There is nothin wrong with deciding to be done with her.
In some ways it's a lot healthier thinking.
I encourage you to document daily, see an attorney ASAP and seek full custody.

Man, I used to love Christmas morning. Going out the morning to a tree surrounded by wrapped gifts... the excitement of trying to find out what was inside. It's been just as fun to watch my kids at Christmas. Each year, chasing down the new Christmas gift fad... we've been through Tickle Me Elmo, and Furbies... a gazillion different talking, eating, peeing, pooping baby dolls.

Somehow, we never learned our lesson. The kids would see the commercials and just BEG for these fun, exciting, shiny, unknown new toys.

Then, like clockwork every time... those shiny new toys would get abandoned for their true favorites. The reliable pile of Bratz dolls... Littlest Pet Shop.

For myself, I remember one year getting Tryptocon. Man, was it cool. It was a T-Rex Transformer (a Decepticon) that had light up eyes and walked. He was huge. And he transformed into.... a Tranformer base! Cool!... For a week or two. Then I was back to my He-Man, GI Joe, and Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles... ACTION FIGURES (call them "dolls" and I'll deck ya!).


A point... a point... hmmmm... I had a point.

Oh, yeah... SECOND CHOICE.


You see, we betrayed tend to get all fuddled up in that "second choice" idea. The fact of the matter is we aren't. We can't be. We have the advantage. Despite all the fog-talk hullabub, WE are the parents of common children (sometimes the only parent of our particular gender a step child has ever known). WE share the good portions of marital history a foggy wayward is selectively forgetting. WE have done the heavy lifting.


Second choice? Puh! We are the BEST choice, sir.


And what we are competing with is a Betsy-Wetsy on Christmas morning. We are competing with a snuck cigarette by the bike racks at the high school. We are competing with a 21st birthday. Novelty. We are competing with novelty. And novelty always wears off. Dr. Harley notes that the majority of affairs die off within 3 years when no longer supported by the heavy lifting of the betrayed spouse.

Not because the betrayed spouse is second choice. But because the betrayed spouse is the BETTER choice.


Don't get hung up on that second choice crap, sir. No, no. You aren't second choice to some douchenozzle OM. To naivety, selfishness, cruelty, and insanity? Yes. To some chickenhawk trying to snipe some married nap? Never.


Don't just think about it. Don't just consider it. Look in the mirror and KNOW it, sir.

2L2L, do you remember the Seinfeld episode where George and his current squeeze were competing for (upper) "hand"? A successfully executed Plan A/B/D provides "hand" to the BS.

In effect, it positions the BS to effectuate the change from a passive to an active rejection. You are still in the mindset of WW rejecting you (your "second choice" reference). What should have happened with an A, B, then D cycle is to reverse the ownership of the eject button, thusly, "WW, here is the best 2L2L possible. It's available to you, but this is a (very) limited-time offer. (Pause.) Okay, you obviously are not bright nor good enough to understand what you just failed to act on. We're done. I no longer want anything to do with you."

Trip gets to the heart of the matter. Your worth as a spouse and father far exceeds whatever flash OM can provide. If she is unable to grasp that, then you reject her. Put that in your Plan B letter if it helps you - not vindictively, nor triumphantly, but factually, possibly regretfully, and most definitely decisively.

Not my thread but the wisdom passed here was good. I agree with HHH and NG. Once you realize that your mind frame will change. It happened to me I don't agree with the situation I'm in but I'm comfortable with myself and the way I'm handling the situation. Hope this makes sense, I'm bad at writing feelings. Hang in there focus on yourself and DD.

How are you doing?

Just been stockpiling intel to help my case in the forthcoming custody battle.

She's SO FAR gone. Suspect POSOM dumped her a few days ago as she went over to his place for only an hour (could tell by mileage on car)which is unusual, and was super depressed the next day. Even had to take Thurs and Fri off. But they must've patched things up cuz she was at his place again Thurs from 9pm to 7am the next morning. Also found emails from the night she was only at his place for an hour, she came home and started shopping for men on Craigslist. Contacted about 4 or 5 dudes and gave them her phone number and requested texts.

Well over what pain that would normally cause, it still sucks big time, but more than anything it just helps me prove she's lost her mind, is very unstable and incapable of providing a stable environment for my 4 yo daughter.

Spoke with a volunteer attny a few weeks back and he stated the courts/commissioner would have to be insane to change anything re the way my DD is used to having things which is me as primary care provider.

HDW, if there's some way we could communicate via email, I'd love to ask you some things since we seem to have extremely similiar situations and you ended up with custody. Wish the PM system worked here, but if you can let me know how/if we can communicate, I'd appreciate it.

Anyone with tips or advice on writing up a parenting plan considering my situation, I'd be grateful to hear it. Have to do this D Pro Se as neither of us has any money to pay the crooks, er I mean lawyers.

oh and also found explicit emails to each other all the way back from Aug 21, which was a few days before I even started this thread. They only started "seeing" each other on Aug 3, so she didn't waste much time.

And for the record, we will NEVER be getting back together, under any circumstances. Noooooo Thank You!

That statement sealed it! Mark my words when you stop showing interest and she knows she is about to lose you that's when she will be begging to come back! Seems too late though your moving on. That's good focus on your lil girl and self improvement

Hopefully if you ask the mods they will provide my email address to you. However, I am not an attorney and there is never a substitute for professional legal advice.
This is the perfect time to divorce her with favorable terms because she just wants to spend time with OM. My wife was doing the same thing. Gone for a day, two or three days, back for 1 day. It was crazy. I can really empathize with your situation. You can't get her out of the house and she comes and goes as she pleases.

I did a plan A up to day of divorce. No angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgements. Near the end the plan a was just offering a cup of coffee or saying good morning.

The most important thing is to keep a log of when she comes and goes. That is useful in the custody evaluation process.
You need to file for divorce. Grounds of adultery or incompatibility.
What custody do you want? I think you should file for full custody; you can negotiate later.
There is a model "parallel parenting" agreement in the notable posts thread, from the state of Indiana. You can use that as a template. Or your local county court templates. Some areas require mediation also.

But I strongly encourage you to get an attorney. This will affect custody for the rest of your child's lifetime ;some attorneys will review your pro se documents for a fee. You may want to consider that. But you NEED competent legal advice, not dime store legal advice from me or anyone else on this forum. And you need to do this while the affair is active and she's gone all the time.

What does her mother say about her behavior since she lives next door?

You aren't dealing with the wife you know. She's been replaced by an alien being from the planet Wayward. You're at war. Possibly to rescue the true wife, but most certainly to defeat the alien hostaging your kids mother.

Offering ENs to a needs-crazy alien in the Plan B letter is bait. It is a war technique. Try it, what do you have to lose? It may free your kids mother, it may not. It depends on her strength.

There will be dark days in Plan B when your feelings will be 180 degrees different. It always helps to know you tried.

If it reaches through to her, it may dislodge the waywardness and stepparent issues that would affect your kids. You don't have to take her back.

Don't base any of your actions on feelings. That will not do. Everything is logically worked out as part of the plan.

In his case he can't plan B until divorce anyway

Why would that be? It sounds like he needs to be in Plan B NOW.

2little2late, have you asked your wife to move out? If not, I would ask her to move and most certainly obtain an attorney to protect your rights. The attorney needs to get her booted.

That being said, many waywards will leave when asked. Maybe not the first time, but with some persistance she may leave.

I would be surprised if he can get her out.
It's much easier for a woman to get a man out than vice versa.
My dear faithful wife was having an affair with a man that went to prison for trying to kill his own 3 year old daughter and I couldn't get her out or block him from being around the kids.

To complicate matters her job pays the bills.
If he asks her to move out how long until the light get shut off?

He desperately needs an attorney that is a shark to hammer this case.

It isn't that hard to get a wayward to move out. And she won't be able to stop paying the bills if she moves. That is why he needs to get an attorney. We have had MANY cases where a BS was not only successful in getting the WS out, but in blocking contact between the children and the affair partner.

The point is that he needs to get into Plan B as soon as he can.

2Little, is there no one you can call for legal money?
You need an attorney ASAP.
You are taking too long. Divorce can take a year.
Melody may be right. You may get a court order and the Sheriff may throw her out that day.
In my case, my wife refused to leave (she would leave for a day or a week then return) and we could NOT get her out until divorce was finalized. That why you need to get an attorney and get the ball rolling. Because you may not be able to get her out. You may be stuck with her for a year or more!

You don't want that. Those were the worse months of my life. I know where youre at now. She uses the marital home as a crash pad and you are treated like trash.

Where is her mom? Is she doing anything since she lives next door? Is she standing up to her daughter or enabling her?

And keep in mind he doesn't necessarily need an attorney to get her out. She may just move out if he asks her. And no, he doesn't have to be stuck with her for a year or two. He can always move out. And he would need to do that if he can't get her out in order to go into Plan B.

I don't care who she is at this point, I want nothing to do with her. The less, the better.

In my last update, I said that her and POSOM had presumably broke up for a day or two, and in less than an hour after returning from what I can only assume was the break up talk, she was emailing 5-6 guys from craigslist, most of whom were only looking for sex and not relationships, which she made clear was A-ok with her. So even once her POS A had "died", she certainly didn't come crawling back to me, but ran off and started emailing guys from craigslist. You know what kind of crazies can/do troll for women on craigslist? She's not only putting herself in dange, but also my daughter and me as her full name is right there at the top of her emails to them (I have copies of these emails as well as the ads that she was responding to).

I'm not exactly sure what part of plan B you all want me to get on, but the only part I'm interested in is the no contact portion.

That said, in the meantime, I'm just letting her do what she's doing, becuase I've have been keeping records of when she's her or more appropriately when she's gone, and when she is here what she is (isn't) doing with DD and what I am doing with her. Very detailed with times and info like what games we played and places we've gone. So, go out oh wayward one, and don't forget to bring your big 'ol shovel with you to keep diggin your hole.

Can you get a lawyer?

What is her mom doing? She lives next door

She's told me I needed to leave on a handful of occasions. One time I told her she should leave and her reponse was that she's the one that pays the bills, why would she leave. I can guarantee she will not leave. She thinks she'll be getting rights to the house (a rental) and having primary custody. That's just fine, she keep thinking that. She's in for a big surprise.

I've said it MANY times before, No, there is no money anywhere for me to lawyer up. While I would much rather have a lawyer, the best I can do at this time is visit the program where lawyers volunteer their time to offer legal advice to those who visit them. I saw one a few weeks ago, and he thought my case was very strong, and was very impressed with the legwork I've already done.

I've been working on filling out all the papers needed to get filed and next have to get started on the papers for the hearings. There's alot to do, and would surely be nice to have a lawyer do it or offer help, but there is no money. I'm hoping to serve her papers in the near future. I'm pretty sure she's done nothing other than inquire about the paperwork costs and how much a server costs from one of her friends. Either way, I'm trying to get my stuff done and file as the petitioner before she does.