Hello Dr. Harley,
my fiancee and I have been together for 3.5years. this is a long distance relationship because I am in school and he is home working. this has caused multiple problems for us, one of which is that I lost sight of who I was. I forgot my values and morals and had an affair. He found out, no surprise there. now we are trying to work things out, we both love and care for each other so much that we do only want to be together. I have been seeking a lot of self-help and reconnecting with the kind of person that I used to be. I am not a mean person, I just lost control of the bad things in me. anyways, our problem now is that he cannot look at me the same. He says that I am tarnished to him. He doesn't want to kiss or touch me because all he thinks of is the other man, but more than anything I look unpure to him now. How can I help him to get past this?

DHM, if you wish to talk to Dr. Harly directly, you need to email him - not post on these forums. But please understand that this is a Marriage-building website - it's not a dating relationships site. You are not married, you are dating.

DMH28

Do you want thoughts from us? Posting here like MB said does not get you access to DR. Harley.

nESRE

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yes please

You cheated on him.
But that's not an affair.
You are not married. I don't think it's even a common law marriage since he is at school

Are you guys attempting to continue this as a long distance relationship? Because I think you've already proved that it can't work that way. If there is no way to be together NOW, then I believe this relationship has no hope, and you should end it.

DMH28

I know you have done some reading here on the different threads and see not too many that sugarcoat words.

You are not married and therefore this was not an affair. You did cheat on your BF though. You see YOU are free as a single person to have a relationship and any kind of relationship with anyone you chose.

YOU are not at this time bound by the vows or legal laws of marriage.

What is dating? Nothing more than finding the one we want to marry and take those vows with until "death do us part". A sorting process to "find the one".

I am not a mind reader but coming from the way you describe your BF's POV you are what is highlighted in red---> Tarnished and unpure to him. YOU FLUNKED the marriage test between you and him.

I am assuming your BF thought this was an exlusive relationship between you two. I know for myself when I am in an exclusive relationship that cheating would be a deal breaker for me and I would hit the ground running and not look back.

I have to agree with what Markos wrote. I would either find a way (if your BF is open to it) to be together and not LD or cut your BF free and work on tightening up your boundaries as you said



You see this is really not



This is YOUR problem YOU brought into the relationship. Your BF can not correct YOUR problem or make it go away. YOUR BF can not make YOUR decisions for YOU. YOUR BF can not tighten up YOUR personal boundaries for YOU.

If he chooses to work through it with you is totally up to him and walking away may be the solution that is best for him. Is he bound by vows before God and witnesses or law?

Keep reading and come back here with questions. There is a lot of collective wisdom here if you stick around and learn Dr H's concepts. Whether you will be able to save the R with your Bf or not is questionable. What you may learn for future relationships is priceless and its all free here on the site.

GL

nESRE

Like others said, you cheated, but you did not have an affair as you were not married.

What to learn from this situation?

You fell out of love with your Fiance because your ENs were not being met. They were not met because you were not together...but you were not together because as you are not married yet, you were making decisions independently and living in different places. It is okay to make independent decisions when you are not married. However, those decisions can affect your relationship.

You did not keep a protective boundary around your relationship. By that I mean, at some point you started hanging out with the new person. You got those fluttery feelings and instead of only socializing with people of your same gender, you kept hanging out with that person.

You also learned that it hurt your Fiance when you cheated. Understand that he does not have to forgive you or want to get married. You have shown you do not know how to protect your relationship to him. But you can show him that you have learned what you did wrong and the circumstances that lead to you cheating. You could also tell him that if you continued your relationship how you would prevent that by Making Sure each Others needs are met, being open with passwords/email/whereabouts, POJAing where to live, etc. You could also suggest phone counseling with the Harleys. But you have to let him make his own decision.