For nearly six months, my wife has been "in love" with OM. He "loves" her too but won't initiate contact, because he wants her to work out her confusion with me. However, if she calls he talks to her. If she wants to meet with him he drops everything and is there. <BR>She tells me she loves me but can't find the same kind of happiness with me as she can with OM. He assures me she won't leave me for him, but she wants to leave me to "find herself." <BR>Recently she's been diagnosed by two seperate psychologists as suffering from severe chronic dpression. It's likely she's had this condition off and on since she was a teen. She's been told that through therapy and anti-depressants she can have the ability to find happiness in her life again. <BR>I'm not sure what that means for "US," but it sounds like a wonderful opportunity for her and our kids.<BR>Here's the problem. She refuses to take anti-depressants, even though both therapists have told her that they are mood altering or dangerous. She assumes that I will associate all our marital problems with her condition. (In fact I do attribute some of them to her condition, but take my responsibility seriously... and have demonstated that to her satisfaction for months...)<BR>She continues to read articles about how children don't have to be hurt by divorce and is looking into finding her own place with the kids (2 and 4).<BR>I guess I need advice. I am in a very difficult Plan A. When she's in a particularly depressed mood, she's horribly abusive (emotionally) to me. I'm having a hard time taking it (especially when she seems as happy as can be when she's with the OM). I've been told not to take things personally when she gets in those moods, but under the circumstance, it's really hard. <BR>Plan B doesn't appeal to me. I'm not sure I want to leave the kids alone with her (although she's always been GREAT with them). I'm also reluctant to leave her alone while she suffering from an illness. I've been told she needs me, even though she's pushing me away. <BR>HELP!<BR>

Declan,<P>I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, but worse in a way as my H has been diagnosed with depression, and has been involved both emotionally & sexually for the past year.<P>I have been hanging on as he has agreed to take an anti-depressant.<P>I'm not sure what I would have done if he resisted treatment. At least this way, I feel like we may be making a little progress.<P>If you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, it does become very hard. Are you absolutely sure you know all the reasons why your wife won't take them. I did quite a bit of reading about the newer drugs they have on the market (through the internet) and it gave me some peace of mind. I, too, was afraid of taking something. I have been on Zoloft (after the shock of discovering the affair) and it has made a world of difference. Supposedly, there are very few side effects and they are non-habit forming.<P>Good luck to you. Hope this helps a little.

Sidney,<BR>Thank you for sharing your story. My wife has been suffering undiagnosed for quite some time. During the times she was in her "mood" she was insensitive, uncaring, hurtful, withdrawn ...etc. <BR>Not knowing the cause, I took it very personally. It was like she had given up on us and even herself. My reaction ran the gambit, from cheer-leading to bitter anger... (all the wrong things to do... but I had know idea what was happening) <BR>Now that another man is in the picture, I'm finding it doubly hard to not take it personally.<BR>ANYWAY, during a recent constructive conversation she admitted that part of her reluctance is she's afraid of losing part of her personality that's been around for so long. She knows it sounds crazy, but her depression has been a part of her that she identifies with.<BR>Also, our counsellor told me that sometimes when a depressive person starts taking anti-depressants they find the energy and motivation to leave a marriage rather than try to repair it. That has me worried, since my W has shown very little interest in repairing our marriage while the OM is in the picture.<BR>

hey neighbor (i live in walnut creek).<BR>i might be your wife, except that my H had an affair, and blames ME of having one with his best friend, though i did not.<BR>i have a 2yo and a newborn, and have been depressed my whole life, i guess. i am a total wreck without my antideps, and i wish there were some way you could convince your wife to take them .<BR>what does she do during the day? i don't work, so i spend a lot of time doing activities with the local mother's group--keeps me busy during the 15 hours a day my H is gone, and there are no men around!<BR>have you heard of the new study showing that exercise is as good as antidepressants in curing depression? is there some way you could get her to do that? take her for walks on all those nature trails we live by? or around the lafayette reservoir?<BR>i know plan a is tough, i couldnt do it, myself, and my H is pretty much plan a'ing me at this point, because i keep threatening to leave (i just can't let go of his affair).<BR>just try to compliment her a lot, and give her breaks from the kids all you can. that helps ME, i know.<BR>im sorry this is happening to you .<BR>just be as patient and loving as you can.

AAAACCCK!<P>Just lost a huge post when my keyboard & mouse froze up, Declan!<P>I've *been* your W - please read my profile, and I will get back when I have more time. <P>My (undiagnosed) depression played a large part in my affair and for years was wreaking havoc on my marriage to my H (DuncanMac on the board). I didn't understand that I was trying to fill up that emptiness and unhappiness and restlessness in me with my affair... in a sense I was 'self-medicating' with it (and that excitement and 'high' are very addictive). I have come to believe that this is probably a common component in affairs. <P>Your description of your situation with your W really hit home. I too was angry, irritable, socially withdrawn, deeply dissatisfied with my life - and blaming my discontent on my marriage (convenient target, right?). Your W needs to understand that she will continue to screw up her life (and yours, and your precious childrens') if she resists treatment. I am on anti-deps permanently now, after trying a number of times to get off them. Just my brain! <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Thank you for your posts. Your empathy and encouragement were exactly what I needed to continue the "good fight." <P>It's both humbling and reasuring to see how similar all our situations are. I hope your situations continue to improve.<P>Kind words and encouragement are so foreign to me these days...thank you.<P>LWB-<BR>A fellow Contra Costan! This area has so much to offer. I wish we weren't so distracted these days, so we could enjoy it more fully. I think the worst part of this situation is that the kids are be cheated out of our undivided attention. <P>My wife had been a 24/7 mom up until 2 weeks ago. Now she's re-entered the work force and her mood is better. I know that part of the reason she's done this is to become more self-reliant so she can move out, but the result is she has less time to "hang-out" with OM and is feeling better about herself.<BR>She tried getting involved with local mothers' groups but she couldn't stick with them.<BR>We do a few things together, mostly with the kids (a real handful as you know... just wait 'till the newborn starts walking...). It's usually a good experience. But no matter how good a time we have she maintains her distance (emotionally and physically). She doesn't want me to get my hopes up.<P>She does things on her own too, a dance class once a week and sees her own therapist in the City. These are 1-hour events that usually keep her out for 4 or 5 hours. I'm sure she's seeing the OM some of that time, but that's her choice. <P>My kindness and compliments seem to go at least unnoticed, sometimes they irritate her. But I'll keep it up though. Thanks again.<P><BR>Suse-<BR>Your post has also hit home. Your experience sounds so familiar. It's eye opening to hear about it from your point of view. It's interesting to think of her affair as "self-medicating." It makes a lot of sense. <P>The addictive qualities of the affair are mind blowing.<P>What led you to work on saving your marriage? Did you feel a powerful bond with the OM? When you began treating your depression, did your feelings for the OM change? Did your feelings for your husband change?<P>I'm at work right now and your mention of my "precious children" actually caused tears to roll out of my eyes. I am so desperate for things to work out.<P>If you don't mind I would like to show my wife your post, but it is likely she will feel your situations are completely different.<BR>

Are there others who have had similar experiences? Any success stories after anti-dep therapy began. I've looked for help, but all the books I've read about are for those whose spouses are depressed but haven't "given up" om their marriages. <BR>Any additional help would mean so much to me.