I have been busy getting things in order, I hesitate to go back to the house for one reason and one reason only.....

He has admitted to me that he has cut himself, only once but still, and that he has thought of eating a bullet. He told me that if I stayed that he would do it. Now a friend of mine has said that it was probably just to scare me to get what he wanted, me out.... But I can't take that chance for my kids' sake. And I've been having our son text him every morning to make sure that he's ok. I have an appointment to talk to Dr. Harley tomorrow. Listen in and tell me what you think.

Personal safety comes before marriage.
If he said he is suicidal and that he will cut and shoot himself, accept what he says.
Don't assume he is saying it because.....
Just accept what he is saying.

At this time I encourage you not to return home until your husband is no longer suicidal

If your husband is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA you should call the psychiatrist and offer a "spouses perspective" to help in treatment

CnAmry, I would strongly encourage you to go home as soon as possible. If your husband plays the suicide card again, then call 911. The police can come and get him committed if necessary. This is a common ploy of waywards to get their way so you should call his bluff. If he is bluffing, he will be embarrassed and will not play this card again. If he is serious, he will get the help he needs.

For your kids sake, you should go home and get him committed if he wants to play the suicide card. That is in the best interest of ALL of you.

But, more importantly, you should not leave your home to facilitate his affair. That is your home. If anyone leaves, it should be him.

By leaving, you make it much, much harder to save your marriage.

I had a friend tell me to call the police on him too. I'd hate to do that to him, but it might be the wake up call that he desperately needs. Thanks all. I will keep you posted.

Cnamry, I suspect he played that card to manipulate you. Just think, when someone is serious about killing themselves they just go and do it. They don't make their poor wife vacate her home as a threat..

It would be in your husband's best interest to call 911. You can't lose by doing that.

If someone threatens to commit suicide you are morally obligated to call the police.
They are trained on how to deal with such matters.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist?

Is there any history of police involvement with either of you or your marriage?

The home is your (collective) home. It is not right that your children (or you) should have to be out of their (your) home.

It would be a great kindness for him to have to deal with the reality of his threats i.e. Police and mental health professional involvement, a mental health care plan being developed.

Yes, this may be hard on his pride but it is the beginning of the only real path to health for him and for your marriage.

Humble and Alive is far better than Proud and Dead.
(I am sorry to be blunt but really if you are talking self harm than pride is no longer to be considered!)

In addition this may allow for you to be there for him as he recovers. I am sure you know that there will be an enormous amount of work for you down this road.

No one can blame you should you decide that you have had enough of dealing with the strain of this and permanently leave the marriage. But, should you choose to be with him, you are at least far better armed than most will ever be. MBers are in it for the long haul with you.

In addition Dr Harley's advice given free through his radio show is insightful and practical. If you are unsure how to proceed nothing would beat a phone call to the show. You start with an email to Joyce at: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

He said that he doesn't believe in therapy. I think it's due to his pride.

It does not matter whether or not he believes in therapy, if you call the police they will be recommending it. Not sure how it is where you are but in my area a person must stay in hospital for 48 hours for evaluation if they threaten suicide and it is reported to police.

Of course hard for you to report a current threat if you are not in contact.

Have you read up on Plan A yet ?

Plan A and Plan B here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I have been "keeping an eye" on my husbands texts and calls since he has asked me to leave and he's been calling his male single friend and had very little contact with the OW.

I have noticed that when I come into the house when he is not home that he is still wearing his wedding ring, and has been eating dinner with his male friend. My concern is that his male friend will urge him to stay "single" so that they have more time to hang out together. His friend does have a 16 year old daughter. I'm unaware of whether or not the daughter has been coming over to the house or not. I have only noticed two paper plates in the trash when I come home, so I would assume its only the two of them.

I will talk to Dr. Harley today on his show and see what his advice is, I'm also going to schedule a time today to talk to a priest, and I will try to call the police station to see what the law says about our domestic situation.

Thank you so much for all your advice and I think for right now, I need to move back home with my kids. My H is not single and if he wants to be, then he needs to man up and say so. I know his family will support us staying together, they do not believe in divorce for religious reasons. And that is probably why there is only one person in his family that knows what is really going on in our house right now.

Again, feel free to tune in to the show today and let me know what you think.

Well done with watching his texts etc. Be very sure to keep what you are doing completely to yourself until you have had plenty of opportunity to check for affair activity. If you tip your hand on this one any evidence of an affair will be much harder to find. Whatever you do, do not ASK him if he is cheating. Cheaters lie. You can depend on that.

Many of the affair stories on this board start with the BS (betrayed spouse) declaring that there is NO WAY their spouse could possibly be cheating and then little by little it becomes apparent. Much better to be absolutely sure and then work forward from there.



As above it is really not possible to be sure from just this info, his ILYBINILWY (I love you but I am not in Love with You) speech is a dead giveaway of an affair. Also the depression etc is quite indicative of secretive behaviours. Guilt is a possible cause of depression...

Fantastic ! Straight from the horses mouth so to speak
Just be sure to give him all of the pertinent information. DO go on the show if you possibly can rather than just emailing as you get so much more opportunity to get down to the actual problem. Also they welcome future contact with them to help you to continue to sort your problems.



That is so great (that you are moving back in). I hear your strength returning. He had delivered a real shock to your system. Your first post was full of self doubt and self blame but now you sound much more in control.



This is also great news. A family culture of marriages that stay together and people who expect fidelity is a very big plus for the future of your marriage.


Be aware that you will get plenty of painful advice here. A lot of very direct advice about how to improve your own behaviours to maximise your quality of life and the quality of your marriage. It is a process.

Also people will expect honest, direct answers to their questions. And to know that you are listening to their advice. By all means ignore me but it is really your loss if you ignore Pepperbrand, Melody Lane, Scotland, Indie Girl, Neak or any of the other longtermers. Check out their number of posts and the respect others give that poster. Check their signature lines, follow the links, Read, read, read. Let the wisdom grow. Your husband will see a much calmer more self assured woman as a result. And you will have power you never dreamed of before.



I will certainly be listening though it will probably be on the rebroadcast due to time zones

I am listening to you now.

You have already been so strong already.

Great advice indeed from the Harleys. Listen and relisten to the show !

You can do this. And we will be here for you!

That is great news that your going to move back in your marital home. Please keep us updated on how that boils out and we will provide the advice and support you will need to fight for your marriage and family.

Looking forward to listening to you on the radio today when i get a chance during my lunch break.

God Bless!

MNG

Heard it girl! I hope it gave you strength to go forward now!! There are websites (you usually have to pay, but they are pretty cheap) that will give you names to numbers you enter, addresses to names you enter. Family members/close relatives to names you enter. Spokeo is one. Melody Lane has them at her finger tips.

Your gut is usually right. So, listen to it. Joyce is giving you some wonderful advice right now!!!!

How do you know this is a male?

Are you planning on taking Dr Harley's advice to expose the affair?

Dr Harley agreed that your husband was manipulating you when he played the suicide/nervous breakdown card.

Good question ML ... Maybe she should install a nanny cam or VAR in the dinning room and in the bedroom to catch the convos going on when she is not there.

MNG

On the monitoring the text and phone calls, remember that they can always get a pre-paid phone you dont know about. My husband did that and still "texted as friends" on his regular phone so I could see it was all it was. He told her to text his regular phone a few times a day about friend stuff so I would not catch on.