I forgot to take my medication this morning, so I am a bit more morose than normal.<P>In my situation, I really don't think that H is waiting for me to make changes before he will recommit. I think he is waiting/hoping that OW will get tired of the relationship, and break it off. The reason I feel this way, is because of many isolated statements he has made:<P>- "The relationship didn't develop overnight, it's going to take awhile to resolve."<P>- I (Sidney) haven't done anything "wrong" (except venting about my job which I have stopped).<P>- "Why am I so weak?" He blurted this out in a moment of despair.<P>- "Someone is going to get hurt". Another statement he made to which I replied that someone already has.<P>- "OW has her good points & bad points, just like everyone else." He also said he knows the relationship will never go anywhere because it was based on deception.<P>- "A long-distance relationship where communication is primarily through phone, & Email, will not last". She lives three hours away, although he has put many miles on our new Jeep which ticks me off.<P>- He has told me on several occasions he really regrets what he has done. He says he is wracked with guilt & hurting too. (This one is very hard for me to believe.)<P>- I asked him if this was an "exit affair" meaning it was his way of wanting out. He told me definitely, "No".<P>- He also said that OW has mentioned she would like him to meet her boys. He said he has refused because without a "commitment", it would be detrimental to the children.<P>These statements, along with his history of non-confrontation, and emotional dishonesty<BR>have lead me to believe he is just hoping this situation will resolve itself.<P>If this is true, this really hurts. I feel like he is putting her feelings above mine. If she finally does give up, then what will I have left. The feeling that I am just the consolation prize.<P>This thought has been really eating away at me. Does anyone have any thoughts?<P>Thanks.

no just that i feel the same way.<BR>my h said a lot of those things and then i found out in aug the affair had continued for the last 9 months while he had protested that it was over. i finally got him to move out in sep only after i called the OW (who was my best friend) to help me get him out because she was able to confirm that he was still lying about how often he was seeing her and talking to her.<BR>he has now supposedly ended the 'romance' but is still working on recovering their 'friendship'. what all this means is that he has and continues to put her needs ahead of mine. she is more important. i also hear things like 'i shouldn't have to turn my back on her to prove to you i love you'. but i think possibly like you do my H hates conflict and is trying to 'ease' out and hope it ends naturally. he also has said more times than i can count that he doesn't want to 'hurt' anybody. and i remind him that everybody is already hurt.<BR>sigh ...i don't know<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

Im at about 20 + months after discovery... Where are you? I am just now seeing desparation and the real clinginess of OP and my H...I think its a last ditch effort, but I'm glad to say I hear its not going well...<P>Hang on, I have heard, and still am, many of the things your H has said....Its odvious that the OP has some hook into your H and you get the fun of "wait'n see". She will move on if H is really not wanting to go anywhere further with this relationship...Gain strength and insite here while OP persists and vent here, not at home!<P>Bless you...cozy

Sorry, no advice, just add me to the club. My H often berates himself for how weak he is and for not having the strength to do what is right. He has also told me their relationship is basically over except for the "kicking and screaming" - how long he will continue to avoid this last painful but absolutely necessary step I don't know. He feels he "owes" OW something because she could have easily filed a sexual harrassment suit against him (false-but circumstance looked very bad) - and instead she remained "loyal" (barf) ... (I know there is more to their relationship than that, but sometimes I wonder if this is still a veiled threat she holds over him).<P>All we can do is wait or not wait... And my only other advice would be that if you have done some time in a good plan A - back off some to protect yourself. At this point, although H and I are separated, I do spend time with him because he asks me to and I like to (and it bugs the sh*t out of OW I know)-maybe she will get frustrated seeing he can't break off with me either...<P>But most of all, don't let OW drive your actions. Protect your heart while H is in this crazy place... now go eat an ice cream or something-gotta beef you up some sidney!!!<P>Starpony

KStill- thanks for commiserating. Helps to know I am not alone. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever regain respect for H when he doesn't appear to have the courage to do what needs to be done. At other times, I think all of this is a smokescreen & he just won't admit that he is in love with OW. I just don't know any more.<BR> <BR>Cozy- I am four months after discovery. So, compared to you, I am just a youngster! Maybe I need more patience. I just have a real problem with that--- always have. Perhaps this is God's way of teaching me patience.<P>*Pony- The last line of your post really made me chuckle. Thank You. I needed that. I am suggesting that H move back home since he started his medication. I'm certain this will put OW in panic mode as H has told me she fears we will get back together. But, that's not why I'm doing it. It's part financial, and partly that I worry about him being on the drug. And YES, I will have an ice cream tonight!!<P>Thanks guys, you are all so great!

Oh sidney! This is exactly how I feel. My H looks like such a coward to me at times. He tells me that whatever he decides, he'll be sad. OH MY HEART BLEEDS! I just want him to decide, take a stand. It's so hard to have patience while the person you love so much decides your fate.<P>I too don't think the OW is going to give up easily. She also works with him and I'm worried that she will lose him his job before it's all said done, one way or the other. The funny thing is he actually thinks I'M the one whose going to try to lose him his job! Sorry! When he wants a divorce from me, he's going to need all the money he can get! He is going to pay for his two boys more than he knows. I'm going to be the one sitting pretty, while she needs to continue working to keep up the lifestyle he's used to. Can't wait to see it. Oh, now I'm getting vidictive. This is just a temporary rush, they come and go. Divorce is the last thing I want to see, really. But sometimes it hurts so much you can't help but wish they'd GET THEIRS for doing this to you.

HB,<P>You know sometimes I wonder if H really understands how much it hurts to feel like you are no longer the most special person in their life. It is crushing!<P>I read a book that described the pain of one wife's betrayal. She had been raped as a young girl, and she said it was worse than that!! The rapist was a stranger, but her betrayer was her best friend. Thank God, I've never been raped, but I could really relate to that. I don't think men fully understand the emotional part.<P>Hang in there. God help all of us.<P>

Sidney - I don't have much good advice for you. You're doing an amazing job so far.<P>Take care of yourself,ok? It's a long hard road ahead, but you'll make it.<P>Lori

I'm in the same boat. My H wants his affair to end naturally. He tried the "I don't ever want to hear from you again" routine which was recommended by his counselor. But he then spent the next two weeks weeping over the loss of contact with his lover. It made me sick to my stomach. Just because he could no longer have his cake and eat it too. I told him that I wished he would act more like a man and I think that shocked him into getting control. Right now I'm not sure if he has continued contact with the OW. I stopped asking that question. I really, really want to know but I'm not going to ask anymore. It makes me appear to needy. I am patient and am waiting for him to get over her. I have only known about the affair for 6 weeks now. He told me that he had been trying to end it for over a year. I sure hope he's successful, because I won't wait forever.<BR>Hang in there!

My H broke off (for the 3rd time) with the OW in Aug. Just as he moved back out of the house 4 weeks ago, the OW began "dating" my H's housemate. I wish her ugliness showed on the outside--she is one sick puppy. But then, my H isn't exactly beating the door down to come back home...