(((((((((SweetPea))))))))))

Sorry you are dealing with this. I know you've mentioned his habits before. I am trying to remember - what is his access to internet like for work?

The home computer is fairly easy to deal with: you install spyware and keep him accountable.

What about his phone? Does he have a smart phone?

As you can see, counseling for his porn use has done no good. (Again, trying to remember, but I think he was in counseling for this previously, correct?) Did you show him articles, etc... on how bad porn is for a marriage?

What have you told him about your feelings toward this? Have you told him this is a dealbreaker for you?

Sorry for all the questions - I just want to make sure we flesh out the extent of this problem. I think it is going to take extreme accountability and motivation for your H to quit this habit!

SweetPea, you have been on my mind. Am wondering how you are and how things are going.

Hope you check in soon!

An update: Sorry for the long absence from my posts. Can't believe it's been since March.

Porn issue: FWH resumed treatment and his therapist said: knock it off. There are NO excuses. He told FWH that when he looks at porn, he "chooses" to do so, and that he is totally capable of stopping.

So far, FWH says he has kicked the habit. My position will remain: verify, then trust.

Otherwise, we've been really solid, but I knew as we approached ANTI-versary time (Sept. 24/25) I would be challenged. I worked REALLY hard at saying nothing, according to MB philosophy.

Until ... Sunday night. I was feeling particularly stressed because a close friend's son had threatened suicide when his girlfriend dumped him. His mom needed my support and the son's devestation reminded me of how I felt on D-Day. Worthless. Rejected. Hollow.

Over dinner, I mentioned how the teenager's distress had triggered memories of my own from '10, and that I'd tried like heck not to let the ANTI-versaries get to me, but I was hurting.

Despite LBing by mentioning the A, the conversation went really well. FWH had been thinking of the ANTI-versary, too. NOT about the POSOW (thank god), but how awful that post-D-Day year had been and how I was still in severe pain that first ANTI-versary. He said he thought about bringing up the topic (to check in with my feelings, healing), but didn't.

While this may sound strange, I was GLAD FWH had thought about how ANTI-versaries would affect me. I've often said on this forum that I feel FWH has zoomed past me in healing, and I sometimes resent that my pain/feelings are stifled under the mantra of not talking about the A.

So, we talked about the GREAT progress we've both made this year as opposed to '11, and how solid and wonderful our marriage is. We were consciously trying to wrap up this topic (a good thing) when he said something along the lines of making sure that we never get to that place again where this could happen. ...

And something in my brain just snapped. I said: Hey, I'll NEVER cheat, no matter how great or how bad our relationship is. It's just not in my DNA.

And FWH was insulted. He felt I was implying that he is the only liability in our marriage because of his past affairs.

And in a way, I guess I was doing that. Wanted to punish. HUGE LB. Turned a wonderful conversation that had focused on MY FEELINGS for a change into FWH being insulted.

Gah!!!!! Lesson learned? NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER bring up the affair. It's over. You've restored your love. MOVE FORWARD!!!!

what happened to trying out the safe-word, sweetpea?

well, ya know, stuff happens. i have done this too - ruined what was a great conversation with my own crap. sometimes we can be our own enemies (of conversation, anyhow!).

the best you can do is apologise, hug & kiss, and move on. you know how we've been saying it's best not to talk about it? that works on smaller bumps in the road too. don't make more out of it than what it was. none of us are perfect.

(and remember, we're ALL wired to have an affair!)

I know exactly how you felt in that moment, SweetPea. I've felt that same way at times - like it isn't fair that under the guise of marital recovery, H gets to skate through without having to deal with my pain. But you know, like you, I'm not the one who has to deal with the guilt. They do. I honestly think at this point it really does hurt them more than it does us whenever infidelity is brought up. You just can't escape it in our world: from movies to music to tv ... even the pulpit - the subject is raised. While it is a reminder to me (and you) too, I have clean hands and so do you. Our husbands, on the other hand, always have to feel that shame. Keep in mind that when you truly are recovering your marriage the proper way, the FWS often feels more remorse over time as they realize the hurt THEY caused, to the one they are now back in love with.

There's been several times throughout this whole process that I've felt like saying the same exact thing to my H: "I would never cheat..." Like you, I just felt it was the way I was wired. The more I've examined things, however, I have come to realize that it isn't my DNA or my upbringing; it's not about the way I'm wired. I've never put myself in a position to even be tempted - in all the 21 years I've been married! I.E. it's about the boundaries, not about ME! Boundaries keep us safe and our hearts protected.

All in all, my H probably would have been insulted too - had I made him feel like the sole liability. Having said that, at the 2 year anti-versary mark, he probably would've felt a tinge of "I deserved that" too. It IS a tough time...I know. You and I are so close in timelines! I triggered badly just last night... but I'll post about that on my own thread and not hijack yours.

You know that one bad remark about the A is a setback but it certainly should not be a major one as long as you are living the life of recovery!

I'm really glad you posted. And SOOOO glad to hear that H has gotten help for the porn issue! That really could've been a dealbreaker had he not.

Tomorrow is D-Day minus 2 years.

It's been a very long and arduous road, but when I think about where I was D-Day minus 1 year and where I am and FWH is today, there simply is no comparison.

We are well. We are abiding by the MB program, keeping our boundaries and meeting each others needs. Are we perfect? Far from it.

But at least now, I feel like we are living a REAL marriage, meaning we know what the stakes are and we know the incredibly simple techniques required to be happily married forever.

I can only hope that when D-Day minus five years rolls around that I won't even remember the day. That would be a true blessing!

Thanks again to all the MB faithful who have helped me regain my sanity -- and my marriage. You guys are the best!

Cheers,
SP

Thanks for the update sweetpea.

Make new and good memories today.

So glad to hear things are still well! I can REALLY identify since you and are on such close timelines.

Agree with Brainy - make some new, great memories!!!