15years, I would take special note of 20yearhistory's reaction, because it really is unnerving that you didn't tell your H right away. I predict your H will have the same reaction. This is vital information that he needed to know right away.

20 Year,

I am sorry that my question has made you feel that I have not changed. I believe the fact that I chose to come to this site for advice proves that I have changed. I am still learning just as much as everyone else on this site. If you reread my original post, I was a little confused about where this issue fit and how it should be handled using Dr. H's policies.

I do agree with you that I should have picked up the phone immediately and called my H, I am actually disappointed that I did not. That however does not mean that I am back to square one. I have not and will never dismiss the tools and advice I have been given on this site. Again, that is why I came here.

I am not trying to hide anything from my H or you guys. In fact I am going to tell him as soon as I see him this afternoon.


In addition, I did offer to move away. My H is the one who did not want to move. I was and still am willing to move wherever he wants to go, and he knows this.

I am going to discuss with my H and my DD a plan in which we never go in that neighborhood again. I am also going to add it to my actual EP list.

I am completely baffled and shocked that you would take such risks. Why would you drive in OM's neighborhood?

Did you WANT to see him or do you not think EPs are really necessary?

How far away do you live from the OM?

15years, it means you haven't learned much in your time here. You knew where the OM lived, right? So why would you put yourself in that position in the first place? Not only did not observe the most basic, elementary EPs but then you didn't tell your husband?? This is all affair proofing 101. It is disturbing that you don't know this and have such a cavalier approach to safe guarding your marriage.

Isn't no contact for life already at the top of your list?

No, I did not WANT to see OM. I had to pick my daughter up and did not have another choice at the time. My H was fully aware that I had to pick her up. In fact, this is one thing I did let him know in advance.

We usually do try to plan it so that we do not have to enter the neighborhood. It is a big neighborhood and I honestly did not think that I would run into him...I was wrong!

There was however no plot or plan on my part to see the OM, in fact I am very upset that I did see him (thus writing on here knowing that you guys would be disappointed in my choices).

This is a new situation which shows me both H and I need to set the EP bar higher.

This incident happened in the present. It is now vs. then. It is a threat to your marriage now vs. bringing up what happened in the past.

Do you see the difference?

A good EP that I made for myself early on was this: If, at any point, I feel like there is something happening in the present that I would like to NOT tell my husband about, I will immediately let him know about it

You didn't just enter a big neighborhood, you went to a house 2 doors down from his.

Guess your H has to be the judge of that.

The only thing that proves if you have changed or not is how you handle life's experiences after you started R.

I pray for your H that there are not other things he is not aware of. You do know that when you tell him he is going to question everything. Right?

I am sure you are going to be open with him and tell him that you questioned if you should tell him or not and came here for advice?

Each experience..one at a time...as they come to you will be a proving ground to your H.


This experience = F


Yep. This is that serious.

I am sorry but I think you were not taking EPs seriously -- you think you don't REALLY need them. Otherwise, you wouldn't have taken the risk.

Which means you are still a danger to your M and your H.

Not to mention, you could have posted the situation here to get feedback. You knew you would be told you could not go to that neighborhood, that's why you did not tell us beforehand.

Lack of proper EP's put you in this postion.


However O&H is where you failed your H here fifteen years...


Seems to me you need to set the O&H bar higher.

Yes, Prista! Thank you for explaining it this way instead of slamming a 2X4 in my face (I know I asked for it) and accusing me of learning nothing on this site and purposely trying to see the OM.

I DID NOT want to go into the neighborhood. I have avoided it for over a year and a half now and never even go near it because of he lives there. Unfortunately I was in a situation in which I needed to pick up my DD right away. No, I did not have another option.

Did I have the option to call my H and tell him right away, yes! That is an option that I had and again I feel horrible that I did not do that. In fact, his reaction might be very different when I tell him because I did not tell him right away.


I am still learning and like a student am sucking in every bit of advice I can get. This was a new situation that I have not been faced with before and I was not sure how to handle it. I realize now that I should have picked up the phone and told my H right away and am truly ashamed that I didn't do that.

So you understand MB well enough to know he takes NC seriously enough to advise a move if necessary. You understand this but not that you shouldn't have gone into OM's neighborhood?

You understand that, but don't post here that you have to engage in a risky behavior that may compromise NC and ask for help/support?

See how I am having trouble reconciling this? The fact that you didn't post tells me you didn't want to hear that you shouldn't go into that neighborhood. Sorry!

Listen to the 2x4s.

Do not allow yourself to believe this.

I did not know this until I saw him backing out of his driveway. AGAIN, I have not entered this neighborhood at all since the A. Please don't turn this into a plot or plan on my part. I came here for advice. You can accuse me of not setting my EP's high enough, Not using O&H, not protecting my marriage to the extent that it should be protected, but please do not accuse me of trying to rekindle the affair. Please do not down grade how much I have learned and instilled MB in my marriage and my life.

Again, I am still learning and this incident has shown me that I need to protect my marriage even more, but I will not take a 2x4 that attempt to make it look like I was trying to see the OM in any way.

I applaud you for coming here. I really do. getting 2x4's is hard. Please know our intention is to help you. Being humble while getting pummeled is not easy.

Clearmind and I have had frank discussions on how to handle similar situations. We discussed hypothetical scenarios had have a PLAN to deal with them should they arise. She has prepared herself to deal with contact, in any form, should it happen.

This might be something to consider doing tonight when you discuss this. If your H is anything like me at all expect his reaction to not be good. However you can take a proactive stance with him to prove your seriousness about this never happening again..both a run-in with OM and also O&H.

Please stop getting defensive.

I agree with you!!

This situation was sprung on my last minute. I had to leave my house and pick up my daughter. I didn't really even have time to think about it (but I did call my H and let him know)let alone get on the MB site and check in with you guys. AGAIN IT WAS A SITUATION OUT OF MY CONTROL. I DID NOT WANT TO GO INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BUT I HAD TO FOR TO GET MY DD.
I will take the blame for not being O&H with my H and even not coming up with a plan in advance so that neither my H or I ever have to enter this neighborhood.

But I don't appreciate the assumptions that I purposely went into this neighborhood,or that I don't follow or think I need EP's. These are things that you have no way of knowing about in my life. I follow every last EP that I set with my H to a tee. New life situation mean that new EPs will have to be put into place but they don't mean that I don't care about or am not following the ones that I originally set.