I have been divorce for 6 months. Altough for the first two months we still were very much togther dinners, lunches, and intimacy. Then one day she started seeing someone else and I was just supposed to get it.

Since then we have continued to have lunch together, eat dinners together, and more but she has been seeing him the entire time. She gave me a list of things I would need to work on for us to reconcile. We talked about restructing our finances if back together. Different scenarios and what naughts. We even talked about how neither of us wanted the divorce even after it, but were to affriad of rejection by the other to say anything.

Now I am totally cut off and supposed to move on.

I dont want to villify her I know she is hurting and confused and the new guy is certainly not helping my cause any. I love her and want no one to ever think badly of her. She is still very hurt and angry over things that happened in our marriage.

I do not want this though, I want to be back together. I am making changes counciling, church, advisors, and mentors. I want to extend these changes to our relationship. I want to give her the partner she deserved our entire life together.

How long were you married? Any kids? Why did you get divorced?

We were married for 10 years (9 full).

We have 4 beautiful kids.

I had a midlife crazy moment after a scary hospital stay. It coupled with fears I had always harboured about having a younger more attractive than me wife, as disappointment in myself that I did not make more money, and my wife having her tubes tied after the birth of our last baby. This caused me to shut down from march until October of last year. I was not mean, but I was a space cadet and emotional distant.

I could give more half reasons but truly the conversations we have had suggest our in ability (or unwillingness) to communicate properly was our biggest problem.

Lack of comminucation on small things, turned into fights on the big things.

Odd thing is we can tell each other "we did not communicate well, lets start" and we still don't. When I try one sided she says she feels shut down.

I remind her of an email she sent to me when I was shut down in which she said "I know you will snap out od this and that we are meant to be together, we are soulmates." Even let her know how right she was and how that email helped snap me out of my funk.

She just gets angry.

Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

It sounds to me like she fell out of love. Did you have an affair? Why were you in the hospital?

I am confused by your comment about your "fears" about you having a younger, more atractive wife. What does that mean?

I did not have an affair, I was however accused of such.

From early on, I never felt I was good enough for my wife. She was seven years younger, so pretty, so vibrant and I am just your average middle aged nobody.

Why were you accused? What were her reasons for accusing you?

ahhhhhhhhhh, I think I understand now. SHE was the younger wife, right?

eo11, it sounds to me like she fell out of love and may have even met someone else. IT doesn't sound like communication was the problem, but that you were no longer in love.

Was she having an affair when you divorced? Is that the reason for the divorce?

A project at work had me interacting with different personal for a short time, so my conversations about my work at home had a new name in them. If that new name had been Bob or Leroy I doubt it would have made a dent but as it was a female name and a pretty single female at that...

As for reasons I do not know, my wife was/is my ideal I never wanted someone else and still get a sick feeling in my stomach at the thought.

I will admit I did not handle the accusations well or the seeming month of daily questions. I said some things to end conversations that were hurtful and I would do anything to take them back. I tried to take them back the minute I said them but it was too late.

I apologized to my wife and even apologized in writing to my wife with the coworker to ensure no confusion.

Yes ML my wife was the beautiful younger wife.

It sounds like she was upset about your relationship with this coworker. Do you still work with this woman? What was it about this relationship that upset your wife so much?

And I agree it was a HUGE mistake to say hurtful things to her about this. That didn't solve the problem.

No affair

She met this guy after we were officially divorced

The day before and the day after she met him she looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me. A week later she was dating him.

I have/do hope and pray that this was just anger and hurt. That she was just confused and in pain (which is what she told me at first).

That like I did from my funk, she will just wake up one minute and say what the heck am I doing.

She was my forever.

ML I really cannot say what set her off on this particular girl.

I know a very good friend of ours (a female) lived next door to a bunch of guys that all talked about this co worker a ton because of her looks or whatever.

I should never have said things at all but I felt backed into a corner and that anything I said would be wrong so i went smart butt thinking it would come accross as "this is crazy" but it did not.

It is a moment I would give body parts to have back as it is the seminal moment in the destruction of my marriage.

I gotcha. I agree it was a huge mistake. See, jealousy is a reaction to a THREAT in marriage and your wife felt very threatened by this woman. Not because she is crazy but she recognized the threat even though you didn't.. ALL affairs start with opposite sex friendships, many of which are at work. So your wife probably knew the extent of the threat.

If you are in a business that has these projects and some of them may have you teamed with women, she knows she can't be safe in a marriage to you.

What could you do to change this?

Also, that is very reckless of your company to team women and men together like that. That is harmful to marriages. In such a scenario, married people often spend more time with their team members than with their own spouses. The result is often an affair.

When my wife gave me the list of things that have to change to save us a new job was on the list.

I have looked and look now, but there just are not similar paying jobs in this area. I worked my way up here over 12 years and not having a degree was not an issue. Anything else I look at the door shuts whne they hear no degree.

I never entertained thoughts of being with anyone other than my wife so I never viewed a problem. Obviously it was there, is there as my ex still talks about it. I am not sure what to do, but am open to all suggestions.

Just as to reconciliation suggesstions. I know that trying to talk it through as a linear problem and presenting the obvious solution has driven her farther away.

I have been told to "ignore her" or "date others" but it seems to me that I got into this mess by being distant and just the perception of others...

Thank you BTW for responding to these folks

Have you seen these?
Should I remarry my ex or just let it go? #1
Should I Remarry my ex or just let it go? #2

Some suggestions would be to go to your boss and let him know you can't partner up with females because it is so bad for marriage. In the meantime, you could finish your degree or get training in a new field. I would brainstorm solutions with your wife.


And this is a big part of the problem. The people who have affairs are usually the ones who say they will never do it. The reason is because they have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. And working on a project with another woman is such an example. Your wife recogized the risk, but you didn't.


I would think of solutions to this problem and discuss them with her in a respectful way. I would also acknowledge that she was correct in her jealousy.


What is the obvious solution you have presented to her?


That will probably kill any chance you have. See, you have destroyed your marriage by putting your wife in a position to have to COMPETE with other women. More of that will not bring her back.

Is this a first marriage for you both?

I should and I will but to be 100% honest I am scared to