The thing about divorce is that it war.
War against someone you love or once loved.
I myself was a mostly passive spouse in my own marriage.
I was fighting for 50-50 custody BUT the custody evaluator, 1 day after interviewing my wife, recommended I receive immediate full custody and my wife supervised visitation.

Now that alone is very telling of how sick I was. I was unable to see how sick my wife was. Insanity was the norm.

SBT is in a similar situation. His wife is a drunk. But he makes excuses for her alcoholism and associated behaviors. He is sick and cannot see the real picture.

That's why a GAL in this case would have been so important for the children.

Maybe but I don't think SBT is making excuses for his wife; I think he's a man who's been handed a rough hand by his adulterous spouse and has been forced to endure his wife's abuse for way too long by a court system that will punish him if he leaves. I see him shutting down based on the last few posts.

I hope he's ok, the divorce is over and he's gotten out.

I'm back. I've been preparing for court - which was put off until November because she hadn't compiled with ANYTHING so we couldn't prepare. We filed a motion to compel. That is complete and now she is court ordered to comply.

I talked to my attorney about a GAL. We haven't done it. My wife is alone with the kids only during the day until mid-afternoon. I am around after that. If a GAL were there during the day I don't think they would find any evidence of drinking. I DO know she went out the other night and came home drunk. I was home - as I am every afternoon/night. I will push on the GAL issue again.

I have one of the most bizarre quotes for you I have ever heard. Proof there is not room for a marriage relationship with my STBXW. The other night she was trying to start an argument. I resisted but I eventually brought up her A as a major reason our relationship broke down. Her response...sit down for this one... "I can't help it I'm attractive." Then she went on to say "Do you know how many times I've had offers to have sex with other men and how many times I actually did it?" I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Then she said "I can't control with these guys do and say." I walked away.

I'll update more. I apologize for disappearing for a while. My journey is not over. I am battling as best as I can for my kids and my family.

I also have some specific questions about the court process that I could use some help with regarding evidence collected over the last couple years.

BTW, HDW, I think you are right. My head is starting to clear. I am starting to see how crazy this whole situation is and how I couldn't see it before. I'm not all the way there yet. I know that because people like you and close friends of mine keep telling me the same thing.

SBT

Good to see an update from you. Kind of worried you fell off the deep side with being gone so long.

Glad to see you are fighting for the kids sake. They will always remember it. They may not show it right away but some day they will remember how Dad fought for them.

Have you ever read any of this?

Craziest thing to come out of a WayWards piehole

You may want to consider putting that in there. Some of the pure crap that spews out!

Keep up the good fight man. Good to hear from you.

nESRE

SBT, thanks for posting agian, I was wondering about you. I'm glad to hear you are continueing to fight for yourself and your family, and indirectly for your wife (with boundaries and by standing by your principles).

Definitely put those quotes in the thread nESRE attached. They are nice variations on the theme. I entered a few from my now-exww. Please keep in mind these may not be things she would say if she weren't under the influence of ETOH and her misguided hormones if she is continuing to be wayward in one way or another. My ex, several months after the divorce was final, admitted that she was "out of her mind" during the last year or two of our marriage and the months during the divorce. They really do become aliens. I was in that mode for some time early in my marriage as well, so I know it's true. Still, it hurts to hear those words coming out of the mouth of the person who was once your "true love."

I hope you are continueing to refrain from LB's, for you and your kid's sake. It takes tremendous restraint, faced with a diabolical, venom-spitting drunk possibly wayward stbx; but if you can refrain with her, you can do it with anyone, the rest of your life.

Over the summer, my son had a possible pneumothorax (punctured lung). My ex was amped up something fierce, like durign the 15 year marriage; trying to add all sorts of drama to the situation that really needed to be handled with calmness and logic. She tried to pull me into her level of anxiety with raising her voice (a trick that worked for 15 years, plus 5 before we were married). I resisted by lowering my voice and repeating that I was not going to tolerate being spoken to that way and that I would be happy to talk to her when she could be respectful and calm. The excuses came rolling in- "our son is in peril, I SHOULD be upset, this is serious, etc." (he was in the process of raking leaves at the time - perfectly fine). I stuck with my guns that there was no need for the yelling and voice raising, and please leave until you calm down and can be respectful.

It was not easy and I could feel myself being sucked down into the whirlpool over the drain which I had succumbed to for 15 years and have the holes in the walls to prove it.

Point: you mention you are getting clarity with separation (as I've said, the only way to see this thing objectively, IMO). With the clarity will come the strength to resist falling into the same wellpworn patterns. That has been my experience and I hope it will be yours as well.

Again, thanks for the update and I wish you the best of luck with your court fight/custody battle and continued recovery.

opt

To be clear. There has been no separation. Even today, her attorney threatened to file a motion for temp relief to get me out of the house - saying that things are becoming volatile and dangerous. Well, they are only "volatile and dangerous" because of her extreme anger. I have and will continue to refuse to leave. My kids should not be raised by a "functional" alcoholic. We continue to live together, sleep together, parent together, etc. I know its crazy but I'm starting to come out of it.

Do you have a VAR on your person? This is very dangerous and you need to be sure of it. If it's legal in your state.

What exactly is it that you need to do to protect yourself from her lies and from someone believing her lies so she can succeed at having you removed from the house? If her attorney files first, if it is the law in your state, you will legally HAVE to leave!!!

Loyalty has its boundaries, and this is it!!! Don't lose the war tyring to stand firm on your principles of sticking by your wife through thick and thin. She isn't looking out for you. She certainly isn't looking out for the kids.

File first or something!! That doesn't mean you have to go through with it. I honestly can't see why you would remain in the relationship with her as it is. It isn't honorable to you. It isn't good for the kids for her to see your marriage like this, or them seeing you allow her to treat you like this. At least protect yourself and your children until she has a fog break. You deserve better!

I have a VAR. There is a long story about that ill share sometime. Bottom line is yes...and she knows it.

Her atty is claiming there is and has been no "adverse impact" to the kids due to her chemical use.

Oh FFS...

Of course there's an adverse effect. Boy, she has a real winner for an attorney!

Well I'm going to have to prove it. It's not like I can point to a car accident caused by it or anything that obvious.

There are articles all over the internet that will support the obvious conclusion that an alcoholic parent adversely affects their children. Go online and print some of these articles. See if you can get them in front of the judge.

Check your local mental health professionals to see if they have contact information for a local advocate for children who is versed in the negative effects of an alcoholic parent. They may be willing to appear in court to support you before the judge.

You don't need a car accident to prove the damage of a functional alcoholic parent.

She's generally "happy mom" when she has something to drink. Kids like her better that way and I doubt even know what's going on.

Speaking as an adult child of a 'happy drunk' I can tell you that they most assuredly know when their mother "isn't herself". That's something that is very hard on kids - they need the security of a consistent parent.

Sbt,

Not sure where you are or what laws apply to you, but continuing to allow your kids to be around a functional drunk isn't going to look good when you are in the middle of the divorce. I suspect her attorney will say that she wasn't that bad otherwise you should have removed the kids from the house. It's typical for things to get turned around on you in situations like this.

At this point, I think it's safe to say that you need to get the kids and yourself out of there, but I also understand that you can't leave (I left my house because I couldn't be around her anymore, but it certainly wasn't the best move for my family or marriage) until after the divorce.

Here is a thought, what if you started collecting evidence of her drinking by looking at the credit card statement and recording the money spend on boos, as well as taking a picture of her with your phone when she takes a drink. If you can snap one or two with the kids in the picture even better. Once you have some hard evidence, take it to your attorney and try to file so that she has to leave.

Another option is to wait until she has been drinking and if she is dumb enough to get into the car I would immediately call the cops and report her as a drunk driver. A DUI would go a long way in your case. It might even be the thing that finally wakes her up to what her drinking will cost her. Up here DUI=1 day in jail. It has sobered many.

ak

She got a DUI a year ago. It didn't wake her up. She writes it off as a one time error in judgement. Her drinking now is hidden. She doesn't drink in the open.

Of course the atty says that. It is his job.
This is how it works: the judge wants to do what is BEST for the kids.
The judge doesn't care what your atty or her atty says. The judge cares about what the GAL says.
I have full custody of my 3 kids. Ive been through this. My wife fought for full custody.

As for alcoholism and her hiding the drinking, it is a progressive disease and won't be hidden for long.

I encourage you to attend an AlAnon meeting.
You need to understand alcoholism for your inner peace and this custody battle.

As for crazy quotes, my wife said "I'm going to have sex. Lots of sex with lots of men. I'm going to cover myself in condoms and have sex because I'm a woman"

I'm struggling. I'm not sure I have the strength to continue this fight. For years I have been able to confidently say that I wanted the end result to be an intact family for my kids. Increasing lately I have found myself wanting a normal relationship with someone else (no, there isn't anyone in particular - just the idea of a normal relationship with someone). Even just wanting to be alone and away from the constant issues of dealing with my wife's behaviors and addictions. I find myself saying to myself "I just want out".

I recognize this as my taker taking over but its happening more and more and I find it troubling.