WW and I are in recovery. There has been NC with the OP for 5 days.

I am trying to repair some of the things i did in the past to that caused us to be in this situation.

She tells me "i am doing too much and it might push her away"

What does that freaking mean? Still thinking about the OM? How do i respond to something like this? Ignore it?

lost soul thats exatcly what i have heard from my WW as well, i recognized and tried to fix all the things at once. The problem at least for my WW was it was too much and too fast, she couldnt actually believe it. She has said it feels fake and unreal and that things will just slip back to the old ways.

The big thing is to continue making the change for yourself as well and be consistant in yoru actions, only then and with time will she start to realise that the changes are for real and not just trying to win her back. I also got told that i was pushing her away more by tryign to do everything, my WW wants to knwo that the changes are going to stay and that she can believe in them

She used the same exact line "She has said it feels fake and unreal and that things will just slip back to the old ways."

I plan on making changes for myself and her. Be consistant. Just hard to hear this type of stuff, its like being punched in the gut and taking the wind out of you.

Thanks Dotnetdave.

Yes i know how you feel but then i use the forum to vent as well as get good advice from all the great folks on here. As long as you are making the changes for yrouself becuase you recognize the issues then keep going and with time she will start to believe in them, just make sure you are consistant. If you slip back thats what will validate her thinking that the changes arent real.

Another think i got old is it sounds like some of the thngs i say to her are like reading a book, so make sure you put things into your own words as well.

Sometimes less can be more as well, so rather than trying to do everything every single day do a couple of things each day and keep things varied. The biggest single piece of advice i have been given and have to keep been reminded it never has an expectations. If she she says something accept it for what it is either good or bad and use the information, she is only telling you what she feels and only she knows what she feels. So use the information either good or bad to be able to change or adjust yourself.

Kiss said the same thing too me. That my actions seemed fake and forced. He wad foggy at the time. Your ww needs time to de-fog. Keep doing what you're doing.

LS76,

"She has said it feels fake and unreal and that things will just slip back to the old ways."

My W said similar things when I first blundered into MB, but it doesn't matter what your WW thinks as she is only 5 days NC.

Tell her these changes are also of benefit to yourself and you no more want to go back to your old self then a drunk wants to go back to booze. These changes are also important for you to regain your sanity.

You've decided to step away from the crowd who mostly believe marriage is a form of misery and dishonesty which is barely tolerable, ask her why you would ever want to go back.

On top of that you also want to be a better partner for your next spouse in the unfortunate case that all your effort to heal your marriage and prevent divorce does not work.

God Bless
Gamma

Some specific examples would help, Lost Soul. There's a fine art to meeting needs and not committing lovebusters at the beginning stages of recovery.

Do you have another thread somewhere that describes the actions you've taken to get to recovery? Is your wife committed to the recovery plan? What materials have you read thus far?

Usually when someone says things are "too much" it's because you have to learn to draw them to you rather than chasing after them.

Haha, i already used this.

I am thinking its early in the NC stage. So i got to be positive, don't do the love busters, and focus on being a better person for her and myself. This way i can "Draw" her to me.

Example is, I am paying more attention to her words and listening to what she wants. So i try to address them all.

In what ways is she feeling you are pushing her away - doing too much?

It always feels fake when you are learning new habits. Let her know it will feel fake at first until it comes naturally.

And part of the reason she has problems with your attention is because she is in emotional withdrawal from you. The more UA time you spend with her, the faster she will get over that. I would focus on getting as much UA time as possible.

If you can go away for a weekend together that would be a great start to restoring the romantic love to your marriage.

We are going to vacation but with the kids. So i guess thats a start.

Lost,
Why are you posting that you are in recovery?
Has she written the NC letter (from the book)?
Has she released her email passwords?
Has she met your conditions?

What is your recovery plan? Is it Dr Harley's plan or your inlaws plan of "trust her?"

If she has not written that NC letter, an agreed to extraordinary precautions then you are in a false recovery.
Did you ask your Inlaws to move out yet?

It would be a start if you left the kids. The idea is to be ALONE.

Yes, yes, yes

It is Dr Harley's plan.

Obviously i still have doubt with trust issues. Lets face it, if people really wanted to do something, they will. Right now, she agreed to all the demands.

What are her EPs?

What were your conditions?

What were the conditions that lead to her affair?

Have all these conditions been eliminated?

How long ago did you mail the NC letter?

Not spending enough time with the family. I admit i was a workaholic. In my mind, i was making more money for the family.

I did things with good intentions but i don't always cross the "T" and dot the "i"

Not being calm with her, of course, i never felt i was that bad but then again, i never look at myself in the mirror.

Not enough UA time

Sex was infrequant

Of course, we want to work on this but the problem i have right now is, i think she might be still in that Fog mode, hence why i wonder about the response "doing too much". I don't know if its because its early in-recovery or maybe she isn't really dedicated to it yet.