e the

My wife began her affair within a week or so of meeting the OM, and I don't believe that in such a short period of time that she suddenly developed the ability to pathologically lie, lost her empathy for others, and had her conscious abandoned her. These were obviously traits that she already possessed, and they either went undetected (by others) or were undiscovered (by her) until her affair revealed them.

I think most people have had the opportunity to have an affair, and may have even have been tempted, but the inability to lie, lack empathy for loved ones, or their conscious prevented the affair from happening.

What would you recommend that I do differently to prevent a future affair? Our marriage concepts seems to have for Harley's advice very accurately.

No, dingbat - the trust was justified, he means!

The difference a comma can make!!! One needed after the word "affair"...says the typo queen lol

burnedout, you are gonna HAVE to take your blinders off and consider that people who have been where you are, who have faced it, who have overcome it in the right ways, and who are OBJECTIVE outsiders to your situation, are giving you the correct information here. You have to be willing to see the truth no matter how much it hurts. You will read here that to trust blindly is NOT what you should do - even it if is earned like you say. People cheat when circumstances come together in such a way, that they want to do so. They know it is not right, so they WILL lie to cover up everything to do with their cheating behavior b/c they don't want to be outed or have to stop.

Just open up your mind here burned. These people KNOW what they are talking about. Let them help you. Facing these truths is not going to kill you. Facing them will help you own your mistakes and arm you with truths that will HELP you recover your marriage.

Burnedout,

So what is bothering you now, do you feel that in certain ways she never came back into the marriage? Or that you never again felt certain what was going on when you were not with your W?

God Bless
Gamma

She cheated because she has poor boundaries around men. If she had appropriate boundaries she would not have had TWO affairs. Your methods are NOT identical to Dr Harleys; not even close. It is not a "method" of affair proofing to allow a man outside of your marriage to meet your needs.

I don't think you understand the concept of affair proofing, much less the concept of boundaries. I understand why she cheated with this man: she has inappropriate boundaries. You are very confused about how this works, which tells me you are probably headed for affair #3.

My suggestion would be to first EDUCATE yourself about affairs so you understand what you are dealing with. And the second thing you should do to prevent a repeat affair is to affair proof your marriage. You are not following the MB program and don't understand how affairs start.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Blindly trust only one thing - we are all human and imperfect. Hence, the use of boundaries and precautions, even in the most seemingly perfect marriages.

I haven't figured out how to use the multi quote function, so bear with me.

What blinders are you referring to? I have never blindly trusted anyone, including my wife. A little history is probably warranted here:
I was married in 4/90, and I worked very hard to fulfill my wife's emotional,physical, and financial needs, and we had a great marriage as the result of our continuous efforts. Until my wife met her affair partner, our marriage couldn't have been better, we were like to ferrets together, and she claims to this day that she couldn't have wanted more from her marriage.

Then, in early 1992 things started to change rapidly. She became argumentative, and was becoming less interested and distant with me.
At the time, my radar went up, and I attempted to become even more proactive towards our marriage and her needs, but the harder I tried, the more it seemed to irritate her. In retrospect, at that point in time, she had obviously decided to pursue a relationship with a co worker she had met just a week or so earlier.

In 2/93 I discovered the affair, and that night she moved out with the OM. She lived with him for a couple of months, filed for divorce, and then wanted to reconcile, which we did. Everything was great for the next several years, and I couldn't have ask for a better marriage while continuing to work on keeping her love bank full and meeting her emotional needs.

Then, in 4/00 I ask her if she had had any contact with the OM over the years (needing the reassurance she hadn't) and she admitted that she had been in contact. After we reconciled 7yrs earlier, she said she called him back, and then had no contact for nearly 3 1/2yrs. One day he called her at work, and the affair was back on despite the fact that by then he was married, and living over 100 miles away. The affair wasn't intense like before, but the they would meet a few times a year when the opportunity could be safely arranged. The affair finally fizzled, and had been over for quite some time before I became aware that it had resumed at all.

Her poor boundaries in the 23yrs we have been together was with this particular person only, and no one else. She still says that she can't believe that she did it, but there it is.

In defense of my wife, I will say that she has been as good, loving, and faithful wife in the years since as anyone could ask for. When her affair originally began in 1992, we were going through fertility testing to have a baby, which came to an end with the affair, but in 2005 we started treatment, and in 2006 had our first (and only) child. The suffering that she endured to become pregnant as well as the near death experience she had delivering our daughter was incredible, and she is a wonderful mother and partner.

So what's the issue? None other than my response was to a question about experiences with false recoveries, and I gave mine. I have a great marriage, but despite that, I can never forget what my wife is not only capable of, but willing to do if the situation suites her.

I know what it's like to have a great marriage that has never suffered infidelity, and I know what it's like to have a great marriage that has suffered infidelity, and the difference between the two is incredible.

As much as I love my wife and enjoy being married to her, in retrospect I wish I would have divorced her 19yrs ago and built a life with a partner who had never betrayed me, that's all. I would never destroy my family to meet my own needs, so from here on out, I made my bed and will fulfill my responsibilities to be the best husband and father that I can be. I guess life has it's bruises.

BO, were you married before? I am confused what you mean when you say you know what its like to have a great marriage that has never suffered infidelity. Your wife has had 2 affairs so that would not describe your current marriage.

And I am curious, did you ever expose her affair to the OM's wife?

That is true of anything in life whether it be infidelity, lying, stealing, (insert bad behavior). All humans are capable...not all choose to make that bad decision or put themselves in a bad situation where it is more likely to happen.

I was referring to the first 2 yrs of my marriage to my current wife being without affair.

In the first DD, there was no one other than me and my family that wasn't aware of her affair.

On the second DD. I had no way of contacting the OM's wife, because my wife didn't know his address of have his land line ph#. She would page him, or he would contact her at her work, but had I been able to expose the affair to the OM' wife at the time, of course I would have done it.

One of the things that has always perplexed me about my wife's affair,is how many people were aware of the affair, but none were willing to do the right thing and expose it.

I am not a "vet" here, BurnedOut, but it seems to me that you do not understand what your WW got from her OM. Even if your marriage was perfect before the A, she can still allow someone outside the marriage for meet her main EN's.

My WH did have boundaries in place before the A. But little by little, he allowed them to be eroded with his OW, every step a further slide down the path into full out affair. (Interesting it is called "falling" in love...) He knew what he was doing was wrong from the first time he had a semi-private conversation w/ the Dolly. Otherwise he would have told me about it as it progressed. But he continued to justify to himself each step further down the rabbit hole. He HAD to, in order to keep himself from the full realization of how much he was risking, how hurt I would be, and how far across his original boundaries he'd drifted. Then, he HAD to lie to me to cover it up. Why? Because it felt good and he didn't want to stop, nor did he want me to make his stop.

As part of recovery, we are exploring what EN's the Dolly met for my WH. These are areas of vulnerability for him. He especially needs to guard against allowing her (or anyone other than me) meet these needs, in order to avoid another affair. And, his understanding of that EN's were being met by the Dolly helps him to see she is not his "soulmate", a "gift from God", his "one and only chance at happiness", or even someone particularly special. He can actually see the mechanics of it, the "little man behind the curtain".

And, I have a very specific recipe for what EN's of his I must do better at meeting, in order for him to re-fall in love with me, and stay there. And this is NOT to say that I am responsible for his A, which we both understand.

Do you know what she was "getting" from the OM?

Burnedout,

One of the things that has always perplexed me about my wife's affair,is how many people were aware of the affair, but none were willing to do the right thing and expose it.

It sounds like your W has never come clean about the affair with you, did you get all of your questions answered, did you speak with the OM to get his version of the affair?

What is keeping you from doing the right thing now and telling OMW?

God Bless
Gamma

But it was that marriage that led to TWO affairs. That is my point. Your marriage has been plagued with infidelity.


Ok, but you have not exposed the affair to the other BS. You are aware of the affair but did not notify the OM's wife.

Probably that the affair ended 12-15 yrs ago. (confirmed?????)

No, my wife has told it in as much detail as she can recall. I had no way of contacting the OM's wife at the time. His version was just like my wife's version. He loved her and wanted her. There was no denial or conflicted story.

The 2 affairs were with the same person. I agree with Dr. Harley that once the relationship has began, detaching from the other person is difficult, and when he contacted her years later, she didn't resist.

But my point is the same. Yours has not been a marriage that is free from infidelity. Your marriage has been plagued with infidelity.

Have you considered contacting the OM's wife and telling her about the affair?

Burnedout,

detaching from the other person is difficult

It's more like an alcoholic separating themselves from booze, I think from reading here you understand that an affair is also an addiction.

Does your W still work for the company where the affair took place, or has she kept physical momentos or gifts from OM?

God Bless
Gamma