Letty,

She has never voiced any displeasure with our trip she has told me several times that it was great. We did talk a lot driving was hit or miss. I hate driving so when I do drive I concentrate on the cars around me I usually drive about 80-85 miles an hour. I get very focused on how far we have gone and how much farther I need to go. So some times I don't talk a lot driving also Rocketqueen wasn't giving me much other then one word answers. Not to much in return at all. She was dozing off and on as well.

KISS

I have an awesome and effective method for dealing with OS coworkers texting me trying to make small talk that works really well; I simply don't respond. At all. And I make it well known that I don't fraternize with coworkers; no texting, no facebook, nothing.

Text is the best way for my facility and coworkers to get a hold of me if they have questions (my usual response; did you read my chart notes?) or are asking for shift coverage. But, that isn't a license for anyone to try to small talk me outside of work.


Don't respond. Show your wife. Straighten out the coworker.


Respecting professional boundaries is NEVER rude.

Did I understand correctly that you told your co-worker enough information that she wanted to talk to your wife and apologize? Why were you talking to co-worker about your wife at all? I can imagine that this conversation was along the lines of, "I can't text you because my wife doesn't want me to". Tossed RQ under the bus again, right? Oh yeah, a common occurrence.

AM

I missed that whole thing with the coworker.

Kiss, I am glad youre posting regularly now. Keep that going.

It was nothing like that I told her that I need to maintain a professional relationship and texting and conversations need to stay work related. She questioned what she said that was wrong and I told her their wasn't anything bad its just that we need to keep our relationship work based. She said she felt bad if anything was perceived wrong and wanted to talk to my wife. I told her that it wasn't necessary.

She knows that I am trying to put my family first and that my wife is my number one priority.

KISS

Thanks,

Holdherhand,

That is what I have been doing for a while now. I just have to always keep my guard up and remember the true prize (ROCKETQUEEN) at all times. A simple conversation is what starts it all. Looking back you always wonder how could I have had an affair! How could I have done that to my best friend. It all starts by a simple conversation that leads to another simple conversation. Then it snowballs into something that is devastating and you lose control of how you act and think.

KISS

Wow, talk about trying to sweep something under the rug.

Why did you even ENGAGE in these non-work related texts with a female in the first place (which was a violation of your EPs)? Please answer this question.

Secondly, the answer to breaking an EP was not to continue with poor boundaries by going to work and talking to this woman about your marital issues. Do you understand this? Yes or no?

Why did you not use this forum (which is here as a resource for you to get feedback BEFORE you do things that affect your marriage) to get help in how to handle this situation? Please answer.

I can't help but to notice that former (??) wayward spouses who are working on MB-based recovery that break EPs are often breaking other rules. Have you broken any other recovery rules (other than the pins) that we need to know about?

Sounds nice, KISS. But the fact that this woman even thought she could text friendly with you to begin with...tells me that you two are friendly and chatty at work. The fact that you went into work to talk to her about RQ finding the texts and about your marital issues...

BIG RED FLAG.

Kiss, considering your A was with a coworker, just how much do you think a trigger like this hurts RQ?

In future, if you get ANY text from an OS coworker, show RQ. Then ask her what your response to the coworker should be. AND agree what your conversations with the coworker at work should be like with RQ ahead of time. If RQ tells you to simply say 'Oh I didnt see your texts, I dont really text much' then do it.

Even work-related texts. That's how much reassurance she needs.

From your first post on this thread regarding OW:



Are you at the same workplace?

This is what alarms me -- you are not ignorant of MB and EPs.... You just very recently almost destroyed your M by engaging in this type of behavior and you went down the same path knowing the trouble it could land you in again.

Either you don't care enough about RQ's feelings to stop doing things you KNOW will hurt her or you have no self control.

It's a good thing you don't work for the CIA.
The Russians would just need to send in a woman and you would start blabbing.

Just don't talk to women. If you need to quit then do it

When designing EP's that I would agree enthusiastically with for my wife (she was the wayward in our situation) I went out and really dug into where you draw those lines.

Probably a lot further away than you would believe, KISS.

For instance; simply talking about things you like, like books, movies, music, or games reveals intimate details about us that actually allows us to decide if we like someone or not, and even whether or not we find them attractive.

Would you believe one of the the things my wife and her OM spent a lot of time doing (at work, in a retail environment) was.... MUSIC?

"Small talk" is usually intimate in nature in some way... it is investigative.


DON'T MAKE SMALL TALK WITH WOMEN, KISS.


And that has to be your decision, bud. Trust me, I know. I work in a predominately female world... and I constantly have to remind certain females that I; 1) am not the elected or appointed representative of all men of the world, 2) have no interest in their love lives, and 3) any complaints they have about their husband/boyfriend/housepet would better be directed at that person that the med nurse at work.


I often get the "Well, YOU'RE quiet tonight."


Yeah, I'm here to work, and I'm busy.

"Oh, yeah. Me too... " Harumph harumph.


If a couple tylenol or ibuprofen can't fix it, I dun wanna herrr 'bout it!

How was I SWEEPING IT UNDER THE RUG!! My wife told me on the phone that she wasn't happy about the text messages so I told her I would have a conversation with the coworker that I would tell her that and text messages or conversations we have must be work related and professional.

The text messages were from a work meeting we had. After the meeting all the bosses took us out for lunch. I left my car on one side of the complex and after we ate I had to walk all the way around the building to get back to my car. I sent her a text saying that I forgot how far I was away from my car and I was walking back. When I was leaving a couple of my old coworkers (males) told me to text them when I got home because it was raining so hard and the highway was a complete stand still. Then later I received a text from her saying she made it home. I responded that I was a couple of minutes from my house. That was all the text messages.


I do not talk to her about my issues with my wife. She does know that I moved out for a couple of months and that I try to just work my schedule so I can be home with my wife and kids.

I didn't ask anyone on this site if I should text her.

No I have not broken any other recovery rules.

KISS

Kiss, you are missing a very large part of the big picture here. The picture of protection.

H and I are in a very similar spot in R as you and RQ. He works in an environment that has women. He NEVER, not ever, I repeat NEVER, has a woman text him, for any reason, work related, personal, or to let him know she 'made it home.' How do I know this? Because I keep diligent track of his texts. If he had a woman text him and say simply, 'hi,' I would lose my mind. Why is this such a big deal? Because the pain RQ has been through from your infidelity is SO GREAT, even so much as you glancing at another woman reminds her of it.

You have to learn a thing or two about protection here Kiss. You have to understand that ANY interaction you have with another woman leaves RQ to wonder 'what if...' What if she really isn't just a coworker? What if there is something about THIS coworker I don't know? What if something is going on? What if... You are in a critical stage of recovery, where there can be no room for what ifs... You have to protect your marriage in a way that makes RQ feel SAFE. Having any woman, for any reason, text you, will NOT make her feel safe. Quite the opposite.

Buying pins on ebay without asking, selfish and inconsiderate and a big LB. Communicating by text with a woman in a friendly manner, in a category all on its own, IMO.

You need to stop saying sorry, and start preventing these things from happening before they do. Ask yourself 'what will RQ think?' or 'how will this make RQ feel?' before EVERYTHING you do.

Have you ever thought about the situation as if you were in her shoes? If RQ had an A with a coworker, and you were trying to recover with her, and you found a friendly text to another male coworker on her phone? How would it make you feel? Think about it.

Brother
you need better boundaries with women.
Your wife needs you to do that for her.
Maybe you should think about changing jobs for your marriage.

Why? Why did you initiate sending a text to another female? Why did she need to know that you forgot how far away your car was? Why did she need to know that you were a couple minutes from home?

Now that H and I have implemented UA time into our life, we often meet for lunch dates. As we sit at the restaurant and eat I look around me at the 'coworkers' sharing lunch, talking, telling stories, laughing...I think, how much better the world would be if more of these people were sharing lunch with their SPOUSE (talking, telling stories, laughing) than with some other random OS friend. And how dangerous and damaging it is. The reason I bring this up, is because those two texts were an opportunity for you to text your WIFE. "Hi honey, just leaving the meeting. I forgot how far away I parked my car! Can't wait to get home to see you!" "(heart)" Instead of RQ finding some texts that made her get that knot in her stomach, she would have gotten a couple texts to put a smile on her face.

Why?

Why did you feel she needed to know what you were doing at a random given moment?

I send to texts at men at work. They are ALWAYS work related. 'Do x by x deadline' or 'do you have a number for that contact?'
In my boundaries with men at work, I OBVIOUSLY avoid sending irrelevant 'means nothing' texts.

Because when we send texts for no reason it implies we are trying to MAKE UP reasons for contacting each other.

A male colleague once sent me a 'hey I'm just chilling out, so stressed today' message.

I blocked him and haven't had a conversation with him since.

And we did NOT have a discussion about why!!!

First of all, if you would lose the defensive attitude, we might get somewhere. Because it is obvious to me you missed the point.

Secondly, you can buy and sell/post listings on ebay but you can't be bothered to learn how to use the quote function on this forum that I could teach my 10 yr old how to use in five minutes? Really? Because you didn't answer some of my questions. And this isn't the first time this problem has been brought to your attention.

If you would stop being LAZY and put a little more effort into posting and reading here, maybe we would get somewhere. Because right now your M is in critical condition because of your affair and instead of repairing the damage, you are adding insult to injury. Once your W loses all her love and respect for you, it will be nearly impossible for you to turn this around.

Start by answering every question that is asked of you by using the quote function and demonstrate that you have actually given the answer and some thought. Will be back...

You did not answer.