That's correct. I would say that with the exception of the way that I feel, my marriage has probably recovered as well as anyone could expect.

Look, I love my wife dearly, and she really has been an excellent wife for the last 13yrs without question, but the fact remains that I will never experience the same feelings of intimacy or the special bond I felt towards her in the years before the affair. I have spent the years working on the positive, hoping that the day will eventually come that the after effects of the affair will no longer be on my mind with crippling pain from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep, with the routine haunting of my dreams, but so far that time hasn't come. Perhaps this is why most people understand that infidelity is such a heinous action that should never be inflicted on another human being, especially to someone who loves and holds you above all others in life.

All that's left is patience, persistence, and faith that one day these feelings will lessen, or (hopefully) disappear.

BO, the reason that you don't feel intimacy or a special bond is because you haven't had a plan for recovery. Unless you have a plan to transform the marriage into something that is better than what you had before, you end up with resentment. Most marriages never recover from an affair because they don't follow a specific plan for recovery; instead they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. Their resentment lingers and in many cases, grows. It sounds like that has happened to you. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

But you don't have to be like that.

Those of us here in recovered marriage feel MORE intimacy and a more special bond than before the affair. WE are in romantic, passionate marriages. That is what MB achieves. If you want to have that same thing, get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program for recovery in there.

Also, I would strongly suggest you do tell the OM's wife about the affair. His wife needs to know the truth. Telling her will also serve safeguard your own marriage.

No, my wife hasn't worked there for over 20yrs. She has kept nothing from the affair. In fact, he never bought her anything during the affair periods. When they had the affair back in 92'-93', they worked together for the first few months at a job where they were in contact for brief periods throughout the day. At the time he was single and lived close by, and basically only needed to answer the door, or pick up the phone.

As far as I can tell there was nothing beyond conversation and physical affection that he was capable or willing to provide, and apparently when they lived together that wasn't enough for her.

I have tried for the last 19yrs to understand what needs of my wife's that he was fulfilling that I didn't, and so far, no clue. My wife claims that she doesn't know either, and claims that I have always met all of her needs.

Perhaps it was something as simple as she found herself attracted to someone new who provided additional attention that made her feel special, and though she just wanted to put her toe in the water, before she knew it she was in over her head. Trust me, not a day goes by that I don't try to figure it all out.

Most affairs begin when a spouse allows someone else to meet their needs for conversation and affection. When one need is met outside of marriage, the others are close behind. The fact that she allowed another man to meet those needs indicates that she has poor boundaries around men.

BO, please take the time to educate yourself about the dynamics of affairs. It is real obvious to everyone here why the affair occurred. And it will be to you once you read the book Surviving an Affair.

Oh, I do feel intimacy and a special bond with my wife, but not like before her betrayal. My marriage is passionate and romantic, but perhaps there are those here that didn't experience that in their marriage before the affair, but I certainly did.

My problem isn't with the current state of my marriage at all, it's as good as anyone could expect. It's just that I will never forget what has occurred. Perhaps it's that photographic memory thing that has plagued me throughout life. When it's good, it's good, but when it's bad... well.

And that is my point. Unless you create a marriage that is BETTER THAN what you had before, it is not considered a recovered marriage by Dr Harley's standards. But you can have better. A sign of an incomplete recovery is when one is plagued by memories. When the present is not pleasant, one tends to live in the past.

I think that I understand the dynamics of affairs, and I have probably read and researched more on the subject than most. Tell me, why did my wife have an affair? She has worked with and around men since she was a teenager,and has continued to do so throughout her working career, and has managed to define and keep her boundaries around every man she has ever been around with the exception of this one particular man.

So once gain, why the affair with this man? Why no affairs before or after if it's a inability for her to define and maintain boundaries regarding men?? A more accurate statement would be that she had a boundaries issue with one particular man, not the plurality men.

How you are living like this all these years I don't know. Your wife's answer is that there was no reason for the affair. I think that would be enough to drive anyone crazy and that is why you haven't had any peace since the day you found out. She is a deceptive woman. People don't have affairs for no reason.

But if you understand the dynamics of affairs, you would know the answer to this. That is my point. Anyone who is educated about affairs can read your posts and tell why she had an affair. The fact that you don't know why indicates you have never read the right books and don't understand how all this works.


But that doesn't make any sense. The OM was no different from the others until she fell in love with him. If she had good boundaries with men, she would have had good boundaries with him. We know she didn't.


You should be able to answer this yourself. It is obvious and you have given us the answer in your posts.

That is not a credible statement.

There is no control for the memories thing. I spent a lot of time in therapy to deal with something that happened when I was a child, and a solution was never found. I'm the guy who can recall everyday over my life with complete accuracy. I can remember the license plate numbers of the cars I owned as a teenager, my friends license plate numbers, my girlfriends phone number when I was 18, what was on T.V. for any particular year in question, the clothes I wore in any given year. To me the memories of 20 or 30yrs ago are as clear as if it were yesterday, and it's irrelevant if your talking about a day ago, a month ago, 10yrs ago, 30yrs ago, or when I was 8yrs old, they're all the same to me.

No one forgets an affair, so your sharp memory is not the issue. It is about where your focus lies. If your memory is good with bad things, it will also be good with good things.

The issue is that your focus lies in the past because your present is not happy. Your experience is exactly what we would expect from someone whose marriage did not recover from the affair. We see it on this forum every day. When the present is unhappy, one tends to stay stuck in the past. But when the present is happy and fulfilling, one is not plagued with bad memories and is not "burnedout."

Dr Harley addressed this issue in this radio clip:

go to about 9:00

part 2

Her actions do not bear out this statement. Her boundaries were obviously flexible, or they would not have flexed to include another man. This underscores Dr. H's statement that affairs can happen to anyone, even those who are staunch advocates of fidelity. It's all about their boundaries. If the boundaries are loose and fall, the rest of their morals will follow. Because her boundaries were loose. It's embarrassingly simple. Tighter boundaries would have flagged her quickly when she spent just a little too much time talking to OM - she would have know to remove herself from him. But she didn't do that - because she had loose boundaries.

It's all about the strength of a person's boundaries, BO.

No. You are incorrect. Most of the remorseful waywards we help recover claim that they never intended for their 'friendship' to develop into an affair. Anecdotal evidence alone washes that statement out. I don't believe she WAS determined, unless she tells me that herself. It sounds like the two of you never addressed the damage done from the affair, and moved along with your lives. The damage festered and has resulted in the continuation of the affair.

I never said that my wife said that there was no reason for her affair, I said that she didn't understand or couldn't identify the reason, and if you have ever spent time in therapy, you would understand that her response could be identified as something other than deception. Of course there was a reason, but it could have been something as simple as being flattered by someone she found attractive, interesting, etc, and before she realized it an affair was in motion.

I have had many opportunities to have affairs over my life, both before and during my marriage, and though I have been tempted, I couldn't do it because I can't lie, I could never expose others to the potential pain, and I have a conscience that would haunt me. Those who have affairs don't have those traits, and unfortunately, in most instances that isn't revealed until an affair has occurred. Dr Harley says not to expect remorse from a wayward spouse after the discovery of an affair, and that's because most don't have any, because it's an emotion that they don't possess. You will also notice that Dr. Harley uses the term "most", and not "always" when referring to the reasons people have affairs, or the behaviours of wayward spouses. There's a reason he does that.

Sure she did. She HAD to in order to have the affair. Picture it: a woman with loose boundaries who now has a man interested in her? It only stands to reason that she will eliminate any mental objections her sense of morality with put in her way to achieving her goal: being with the OM. She HAS to, or the affair can't occur. It's simple logistics, once you've figured out the illogical mind of a wayward. Sounds like a boundary thing to me. For whatever reason, people will find themselves in a place that is ripe for an affair, and those people won't have one, for whatever singular reason they may choose. The bottom line is that their boundaries will not allow it. First of all, if you want to be successful at this, drop the "I" and make it "what can WE do differently". Both of you need to be committed to your marriage. It will be difficult to heal a marriage by yourself.

Have you considered counselling with Steve Harley?

Wrong. Poor boundaries know no race, creed, color or sex. This particular OM was there and presented her with an opportunity. Boundaries don't loosen to accommodate an affair; they are loose, which accommodates an affair. Your WW's boundaries have been loose for decades.

What, specifically, have you and your wife done to recover your marriage and make it great?

Please be specific.

Do you have the book "Surviving an Affair"?