I was just coming to ask the same question. I have seen the articles linked, and I'll read them again, but what do you suggest for a spouse (husband, which Dr. Harley does not address) that is in the withdrawal stage, is about walk out on the marriage and doesn't think it's worth it? Will the same strategies work or is there something else to try?

What are the problems in the marriage?

I'm finding out that I did a lot of love busting and not meeting H emotional needs. One of his biggest ones is conversation, which I'm not big on. My biggest need is affection/sex. Since I always got what I needed I didn't see any problem until it was too late. Yes, he'd tell me he wanted me to talk to him more, but I had no idea what to say and eventually things would go back to "normal". So I figured everything was okay, when it wasn't. the only thing that really opened my eyes was when he stopped the affection/sex. Now I'm studying Lovebusters, His needs, Her needs and i have the 5 steps to romantic love (all borrowed from the library though). But he's about ready to give up, is not sure he wants to stay married and is not interested in counseling or reading the books with me (i do want to mention here that he never was interested in counseling, i have suggested it when he said one other time he wanted a divorce.)

I hope this didn't get too long. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

How long married? Any kids?

16 & 4

Has he told you he loves you but is not in love with you?

No. What he actually said was that he doesn't love me at all and he' not sure he's ever loved me.

I would first check to see if he is having an affair. The fact that he told you he is not in love is an indicator that he has a new point of comparison. Can you think of anyone in his life he is interested in?

I thought of that as well and looked into it. I'm 99% sure he's not.

What methods did you use?

With the information I have available to me right now, i can say for certain that he's not having an affair. In my previous post I say 99% because I know it's possible that I don't have all the information.

Also, I didn't mean to highjack this thread. Hopefully the original poster got some answers to their question as well.

You didn't answer the question.

I love the name, by the way! One of my pet peeves around here is everybody picking names that sound just alike, so I can't tell them apart. "Hopeful" and "Phoenix" being two of the top picks. Surprisingly, I've never seen anyone simply named "Anonymous."

I suggest you start a new thread for your situation, and get the help you need.

Don't skip the step of affair proofing the marriage. It is mandatory. We've seen posters insist there was no affair and want to move on to step 2 and go straight into disaster, frequently.

Anonymous93, I have made a thread just for you. If you would like me to change your title, please hit mod notify and I will change it. Thank you, Fireproof

It's perfect, thanks!

I didn't want to answer the question because I knew the method I used wouldn't be approved. I asked him, twice. Both times he denied it. There were explanations involved, both times and I believe him. He's never lied to me and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt what he says.

So, if it makes everyone feel better, what steps should I take to affair proof my marriage? What response would you give me assuming he is having an affair?

Now humor me and let's assume he's not having an affair. What steps can i take to encourage him to stay in the marriage and try to make it work?

My wife denied having an affair. Then, when I had evidence in hand, she continued to deny the affair.

You cannot trust him to be honest about this, even if he's never lied a day in his life. A person in an affair is nothing like the person before they were involved in adultery.

You should be checking his phone, check phone records, have a keylogger in the computer, and put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car.

Let's start with an easy one; are there any holes in his daily schedule which would allow him to have a secret second life?

In my case, there wasn't... so my wife was having sex with the OM in a storage unit on their 30 minute lunch breaks at work.

This is how serious it is, and you MUST do the digging to confirm.

Your husband may not lie, but people who are in affairs always lie. So the fact that you asked him and he said no is meaningless. If he is in an affair he will lie. I am sorry.


It would be completely different from what we would tell you if he was not.


There is nothing you can do to encourage him if he is having an affair. First rule out an affair by snooping and then we can help you. Otherwise you are asking us to help you push a car up the hill with the parking brake on.

I will tell you that a spouse that says he is not in love anymore and wants a divorce/separation is very likely in an affair. It means he has a new point of comparison.

We can only give good advice if it is based on the correct set of facts.

Yes, actually there are lots of holes. We share a pay as you go phone, he could be deleting calls made/received though.

I work, but come home for lunch. He works from home.

Computers? He has his and I have mine and they're password protected. I don't have access to anything he does online.

So, there are lots of holes and by that account how could I think he's NOT having an affair?

At this point I'm choosing to believe him, knowing at the same time that I could be believing a lie. However, I will say that after laying it all out like this, I will talk to him about it. (when i do, it will be at that time i get access to his computer, not sometime in the future giving him time to delete stuff.)

Talking to him will defeat the purpose entirely. That will only put him on guard. The best thing to do is snoop and find out on your own.