My husband and I have had a confusing sexual life from the beginning. I used to come on to him and have him not be in the mood and be quite upset when I was rejected. Over time this led to me initiating much less. My husband always insisted I shouldn't be hurt. While over time I have come to not be hurt by his refusal i still find it somewhat emotionally draining. Also, of course, as a woman? it takes effort to be sexually prepared and then get nothing so I have now become accustomed to never really be in the mood for sex.

However, I have perhaps pretty much never turned my husband down and I'm always open and happy to engage even if it takes time to warm up.

Anyway, we have had many fights about this though b/c occasionally he will say I don't initiate sex enough and then I"ll say I do just as much as he(true) but he still seems upset.

I don't get it, I used to think he just didn't want sex that much (too tired, too depressed, too stressed--too everything)So I reduced the amount I tried to have sex with him. But now its like he's saying wants me to constantly ready and revved up for sex and asking him for it even if he turns me down 66% of the time? Not only that but he wants me to responsible to for initiating most of the time. Not only is it not natural but its confusing. I don't understand what he wants b/c he doesn't flirt or come on to me but then he says its b/c I never give him signals I'm thinking about sex. Well I used it to but it never bore fruit. And even now when occasionally do it doesn't bear fruit. He usually just ignores me. But then he gets upset like this.

Evidently he wants more sex but he refuses to initiate! It's not like I ever say no! And I always throw myself into wholeheartedly when he initiates.

Does your husband look at porn?

Yes

But I don't really see how it relates to his confusing attitude.

That is the cause of the problem. The contrast effect is part of the reason why he doesn't desire you. He is probably also masturbating which even further lowers his desire for you. If he would give up the porn you will notice a huge difference in your sex life.

How much UA time do you get every week?

He is just saying this to throw you off balance. The true issue is that he does not want to have sex with you. He is self gratifying which takes his desire away for you. With him looking at porn, you are essentially competing with porn stars and will always come up lacking. The contrast effect from porn is very harmful to marriages.

But he's the one who starts the argument saying I don't initiate enough then he goes into a downward spiral of depression about our intimate life. Like tonight evidently he was trying to tell me that we haven't been having sex enough although it took him a long time to state it that simply.

It's not like he needs to throw me off balance. I haven't been complaining.

And we usually get in about 15 UA although it may have come in lower on some weeks due to me starting a new job. But we have made more effort to make up time on the weekends.

Why don't you tell him to initiate then? He can initiate. Another thing to do is to SCHEDULE sex. When you plan your UA time dates, make plans to finish the evening with sex, that way no one has to initiate. Scheduling sex takes away any uncertainty and gives you the opportunity to negotiate a frequency that satisifies you both.

But all of that is not going to help much if he is looking at porn.

p.s. if you schedule sex and he eliminates his porn use, then you won't have to suffer being turned down. That is something that will eventually lead to an aversion.

I have asked him to initiate more. Tonight he said something like its easier if I do it b/c I'm a woman and it takes me longer to get warmed up but he can go right away--IF he feels like it. It's like he wants me to check with him every other day.

I anticipate him saying that scheduling sex would defeat the purpose b/c he might not feel like it and b/c then it would be like a chore and he wants to feel like I really want him. It's exhausting.

It wouldn't feel like a chore if he would eliminate the porn and stop masturbating.

How often does he masturbate?

I'm not certain how much he masturbates. He says not very often. He sort of volunteers this information when I ask him about porn.

I could see what he says about eliminating masturbating but it would be hard b/c I've never made an issue of it in the past at any point in our relationship.

I would make that an issue. It is a big problem in your marriage and when I read your first post I suspected it. It has much to do with his reasons for viewing sex with you as a "chore" and turning you down. If I were you, I would insist he give that up.

Another benefit of scheduling sex at the end of your dates, is that your husband can work on getting in the mood. If he knows you have that on your schedule, he can get himself in the mood. And he is more likely to get in the mood if you are out on dates.

TooSensitive,

The porn needs to go. His behavior and lack of satisfaction in the marital bed is an indicator that he isn't just taking a look and a tug here and there. It's likely a problem level.

Heavy porn use leads to sexual dissatisfaction that really doesn't get any better until the use of porn ends. In fact, it can continue to escalate until no flesh-and-blood partner will ever please him. It can also contribute to depression and mood swings. The friction and pressure from masturbation can desensitize his penis. ED and/or PE can develop.

What I experienced was that my sex drive was kind of out of control - but it was because I had screwed up the reward circuitry in my brain, and SF didn't always have an "F" in it. Reread that, not always, not never... just infrequently. That caused me to increase frequency of requests. It was like pulling the lever on a slot machine, hoping for a win.


Once he eliminates these behaviors, and concentrates on creating a fulfilling sex life with you, many of his complaints will disappear.