My questions here were part of that hard action. I needed to hear people say that regardless of XH's "success" with his new marriage, that it was still wrong. People in my family seem to think that just because it works and makes him happy, it must be okay. Do you see this? Part and parcel of how I grew up was to be "gaslighted" where I had a family telling me who I was and that I was not worthy. For the most part I have been able to counter that.

Even though I have had counseling which helped to boost self-esteem, you know many counselors rarely see things in black and white. I needed to hear that his approaching my family is wrong and that there are no "extenuating circumstances" that make it right.


You're right about that. Partly I asked the question to "settle" the lingering question that >only< comes up when I am depressed. The day I posted I was very exhausted and depressed caring for an injured elderly person for a month -- someone who does not like to "give a hollar" when getting up out of bed and was at risk of falling. Between disturbed sleep, distance from bf (because of the care-taking in another town), and the "rat race" in this city; I was going downhill.

I led a completely enabled (and wealthy) unrealistic life during marriage. During hard times either financially or work wise, this question of wanting my old life back kept coming up. It's one of those things I knew I had to face directly. The first few messages settled it for me. So I agree with saying it should no longer be even a remote question. I don't believe it will come up again because, as you say, statistics don't matter.

He lied or he would not have been able to be emotionally involved with her. It doesn't matter if my family "accepts" it or not -- it is still wrong of him to approach them, no matter what they think. It doesn't matter that I am in a new relationship. It doesn't matter if they want us to "all get along". It is still wrong of him to do that. More to the point, >I< am not wrong for not wanting them to enable his wrongness!!!


I'm sure you're right about that. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I didn't even know about the existence of this site, and no one pointed me to it. I looked for help then (2006), but this never came up. Actually this site came up when I was looking for help with my current relationship and what I read, did help us through a difficult time concurrently with my posts here.


Oh, please know hated vehemently to begin with for several years. I most certainly did the first three years. When he left at first, I launched into a major depression and rage (brief suicide attempt and subsequent counseling) and isolation. Then a brief relationship where I dove into a hobby making new friends and existing in extreme conditions. Which was good for me and improved my health for that period of time.

When I came out of that hobby phase and began to interact with family again, it was THEN that I found out (online) that XH was in contact with my family. I sent emails and texts begging and pleading with them not to give him emotional shelter for his affair.

Their response was that he had been in the family for 30 years and that even though we were no longer together, that was not a reason to not be "nice" to him. My mother is not capable of showing rejection to anyone for any reason, and to keep putting stress on her is to hasten her death at this point, which actually could be any day because of her age and state of health.

I got tired of fighting with them about it - they were not going to change that behavior. I tried to find a way to "live with it" a year ago, which did not help either and since that time have done nothing.

So you have it the facts backward as it happened. I tried to make peace with it (and them) in order to not have this tension with my siblings and parent -- not the other way around. This was well after XH's remarriage.

Any suggestions of actions I should take concerning the "kind" sibling who refuses to lose their "connection" to XH? I've heard an earful about what I should not have done, but not much about what I should do now in terms of my relationship with that sibling.

In the future (should I ever post here again) I would advise all new posters to include an unmistakable timeline if they want to get the correct "advice". It's apparent that the ORDER in which approaches are used makes a difference in the judgments and opinons and advice offered up.

Because it doesn't help to hear "stop doing that" to something you stopped doing a long time ago... That's like telling someone to push on the brakes when they are already stopped at the stoplight.

Thanks very much for your input.

MFF, you are not (by a long shot) the only BS whose WS has managed to run the long odds and stay in a relationship with the AP. It's rare; it's not impossible. You probably know that, instinctively, and cannot be hugely angered at that fact. So the reason behind your ongoing torment (five years) is probably much more related to your sense of abandonment by your own family.

Would that seem fair? If your family members were to today reject WH and his skank, and provide you the types of emotional support and affection that you would expect, could you project that you would be much more willing to (for lack of a better phrase) "let it go"?

We out here have nowhere near enough data to postulate about the reasons behind their actions. We have some hints:
- your depression over your lifetime might have given them the reason to blame you for his actions
- your "withdrawal" from them immediately after the crisis left him with an "empty chair" to present his case for his actions
- your self-expressed "completely enabled and wealthy" lifestyle pre-dissolution may have alienated (another word you used) them from your interests entirely
- if they manifestly take their lead from your conflict-avoiding mother, they would "go along to get along" with the presence of the affairage partners

Certainly there may be other elements to this sad story, but you are the holder of all the plot-lines. We're not. (Seriously, I have detected an element of playing "landmine" in your thread. Posters walk around semi-blind and you yell "Boom" at their missteps!)

I wish my words were more...grounded....my friend, but your problems with your family will best (and only?) be reconciled by frank discussion with...your family.

Lastly, I'd suggest you at least understand that those folks here bear you no ill-will. "Recovery" from infidelity is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. Sometimes the best end-result is not a GREAT end-result, but just the best end-result available. You will reach that "optimal" stasis most easily by having as many posters as possible working with you.

My gosh - that's a definite yes.
It's the feeling that he seems "soooo good" to them, that I must be a very bad person to have him leave me.


You may not have enough data, but you are extremely good at ferreting out ideas and brainstorming from what I see here.

My guess is that it's mostly the latter and a little bit of each of the others.
Dad was a harsh and sometimes mean guy and except for me (and even me sometimes), all had learned avoidance early in life. I left home via a quick marriage at 16 (different one - lasted two years). XH was also a person avoidant of conflict: ie. He would listen to complaints and problems but never much input or disagreement. Until right at the very end when he was already involved with OW.

Agreed on the empty chair/podium. I did not deliberately withdraw - I was busy learning how to drive again, shovel snow, handle money, cook and take care of myself... Before that I was a caged bird in a glass cage. Freedom felt good at first because I didn't think it would last. But like a parakeet in the wild in Alaska, the harshness of the outside world was a shock.


I'm sorry for that - I have a button around the use of the word "fake" especially the way it was applied and having extrapolated the mindset of the person using it, it hurt. Even though I know it's no use on an internet forum to try to disuade them from hurtful language and labels, I succumb sometimes. It always only leads to more backlash and I should know that. I should have just ignored it.


As to the first, yes I have had those discussions. Except for the one sibling that has really said objectionable things to almost everyone in the family on unrelated matters. He's mentally ill and I feel sorry for him. But I need not continue contact with him.

To the last, yes you are right. I came in here from a "safe" harbor, so to speak, and don't have real good tools (yet) to deal with those who have a good/evil mindset. I generally avoid them in real life, just like my family I suppose.

Thanks for your input.