Hello, I am a new poster here, but have been reading along and agree with all the concepts and to-dos.

Long story short - Married several decades, now divorced. WXH is in affairage of near 5 years and shows no signs of stopping after making the affair "legit". (Well maybe some signs, but I don't trust myself to see that accurately - could be nothing...)

I have had two relationships since the divorce. One ended rather quickly. The second has been four years, but is not going well at this time due to circumstances and distance. Since the divorce, behavior has changed (over time) on my part in all sorts of ways - not sure about WXH. He appears to many others to be "happy" and "committed" and in fact, it feels like he "got away" with it to me. Family and friends seemed to have embraced the new wife with open arms.

At the time of the divorce (I managed to stall for six months) I wanted counseling and reconciliation. Deep in love with her, he wanted out instead. So I don't feel we did all we could to save the marriage, but I obviously couldn't do it alone. So eventually I was forced to let him go. I made a decision to get into a relationship to practice new behavior and be more aware and as far as that goes, it has been a very different experience in a positive way.

After all this time, should I even be thinking about this anymore? I know how "most" affairs end, but why does my ex have to be the one countering the statistics? As to that, they are (apparently) Christian churchgoers and yet seem to feel no guilt about wrecking a family.

Speaking of family, he has visited some of my family with her - siblings, parents... They were okay with that and did not shun him. It feels odd to me that he should want to visit them, and particularly odd that she seems to adopt my family too. I feel twice betrayed - once by him, and once by them. They so want to "refrain from judging" that they bend over backwards to accomodate "such a nice guy".

I'd expect it from my kids -- but parents, siblings, and more?

By way of trying to forgive, I tried to approach the new wife for friendship -- but she insists on acting like an enemy. I am sure he complained about my part in the marriage (leaving out his own behaviors).

I did spend quite a bit of time alone -- but now I am trying to decide whether to stand for the current relationship (despite overwhelming problems), eventually date again, or wait for WXH's marriage to break up. I think even if there were major problems it might not, because he has something to prove...

In addition, even if I found someone it would be hard to marry again. I am on alimony and would lose future social security if I marry before age 60. I have problems with depression (now managed) which is, in part, what led to the downfall of the marriage among other things. There is more, but for now, I will wait for some answers.

MeFam

Do your family members know that your marriage ended over his affair with this sleazebag woman? Do they know she is your worst nightmare and how painful it is to you for them to court someone who committed such a horrific act against you?


She is your enemy and forgiveness would be inappropriate. She represents your worst nightmare so reconcilation with her would not be in your best interest. First off, she doesn't want or need your forgivness. What you need is to protect yourself from such triggers.

The way to do that is to completely shut them out of your life. I know you probably still hurt very much about the injustice that was done to you. The way to get over that is to avoid them. Excise the toxic cheaters out of your life. You will be amazed at how effective that will be in helping you get over your resentment.

And lastly, we understand completely what you have been through. Being the victim of adultery is about the worst thing that can happen to someone. The best way to recover is to do your best and remove the triggers.

Your XWH is married for 5 years so I doubt that he will come back.

I would talk to your relatives, start with your parents first and ask why their lack of support by accepting OW into their lives.

At 60 I would not make any moves that may damage your financial security.

I would suggest that you call the Harleys and get good professional guidance on how to proceed with your family/XWH/relationships.

Dr Harley discusses "forgiveness" of the OW on his radio show:

"A person can "release anger" without forgiving the OP. What you are talking about is some feel good fake forgiveness and not real forgiveness."

Part 1

Part 2

Do your kids and parents know about the affair? Do they understand that the affair destroyed your marriage? Have you told your family how much it upsets you to know thay they have accepted the tramp who helped destroy your marriage?

Definitely know that you can not focus on whether the affairage will survive/not survive til death do they part, nor on whether there are problems with them or not.

Refocus on yourself. Snap a rubber band on your wrist if you think of them.

Tell your family that you are hurt by their welcoming of the OW in their lives. That, judgement withheld about what happened in your marriage dismisses the anguish you have suffered and somewhat continue to suffer, it is, in essence, a judgement against you. It hurts you. Plain and simple it does. You are human and nothing will take that away, not time, not wishes that it will be negated.

XH may seem like a great guy to them, but you would like them to protect you from continued hurt of his involvement with the family. It hurts you. You can not force them to take a stand but you can clearly tell them how it is affecting you. They are not mind readers.

Have zip to do with OW and XH. Zip.

It is your best chance at having less sorrow. There will still be sorrow, but less.

Thanks for all the answers.

I have made it clear how it affects me. Makes little difference. I am "not forgiving" if I persist in pushing the point to them. Especially since in their eyes I was a selfish difficult person and while not directly deserving, it's understandable to them that a backlash would have occurred. I rather agree with that in some ways from current perspective.

I feel it is punishment for the rest of my life for what I *used* to be and am not now and will never be again. More than the marriage was lost here - my sense of security and solid family, my health, major delays in my vocation and definitely the home I loved. Oh and trust - I was blindsided. Also my son, who no longer speaks to me or communicates. XWH ended the marriage, but I am the outcast.

I AM trying to appreciate what I have left. If it were not for the monetary support, I would not have been able to look after certain family members recently. I have just enough means to live life, but not quite to the way I was accustomed to living it.

I am also trying to manage the depression, failing only at times of high stress -- like now. For that reason, I have decided to end this thread here because I don't think the jumping to conclusions by some is helpful to depression...

Nevertheless - thank you to all who answered...

Hang in there. I am just starting this road of personal recovery myself. I can't believe he is stealing your family. That is really low and down right abusive. If it were me, I'd tell him to BACK OFF. Since I decided not to communicate with my WH I am seeing a change in myself. These folks are right when they say you need to remove the triggers. You just keep putting yourself right back into the pain everytime you see or interact with him. It's been suggested many times here that people move away. Is that an option that you can pursue? I'm sorry for the loss of communication with your son. If any relationship should be worked on being recovered, it's that one.

MFF, just wanted to add that if you think someone has jumped to a conclusion, the simplest thing to do is correct their misconception by providing more data. Being defensive and getting stressed out about it is counterproductive and not good for your mental health. No one here knows you personally, so in trying to give advice the conclusions are drawn on the information given.

I don't care how "horrible" you were, you didn't deserve to be cheated on. So never, ever blame yourself. It was a choice your xWH made. A sinful, hurtful choice. You deserved a chance to have your shortcomings pointed out and to have been able to work on them. I understand that you feel cheated from not having that opportunity. So do I.

Thank you for telling ME what I am talking about. I'd like to know where you acquired your mind-reading skills so I can get some. I really have an objection to the word "fake". It's a label assigned by you to what I went through and I see it as you already jumping to conclusions before I have said much..

Now, if you're interested in actual facts...

I feel the need to at least be able to be civil with them as we are all likely to be in one another's presence occasionally while the grandchildren grow up. Since my XWH and his wife have been married a decent amount of time, and my family (including my adult children) engage with them, it's time I made peace with the situation...

To do that, I read a book called **edit**. It postulates that if a person can even come to a theory that what another does to their life is an agreement between the two to learn something from each other, there can be peace with what has occurred. I have come to believe that. The forgiveness is not for them, it is for me. It is a way to peace with what is now my life. The lessons I have learned have turned my life around. That is no excuse for them, but it is for me to know inside myself that I did good with the lessons I have learned.

This is not -right after- the affair and their marriage. This is five years in when I have been in a long term relationship myself for quite some time. Even if they weren't pressing themselves on my siblings and etc., they will still appear in photos with my kids and grandkids... If I am happy with my new life, I will be able to come to terms with this.

It won't hurt them if I am vengeful and bitter - it would only hurt ME. In fact, if my XWH is doing this to try to hurt me for being selfish in the marriage, then being bitter would work to his advantage.

I am here simply to finalize things with myself, so I can put my whole heart and soul into my new life and get rid of that little voice in the back of my head that hangs onto fantasy. Just as you would advise me to do if I were a WW...

There is more, but for now, I will wait for some answers.

Uhhhhhh, to what questions, exactly?

Thanks for your comments...

I did, initially, think of it as "stealing", in terms of how well can they support me if they are not being loyal. However, it's more like him wanting to continue to "share" them -- which I find very odd behavior. It may be that XWH has no close family of his own as he came from a broken home himself. I have talked to a counselor about this and she agrees it is odd behavior in a divorce. However, my asking him to back off simply had the reaction of stepping up the behavior and visiting them, not just communicating.

I can't TELL him what to do and expect him to follow it. I did ASK him to back off, with no success. You can't get an RO for that kind of thing.

I don't think it's enough to "remove" the triggers. Best to work on myself until the triggers no longer push buttons. That's a more mature way to handle it, I believe - and more consistent with my beliefs.

As to moving away -- I am, but there are delays and delays at present. I am however with family and my presence does cause some backing off... Looking for a cheap house in my desired area in the near future.

I have worked on recovering my son. He was going through his own divorce at the time and for similar reasons, so is probably personalizing this way beyond normal. In addition, he had a dysfunctional childhood for lots of reasons including mental disability and my depression(s). I don't think I was a *bad* mother - I simply had more problems than I could handle with my illness and was not as effective as I wanted to be. There's been a lot of "projection" in my family and his distancing may be part of that.

Here ya go...

Thanks, that is probably apt advice and I am taking it. I have a high curiosity level - some would say nosy I guess... It is and has often been my undoing, and I am attempting to conquer it. Not easy though, really. I may have a touch of obsessive-compulsiveness. I think the main cure will be being too busy to think about it at all. Though right now I am sitting around waiting to make some moves into a new life and (sigh) waiting is often when I get into trouble with myself. I am attempting written prayer and some meditation to deal with that currently.

**edit**

I might not have posted here at all, were it not for the inner feeling that I was still hanging on by a tiny unrealistic thread. And as others have posited, in fact, I was still clinging to hope in some form that I could someday get my old life back. It is coming home to me that I can't and I'd best get moving forward asap. In effect, I needed to dissuade that tiny part in my mind that "waits" and I think that has been accomplished.

I advice you to stop thinking about your exWH and his affairage and focus on yourself. If your current relationship has overwhelming problems then step away and un-overwhelm yourself.

I'd be depressed too thinking about an exWH five yrs post D and being in an overwhelming and unhappy relationship.

You're right. I suppose I had thought that 30 years might create a bond that would not break, but that's a fantasy.


Did that, as I've explained in a different message. No luck. Oh well...


Right. Well I'm not 60 yet. I know that social security has rules that I can marry after that, but not for the support... Hard to get disability for depression when you haven't worked -- but I'd rather take it from him than the government. I may have to get a continuance on it in 5 years though. I was too easy on him, trying not to appear too money grubbing and unattractive, hoping he would come back. Didn't work, and I got shortchanged.

It put me into a situation where I obviously cannot get married until I'm past social security age (he is younger). So I can have a relationship, but not co-habitate, nor marry.

A pretty picture... If the OW had really wanted me "out of the way" for good, this was a stupid move to counsel him about... I am eternally unspoken for, in that sense.


Thanks, I will as soon as I need further guidance. One of the relatives is very old and will probably not be around much longer, though that saddens me. Another is terribly selfish and says rude things and I have decided to drop my relationship with them anyhow. That just leaves one (other than my kids) who really is just being polite and keeps a polite distance from the XWH without being completely shunning. So I think I'm alright. It just seems unusual that the XWH and the W2 would take that approach with my family.

You've tried to be "mature" in 5 yrs and it hasn't worked. I am in plan B proper 3 days. It's amazing! Trust me.

I don't think that putting yourself in situations that you KNOW keep you triggered is mature at all. Maturity means using wisdom to avoid such situations and accepting that it is easier to change BEHAVIOR than it is one's reactions. I am a very mature person and guess what? I no longer am triggered by my XH and his OW. Instead of continually placing myself in close proximity and suffering, I removed myself from proximity and I am much happier because of it. You don't control your emotional reactions but you can control your behavior.

Do you have a belief that you are a happier person by placing yourself in situations that cause you unhappiness? So far you know that is not true.