... want to recover from his affairs?

I am married to a sex addict and alcoholic.

This summer, he came clean that he had multiple physical affairs and partners over our entire marriage. Friends, prostitutes, ONS ... whatever. (I am clean, thank goodness)

Prior to that, he was very effective at lying, hiding and when busted, swore that it was all internet based, no physical. I stupidly believed him b/c I thought he was an honorable person. I believed him when he cried and said he didn't like the part of him that "needed" porn and that he would fix it.

At the point he came clean, I was VERY DONE with the entire relationship - the secret email accounts, the porn, the drinking, which has escallated. (He's functional, great job, etc - he doesn't drink until evening, but he gets bombed and is basically a lump on my couch)

I have been miserable most of the marriage, but have been trying my best to give it all - because he made me feel responsible for his hurt and his unhappiness. We have tried many things, including HNHN - well, I tried anyway.

I finally got to a point where I am ok with ME. I don't own his problems and I don't want to continue this relationship.

Of course, now he's scared and he's seeking treatment. He is seeing a counselor, he is going to SA meetings. He swears he is fixing it. I kinda don't care, other than I want him to fix it b/c of the kids.

The problem is that he might be addressing the sexual addiction, but he's not addressing the alcohol. He feels he can control it, so he drinks after the kids and I go to bed.

I think this is indicative that he prefers to hold on to as much of his addiction as possible and will likely return to the same activities later.

We have small children. The only thing that has given me pause in running from this toxic mess is that they love their screwed up Dad.

So I guess what I am looking for is experiences. I just cannot imagine having to spend the rest of my life snooping and spying to be sure he's staying sober and faithful. I just don't care and don't want to anymore.

Is it wrong to not give it one last try?

BTW - as far as the kids are concerned, I used to value keeping the family together at any cost, but I now believe they are being exposed to bad relationship modeling and bad examples from the alcohol abuse. He travels for work and several people have told me the kids do much better when I am home alone, running the household in an orderly manner. He brings chaos when he returns.

I would appreciate any thoughts and insight.

I haven't been you, Unbroken. But I've been your small child. When my mother finally left (when we were adults), it broke my heart to realize that she stayed with an alcoholic for "our sake", depriving herself of the life that she could have had. The sober home we could have grown up in. If he is unwilling to address his alcoholism (after bed? staying up drinking? I find it very difficult to believe that will also not prompt his sexual addiction etc.). He is not committed to recovery right now. I would recommend Plan B for you and your family's health.

Welcome to MB.

Is your WH in AA? Are you in Alanon?
What to do with an alcoholic spouse

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself here in that situation. I would suggest PLAN B. A trial seperation to let your hubby reach rock bottom. NOt saying you should get divorced but the more he drinks and Lovebusts you, you will not have a happy marriage. His addictions MUST be taken care of First before you can implement any sort of joint agreement.

His drinking and sexual addictions MUST be taken care of first and that is HIS responsibility. You need to protect your love bank balance so you do not lose any more love for your hubby than you already have. While in Plan B (before you go into it) You write him a love letter explaining in a calm and rational manner how he can get his family back and the conditions in which you will return to the marriage. I believe there are some great PLAN B letters kicking around here that someone will drum up for you to use and modifiy to your situation. Protect your self and the kids and the love banks you have for your hubby from further damage. Dont bother telling him about this site yet as you will need it to use as a venting place and to gain some support in your trying times.

All this is of course if you want to recover the love you had for your husband. It will NOT be easy and not guarenteed but this is your best shot if you commit to it 100%.

REad .. and post .. and vent here. We will quide you on your journey.

MNG

Fast one Brain! .. I was just on my way to search for that.

NG thinks my hidden identity is a librarian.

He could be right you know ... however if you look closely at your username and the word librarian ... they are very similar. I can see the word Brain in there if you move the letters around and take some out. :p So I can see where NG is coming from haha...

Ditto to what the others have said about the alcohol. Plus you mentioned he travels for work...another marriage killer. Plan B or D. You don't HAVE to attempt recovery if you don't want to...that is your choice - I wouldn't. The alcohol (and supposed sex addition...I'm not a big believer in this) alone is enough reason recovery will NOT work.

Hello Unbroken. You sound like emotionally, you are very healthy considering you have been living with an addict. Addicts abuse their spouses so they can continue their addictions. At some point, addicts will always cheat. Their addictions cause so many problems in their family life, that they turn away from the mess they have created and find someone else to make them feel good. There really is no chance of real marital/relationship recovery while he is addicted b/c the addiction(s)is/are the most important thing(s)to him. Chasing that fix, escaping from reality in these ways give him pleasure and meet needs without him having to work hard or face fears or face any hard truths. He turns to these things to escape life b/c he doesn't have healthy coping skills and these things are an immediate escape and give immediate gratification. These things FEEL good. They give him a bit of pleasure that nothing else can, so it is sooooooo much bigger than you, and you are powerless against his addictions. He also can't connect to you while he is turning to everything outside your marriage instead of you.

Now, you have to protect yourself and your children. He is in denial. He can try to stop drinking or try to control his drinking, but then he will just be an alcholic, just trying not to take the next drink without facing the issues head on and overcoming why he drinks in the first place. He can try to not view porn, but porn has done so much damage to him, he has no clue how to overcome that on his own. It isn't just about "not doing it." It takes men a LOT of time and hard work to get to a healthy place when they have been porn addicts, and even then it is not all roses. You are right, these are his problems to overcome. He has an addictive personality. It is his job to figure out why. Most people won't try to get help if they think they can continue to manipulate, deceive, etc. so they can keep up their lifestyle. The thing that will usually motivate anyone to make a change is exposure, shame, facing consequences, something so bad happens it snaps them out of their addict fog. Until you make him suffer natural consequences for his choices, he is just going to keep right on doing these things. It seems he has been at this for a very, very long time and may not be able to face his fears and overcome his addictions. Some people just cannot ever do that. Some can. Keeping your children in this environment will destory who they can be. It really is destructive to them and shapes the way they view and feel about everything.

I actually do feel more emotionally and physically healthy than I have in years. It's a wonderful feeling.

All the years of repeated discoveries, questioning everything, emotional abuse and increasing misbehaviour have obliterated any smidgen of good feelings. I've learned I prefer to stand on my own. More importantly, I've come to grips with my anger at myself for continually being "duped". That's why I am reluctant to attempt another "last chance". I'm not mad at him, I don't hate him. I want him to get help, get better. I just don't want to be in the middle of the madhouse anymore.

I just cannot imagine how you possibly trust someone after this. I cannot imagine letting him have access to my emotions or my bed ever again. I can't imagine a lifetime of having to check up on someone to be sure they haven't restarted addictive behaviours. A spouse should be a partner, not another child.

Unbroken .. thats just it .. you DONT trust ... and thats ok. Its not a lack of trust that kills marriages .. its TOO much trust that does.

MNG

Hmmm. I will have to think about that one ... how can you have a marriage with someone you don't trust? Not saying you shouldn't keep your eyes open, but there has to be some basis for believability.

Trust can be rebuilt.

Your WH has not restarted addictive behaviors...he has never stopped drinking. Do you understand your chances of R with an alcoholic are ZERO?

Not sure if you are trying to be convinced by others why you should give him another chance but you have not responded to what has been pointed out about his drinking and work travel.

I see nothing here TO SAVE. If he won't arrest his drinking problem it is hopeless anyway. If it were me, I would move on.

First he would need to stop his addictions, then IF you were to try to recover your M, you would trust but verify.

And this is the point. There is no basis for believability with a practicing alcoholic.

Correct. It is clear to me that he is not ready to give up drinking. I agree there is no recovery with the addictions in place and he knows that. I have informed his counselor of the quantities he is consuming and it's clear to me that he is not being forthright with his counselor.

I feel pretty comfortable that I am really, really ready for plan D. I don't even want to wait around anymore to see if he will get serious about fixing the addictions (i.e. plan B). I suppose I was looking for some validation that I don't have to.

I guess I have always held the ideal that D was never an option. Now it feels like the only way to keep my sanity.

I would tend to agree. And this is coming from a recovering alcoholic. [ME] You don't owe him another single day of suffering.

Unbroken
Listen to these guys.
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