I think it's been updated since the book was written. I've seen figures from 3-6 weeks for BWs thrown around lately.

Good grief!

Where are these time frames coming from?

Dr. H says that most affairs die within 2 years.

His recommendation for Plan A is 3 weeks for women and 6 months for men. Then Plan B for up to the 2 year mark (or forever if that works better for ya).

2little, do you have "surviving an affair"?
If you do, re-read pages 75-79. Six months Is the average time he counsels BS to plan a

The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"

My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.

If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

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He has Told some callers they can be in plan A for long periods of time, evn after divorce
It's up to the spouse how long they want to. He makes it clear that it is a personal decision.

Karma, I yanked out my book to see where these time frames came from. Funny how these things get passed around. I couldn't find anything that said otherwise.

In all honesty, it depends on what the person can handle.

Dr Harley has tried to make sure the correct information gets passed around about Plan A. He is rewriting SAA to reflect the 3-4 weeks for women and up to 6 months for men. He talks about this on the radio at least once week. He has been a broken record.

He believes that women cannot handle more than 4 weeks before they start suffering health and emotional problems.

[
I'm offended (not by you ML) by that last sexist statement and would like to point out that MANY BW's here have done Plan A longer than 4 weeks (myself included). I will stand by what I said before, it depends on what the person can handle.

When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS.

The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. In your case, you've noticed that you have experienced a detached feeling about it all, even your husband's filing for divorce. That's the way it's supposed to turn out. You are far more attractive while in emotional control of yourself than you would ever be begging and pleading for his return. You tried that tactic already, and it hasn't worked.

Plan B doesn't always work, but it does protect you from the intense emotional pain that you could be experiencing day in and day out. Your husband may divorce you, but it won't be because you have implemented plan B. And if he returns to you, it won't be because you have implemented plan B. But if he does return, with a sincere willingness to completely leave his lover and follow our plan for recovery, he'll find a wife who is still sane if you follow plan B.

If your husband goes through with his plan to divorce you, he will be making the biggest mistake of his life. But you will be far less impacted by the emotional fallout if you are in plan B at the time. Don't assume that his actions are your fault. You have done everything you can to get him back. All you can do now is to protect yourself from your husband's second biggest mistake of his life -- his affair. here