Hi,
I really need some encouragement from people who have been in my situation or experienced something similar. My husband and I had been together 6 years and married for 3 of those years. We have no children together yet. We had a very happy marriage. This last may I started to develop feelings for someone else. I was shocked cause never in a million years did I think I would want anyone but my husband and so I immediately told my husband and we tried to work on it, but it didn't work.

I moved out so I could be with the other man and I filed for divorce. But I soon discovered that things were not so wonderful with this other guy, things have been hard and I'm no longer happy when I'm with him. He does not meet my emotional needs and cannot provide for me.

I've been a wreck...severely depressed and have been thinking about suicide. I sleep all the time, barely eat or shower. My emotions are so up and down, I'm unstable. I feel like I'm dying and no one around me understands the pain I feel.

I recently started reading "Surviving An Affair" and have decided to give it a try because it has been dead on. It describes exactly what I'm feeling. I'm on chapter 7.

Today I met with my husband to discuss the book. After I completely broke down and cried until I could no longer breath, we have decided to go with the plan in the book. I changed my phone number and blocked this other guy out of my life completely. I wrote a letter to him like shown in the book and will be sending it tomorrow.

I feel so horrible about doing this to this other guy. It's exactly like it says in the book. I miss this other guy like crazy. I am so tempted to contact him. The thought of not having him in my life is devastating. I feel like I'm going insane. I know that my husband is the right man for me and will give me a wonderful life, but I still can't get this other guy out of my head. I keep thinking that maybe I am meant to be with this other guy, that maybe I just need to give it time and that he will eventually be exactly what I need. You can't imagine the crazy thoughts in my head right now.

Tomorrow my husband and I are going to meet with our pastor for some counseling. I just feel so scared and overwhelmed.

Please please give me some encouragement. I pray that I am doing the right thing.

Please ask your husband to create a user ID and post here

lt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your affair was the biggest mistake of your life and you may well avoid that bullet if you just hang on and get over your addiction. Your affair with the OM was doomed from the start. It was never meant to be, it was doomed to failure.

95% of affairs crumble within 2 years. The ones that make it to marriage have an 70% divorce rate. They are very volatile, shaky relationships. The reason they are so unstable is because the very traits that make them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness and selfishness, find their way into the affair and quickly destroy it. Just think, this is a guy who has no respect for marriage and fidelity. We have had so many people come on this forum looking for help when their affairage partner cheats on them.

Your love with the OM will not last. Your relationship with him is in a free fall now and would have got worse the longer you were with him.

On the other hand, you can have passionate, romantic love with your husband in a relationship that will LAST; is not doomed because it is not based on deceit and selfishness. There is great hope in your marriage.

Can your husband come here?

Does your family know about your affair?

Yes I know my husband would definitely post here. I'm sure he could use encouragement as well. He is also reading the book and has been so strong through this. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story and responding. It means so much.

Oh and yes my family knows about the affair. They knew early on because I went to them for advice. My dad tried to warn me, he told me to end it, but I didn't listen. I am currently living with my family.

LT, you need to view this just as you would smoking. Your affair with this guy is more destructive to you than smoking, but it is the same principle. At first, quitting smoking is damn hard. I thought I was going to DIE! But every day it got a little better. And every day I could breathe a little better and started seeing other improvements. My skin improved, I had more energy, the depression lifted; better and better every day.

But if I had continued smoking I would wrecked my health. The short term pain was very much worth the long term GAIN. Today I feel GREAT and enjoy my new found HEALTH!

Take it one day at a time. Just hold onto your [censored] and walk forward, dear. You were doomed yesterday. TODAY you have a chance at happiness and PASSION with a great man who can make you happy and make you feel proud.

p.s. bring the body and the mind will follow. This pain won't last long. But your misery and depression would last a lifetime if you stayed in that horrible affair.

I am concerned that you are counseling with a pastor. There is a very narrow path to recovery [and by recovery we mean a PASSIONATE, ROMANTIC marriage around here - most marriage counselors don't believe in that because they have no clue how to achieve it] and if you skip any of these steps you are not going to get there.

You can get there on your own if you and your husband follow this program EXACTLY. I don't know of any other marriage program that has a goal of a romantic, passionate marriage and has a real plan to GET THERE, not one. Here is what it takes:

The pastor at our church was the one who suggested the book to my husband and I when I first confessed that I was having an affair. The pastor believes in this program because he himself had an affair many years ago and this program saved his marriage, he swears by it. My husband has been meeting with him weekly since this whole nightmare started and it has helped him a great deal.

whew! That is great news! ok, I will relax...

LT,
I've been through the withdrawal and it WILL get better. IT WILL. Every hour under your belt with no contact, every day under your belt. Your hands will stop shaking. You won't feel so sick to your stomach. You won't cry so much. You will start to feel better. You will start thinking clearly.

Keep up the no contact. Tell someone when you feel the nasty pull of addiction and they can talk you off the ledge.

Thinking of you.

My parents know I've been reading this book, as I'm staying with them. This morning I told them that I am trying to rebuild my marriage and they really are not supportive at all. I tried to explain to my dad that I am truly happy with my husband and that my affair was a mistake and is like an addiction. But my dad said he was surprised and doesn't believe I was truly happy. My mom said she was disappointed and she listed all the things she hates about my husband and told me how much she hates his family. I tried to explain that I want to honor the commitment I made to my husband and also honor what God would want. I feel so alone in this. Their reaction makes me feel so confused.

Wow, that's really weird, turtles, that your parents would say this about your husband. What are their complaints about him?

turtles, as you can see from the book Surviving an Affair, part of recovery involves creating a marriage that is better than before the affair. Often that involves work by both the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse. For example, if he never talked to her, then recovery will involve an agreement to make time for each other and for him to learn to give her the intimate conversation she needs.

Do they understand that there is no hope in your affair? That you are depressed, confused and suicidal? Have either of them had affairs?

My suggestion would be that you move back in your husband ASAP. This will help you get over your addiction much faster and you won't be exposed to such a non supportive atmosphere.

Do they know about your affair? How did they feel about your affair?

But my dad said he was surprised and doesn't believe I was truly happy. My mom said she was disappointed and she listed all the things she hates about my husband and told me how much she hates his family. I tried to explain that I want to honor the commitment I made to my husband and also honor what God would want. I feel so alone in this. Their reaction makes me feel so confused.

Your position is so...dicey...right now, and the chances already so limited that you and your BH can make a go of your marriage after the damage you willfully did to it, that you cannot afford any more contact with your parents. Imagine if their feelings were to be conveyed to your BH (and they sound snarky enough to do it intentionally). That would probably put the final bullet into your chances of recovery.

Here's your last letter to them for an indefinite period:

Mom, Dad, I love you as a child should, but cannot endure your negative input
toward my marriage and its future. Until you either change your opinions about
what I should be doing to live a life of honor and integrity, or I am secure enough
in the reconciliation with BH that I desire, I am cutting off all contact with you.
It is my BH's forgiveness, not your approval, that I must pursue.

I hope you come around to see the correctness of the path I have chosen.

Love, LT

Block their phone calls, block their e-mails, defriend them on FB, etc. Give a copy of this to your BH.

Go big, LT, or go home!

I've already seen the response that this pastor has personally recovered his marriage from an affair with Marriage Builders (yay!) but I thought I'd throw this article out here anyway, because it's good reading about the difference between Marriage Builders and other counseling:

Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy? by Jennifer H. Chalmers, Ph.D. That's Dr. Harley's daughter, and the coauthor of Surviving an Affair.

There are plenty of people out there using Dr. Harley's books who still don't believe sustained romantic love is possible or realistic, so I like to make sure everyone sees this.

LT,

I feel so alone in this. Their reaction makes me feel so confused.

When you were in the affair did you run down your BH to your parents? There is also a chance your Mother or Father have unresolved affairs in their marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

Oh, turtles, I really feel for you. The devestation of not having your parent's support puts you in an automatic fear of losing them or letting them down. The thing is, it is not their marriage - it is YOURS!!! Always remember that. This is YOUR marriage, YOUR life, YOUR covenant with God and your H. Only YOU are responsible for making the right decisions here. I have a sneaking suspicion that their not liking him probably caused some problems somewhere in your marriage - even if it was psychological for you. You can't honor your H if you are worried about honoring your parents. You are onto the right path for yourself here by saying that, "I tried to explain that I want to honor the commitment I made to my husband and also honor what God would want." Bring God into your marriage this time. He is the center strand in your marriage.

Are you sure that you love your H and have been happy? Why did your dad say he didn't believe that you were truly happy? You and your H loved eachother when you married. The thing is, we don't know "how" to be married. We make mistakes that hurt eachother and close eachother down. Those lovebusters do and can change how we feel towards our spouse. So, it changes, we lose the loving feeling. That can be regained. Also, love isn't just the warm and fuzzy feeling. Love is a choice. You choose to love your H through this or that. Love will not always "feel" good. Not that it should be a defining factor in your decision, but has your H done things to hurt you that give your parents reason not to like him? Well, now you have done something to hurt him that would give his parents a reason not to like you. Now, you both have the opportunity to turn it all around by learning how to stop doing the hurtful or lovebusting things and learn how to do the right things for eachother. You have really come to the right place here loveturtles. These people have been where you are. They faced it, owned it, learned better, changed it. They can lead you with the best of support and advice for you and your H to STOP lovebusting and START learning how to love eachother completely. They WILL help you build a lasting, healthy, happy marriage. You just have to be willing to face your mistakes. Own them, own your lovebusters, want to do better, clean up your side of things, be willing to give your H just compensation and put extrordinary precautions (EP's) in place so this can NEVER happen again.

He needs security. He will have triggers and setbacks b/c of what you have done. Recognize his fears. Love him through them and the mistakes he will make in trying to deal with this. If you are willing to follow the guidance they give you here, you will recover your marriage. I want to tell you that it is really refreshing to see your humbleness. That will serve you well in your journey to build a strong, lasting marriage with your H!

BTW, the fun and excitement attachment you feel towards the other man (OM)is really just fantasy. Try to think of it that way. You shared the fun, no responsibility, sex side of things with him that is just not real life. Who wouldn't enjoy being able to escape to some fantasy where everything feels good and is easy as to not have to deal with problems in real life? REAL life with your H who has endured so much with you and is willing to stand by you and give you another chance is such a beautiful gift. Rebuilding your marriage CORRECTLY will give you the greatest pleasure, better than the fantasy with the OM!!

Why does your family hate your husband?

Is this based off their own legitimate reasons, or is this from what you've told them - when you were in "the affair fog", so to speak?

Hi, I'm her husband. I think this book has been great...sure its been the hardest 4 months or so of my life, but this book helped me understand affairs, why they happen, and how they typically end.

The other day she texted me saying that she picked up the book and started reading it and that it was dead on with how she was feeling. So we decided to get together and talk about the book, she broke down and poured it all on the table. She was ready to be done with the affair.

We talked with the pastor and he had some wonderful advice, having been through a similar situation he was able to empathize with her. The hardest part is she is having really hard moments usually at night were she second guesses everything and that makes her confused and sad. IDK, its hard but I know shes trying to make this work. No one said it was going to be easy, but I know God is working overtime to bring us back together in His own way.