's back and legs...no complaints from her- then we talked while she was relaxed. I asked her if there was any single thing that I could do aside from the household usuals. She said there wasn't. But I do know she's exhausted, and our 8 month old has not been a good sleeper. Our 4 year old has had issues adjusting to preschool and being sick on a couple of occasions. Combine that with me getting cranky with her every night because she wasn't in the mood to have sex, and intimacy has gone out the window.

So, I had to re-think, thanks to this site. I asked her if we could take 2 nights out of our week to sit together and chat with no iPads, TV, etc. She was in agreement with that. Then I asked her the big question: ...if doing that would lead to more sex...she responded by saying definitely!

OK, that's my starting point. Instead of getting ticked off and rolling over in disgust, we start with 2 nights a week of undivided conversation.

What does everyone think? Will this work or is she just saying it?

I think that would work! Just don't get pouty if it takes a couple of weeks to work. You should also schedule nights out (the standard here is minimum 15 hours alone together meeting the intimate ENs).

Date the woman! If she is anything like I was at that stage, she feels more like a milk-cow than a woman, and having some grown-azz man come up to take from the family teat without feeding her first is just simply exhausting.

Good luck! I'm glad you could talk to her about it!

Good job for talking to her.

Here you go. The Policy of Undivided Attention

What will work is getting 15 hour of undivided attention per week. Most of which should be AWAY from the home. Plan 2-3 dates per week where you get out and away from the environment where she has been raising kids all day. If you are at home, it is too easy to get interrupted by children, housework, phone calls, etc.

UA time spent after the kids are asleep is not the best for another reason: you are exhausted at 9 or 10 whereas if you plan your dates for 5 or 6, you still have good energy.

It is much more romantic to get out. Dress up and go out for a nice dinner and a drive. AWAY from the kids and away from the house. That gives her a break and gives you time to romance each other.

It take 15 hours per week of undivided attention to MAINTAIN romantic love and 20-25 to CREATE. When you get under that, couples tend to fall out of love and detach emotionally. THAT is where you are headed now.

The UA time is so important to the success of this program that when Dr Harley was in active practice, he refused to take on any clients who would not commit to 15 hours per week because his program does not work without it.

Check this out: The Policy of Undivided Attention

Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other

No, it won't work. It will take much more than that. 15 hours per week. Most of which should be spent OUT of the home.

Good start sprucy!!!


Just be careful you don't harp on the sex by asking her like this ^^^^^ or it will likely become a turn off. Women don't want to feel like sex is an obligation.

Also, why do you ask if she means it? We don't know your wife but that comment comes across like you are already being a pessimist...and you haven't even given her a chance. Be careful if that is the attitude she picks up on...it will be a turn off.

Whatever your schedules and division of "duties"...work, household chores, child care, etc...be patient, hit her ENs, get your UA time in and look for opportunities to help her even if she does not ask. You can also do things like sharing a bath or snuggling or talking a walk to create intimacy while you chat...you can combine ENs.

I assume she does not know of MB, what would you guess are her top 5 ENs?

x 2

I'm surprised that she is open to the idea. It sounds like you're bribing her. Is that what the two of you did when you were madly in love and dating? Sit and talk?

What DID you do together when you were dating? Do that again! Go to dinner, bowl, shop - just the two of you.

Have you read His needs Her needs by Dr Bill Harley? You really need to read the book

I can sooo relate to this!! Sprucy, you really should order his needs her needs ans have you and the wife fill out the emotional needs questionnaires. You can find them through a link at the tip of this page. The sooner she reconnects with you, the sooner your need for sex will be fulfilled. Women don't make live to strangers...and that, sir, is what you are becoming to her.

Aaaargh, sorry for the typos!!

Your wife is going to fall out of love with you, if she hasn't already. Not only are there no payments being made IN to the love bank with UA time, you are lovebusting OUT what was in there already!!!!

Everyone here is right about 15 hrs minimum (that's for people still in love) being needed for her to feel connected to you. And if you had proposed 'sitting and talking' at home as a date when you first met, I doubt you would have gotten that far. Court her properly!!!

Do you know much about lovebusters? I saw two.



This is called an SD or Selfish Demand. We can make requests of our spouse of course, but if a 'no' is punished with anger or sulking or any unpleasant atmosphere it turns a request into a demand.

Very off putting and a huge turn off for women to feel obligated to put out.

Any SD is a lovebuster. Who would you love more? A wife who cheerfully requested your help and negotiated pleasantly if you said no? Or a sulker?



See my point?


This is a DJ, or Disrespectful Judgement if you mean is she lying, or brushing your feelings aside. You've read articles from a clinical phsycologist saying women need UA to feel physically connected and you still think the basic problem is with her truthfulness and commitment to meeting your needs!

Have you SAID this DJ to your wife? Ie 'you're just saying that?' Etc?

I was surprised she was willing to go for such a poor offer of UA time. It was like offering a starving woman half a biscuit.

I believe she is WILLING to find energy and sexual desire for you, but you must give her the tools to do it with proper UA time and STOP lovebusting.

It may interest you to know that if she 'gives in' to sulking and has sex when she isn't enthusiastic or bonded, it can eventually create a full blown sexual aversion in her to you.

If she develops a SA she won't be able to bear you touching her, even when the kids are grown and you both have loads of time.

So by holding out for the right feelings, she is actually protecting your sexual future long term. Help her create the right feeling by getting out there on dates with your lovely fun wife!!