You seem to think she has to be in an agreeable mood and on board with recovery before you present basic EPs.

You would never have gotten the EP of NC in place like that. And that wasn't a popular idea either was it?

EPs are NOT negotiable items! They are put in place whether the WS agrees or not.

On day one.

If she had refused NC you would have maintained your position SAFELY without AOs or SDs that it was necessary for her to agree to separate from him. Even if it took months for her to agree.

When you pull off something like this she gets to see you anger-free dealing with an important topic.

You are supposed to do the same with the other EPs.

And live up to them yourself. How else is she going to see a safe protected marriage unless one is proposed?

Of course she won't sign up to it immediately. But no one is going to force her.

ok i understand you more now

she is scared n frightened

Stop listening to WW, in or out of the god-forsaken "counselling" sessions.

"Scared and frightened" does not go out all night prowling for a new conquest with a girlfriend. (And if you don't understanmd that that is EXACTLY what is happening, turn in your "man" card and don some lacy panties.)

A correctly done Plan A gives her a clear, but MANDATORY choice: In essence it's full marriage or full dissolution. You cannot play carrot-source without wielding the stick.

Sorry dude, playtime for once and future WW is OVER! She may not today be able to re-commit to the full marriage contract yet, but letting her troll for itch-scratchers while your DS is conveniently away is doormat-land.

What language is this? I'm confused. Can you tell us about this new language the two of you are speaking? How are you using this new 'common' language?

NG thanks for your response, but she was NOT doing this at all there was a group of them all mid 40's+ and all married as well. They actually never went out they had a dinner party and stay at home drinking wine etc so she was never out on the prowl at all.

mb what the counciller reconizes and both of us do as well is that our son is a common bond between us and that doing things with him etc makes us both feel safer. So the neutral language is that of Family and doing things all together as a family. That puts us at least close to each other with common feelings. I have a session tomorrow and i am going to dig more into this with the counciller as well

They actually never went out they had a dinner party and stay at home drinking wine

...as verified by......?

verified by the firned whoose birthday it was, other people who were there, fiends hubby and children, pictures as well

Good enough!

Now, what Plan A (carrot) actions are you executing this week?

cooking dinner on wednesday, time together alone infront of tv, conversations, little random notes, compliements.

I hadnt really planned the entire week and just take it day by day and try to capitalize of her mood. I do have a solo councilling session tomorrow as well where i want to talk over a few things from our last session as well as some things i have come to realiise as well.

I know its not MB to focus on past and personal histroys etc but there is something that occured to me that i think could be very relevant for the counciller to know

When our son was born he went to a day nursery at around 6months old, at the same time my wife got a job there as well and spent the entire duration at the nursery until he was ready to move to primary school (not sure what the US term is). When he went to primary school, my wife left the nursery and took up a position at the school and remained there since. Now this means she has been attached to our son for the entire 11yrs 24/7. He now left the primary school to goto secondary school where my wife CANNOT go work due to not been qualified. So i am thinking that adding to her mindset and situation and depression is the entire sense of loss of him and his dependancy.

Like i say i knowthis isnt in MB but its something that occured to me and want the counciller to be aware of as well.

Hmm. It's not massively relevant to your marriage. Mums get a bit sad when kids grow up and reach big landmarks. She's lucky to have made such good use of her time so far to be near him. It doesn't affect the feeling they have for their husband. But I have long suspected that FC is one of the needs particularly important to her and one of her motivations for staying with you and in the family home.

Indie the point is she has been withing yards of him for 11yrs and now he has gone and she can't mother n smoother him like she has for all that time, she hiold family very very important to the extent that in the pecking order it's always been son, her grandad, her dad, me for many many years

Asking how shes dealing with it is probably a very good opportunity for IC.

Never thought of that, great call indie.

I got a reply for dr Harley and they answered my question on today's show, haven't had chance to listen yet and also are sending me a copy of HNHN thanks a lot indie

I'm surprised HNHN I would have thought SAA. Curious to find out what the good doctor said.

indie i listened to the radio and there seems ot have been a confusion, joyce though it was my wife that i the affair as well 3 years ago, so going to send them another email explainging things and hopefully they can revisit it tomorro.

Yeah, I heard. Such a shame. Now we know what to tell a BH with a serial cheat swinger wife, at least!

Let us know if you get a reply.

Well i just got a reponse back from Joyce saying the re answered my question today so am listening for it

Is this your call?
Radio clip

no