This is for NewEveryDay, and anyone else who is or has been in relationships involving a significant age difference.

NewEveryDay, I noticed that you, in your 30�s, were married to someone in his 50�s. I was recently introduced by a friend to a woman who is attracted to older men; she told me she�s bored with guys her own age and likes guys who have more life experience. She�s in her 30�s, I�m in my 50�s, she�s ok with the age difference, we�ve been on a few dates and seem to get along very well. Initially, I struggled with the age difference, never even thinking I�d be interested in someone that much younger. But she seems very mature for her age, and I�m gradually getting used to the idea.

Since meeting this woman, I�ve talked with several people I know in relationships with age differences of 10 years up to 24 years, and they all say age difference is not an issue; it�s how well you connect and respect each other.

One issue that is bound to come up is having children. Even though I'm in my 50's, if I married a woman who wanted children, I would be ok with having more. The woman I'm seeing has told me that at this point in her life she doesn't want children.

I was wondering if you could offer some advice on how to approach a relationship with someone much younger than I am. Thanks!

Interesting question! My then-H never had kids, and was ready to start a family, so that wasn't an issue. I think that what Dr. H says about having the same energy levels is really important to keep in mind. We were both up to the taking the kids to sports practice and all, so that worked. You mentioned being a runner, so it would be important to make sure your friend is high-energy, too.

I think for us where the age difference was a problem is that I wasn't mature. Well, neither one of us were, We both had a ton of LBs. So I would ask her about that, and observe her, how does she handle it when things don't go her way? Is she willing to try thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, brainstorming? Is she willing to work with you to make sure negotiation is pleasant and not a chore?

The other problem was that my family really didn't like my ex for a long time, which added stress. You'll find that out in time.

There were benefits, too, though. It's fun going places with someone who hasn't been there before, experiencing it through their eyes. And my then-H had a lot of experiences to share he wouldn't have had if we were the same age. Our parents were in different generations, so we weren't struggling to care for both sets at the same time.

My husband is 13 months younger than me and he tells people "you know, she is a cougar, don't you?"

I'm not NED, nor have I been in a relationship with a big age difference (my W is 18 months older, a cougar ;)), but I've seen my uncle age with a wife who is 16 years younger, and it hasn't been pretty.

Now, the first thing I'll say is that everyone is different, I've seen 50 yo folks who seemed "younger" than 30 yo's.

Having said that, I think the assessment of 50 vs 30 is not all that relevant - both people should still be in the prime of life, so the age difference may not be notable.

I'd think more of a relationship between a 50 yo and a 75 yo. Maybe it's just me, but I'd have a hard time with that, on either end, frankly. If I were the "young" one, I'd feel like I am taking care of my mom; if I were the older one, I'd be worrying about a bunch of 40-50 yo guys checking out my wife while I was walking around with a walker (I know I am being dramatic, but I am seeing this with my uncle who is 83 while his W is in her 60's and full of energy).

Again, everyone is different, but I know that I once got "winked" at on Match by a 72 yo woman when I was 46, and I did not like it one bit, I was not ready to date a grandma (no offense).

AGG

Ahhhh....my suspicions are finally confirmed.

... hangs head in shame...

Regardless of how old you are, guys could still end up checking out your wife when she's in her 60's. If that's something that would worry you, maybe that would provide incentive to follow an extremely healthy lifestyle so that you wouldn't be using a walker in your 80's. I was at a triathlon a few weeks ago where there were two 83-year olds competing. Everyone else's sentiment was, "I want to be that healthy when I'm 83. You can't always avoid things such as strokes or cancer, but you can take steps now to increase your odds of being healthy well into your 90's, should you live that long. For those interested, a book along those lines that I recommend to athletes I coach is Younger Next Year.

I just happen to believe that the closer the couple is matched, the better. That includes energy level, interests, intellect, etc, and yes, age.

There are numerous differences between folks who are a generation apart, which IMO would complicate a marriage. Not saying it can't be done, it's just one more thing to deal with.

It's interesting for me to see how many guys in their 50's are looking for gals in their 20's - my sister is doing online dating and she said it seems like half the guys in their 50's are looking for someone their daughter's age. Funny that I don't see many 50 yo guys looking for 75 yo women, I wonder why that is.

AGG

And then you have 20 something guys who chase 40 yr old women. When I was divorced at age 41 <?>, I was asked out by a couple of young men. I would have never gone out with such a young man, but I do know women that married these young men. They weren't very successful marriages either.

Oddly enough, many women in their 50s would prefer men neither younger nor older than their actual age but spot on.
Guess a women in her 30s who hooked up with a guy in his 50s would be okay with it until she was in her 50s and saw her youth behind her and her elderly years ahead of her.

(Guess my input isn't too helpful but I felt moved to add it).

x 2

The young ones are nice to look at but they usually ruin it when they open their mouths. If there that's big of an age gap, it's usually some guy looking for a Sugar Momma or Cougartown...very unlikely to end up being marriage material.

Things have been going well with the younger woman I met a couple months ago, and we're finding a lot of compatibility as measured against the five tests in Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders.

In the first few weeks of knowing her, I was a little hung up about the age difference between us, but I've since gotten used to it and rarely think about it anymore. A question occurred to me a few days ago regarding age difference and emotional needs, and I thought I'd throw it out to the group.

R has invited me to her family's home for Thanksgiving. I'm happy she wants to introduce me to her family, but also a little reluctant wondering what her parents will think of a guy 20 years older hitting on their daughter. She said she has dated older guys before and introduced them to her parents; some they've liked and some they haven't. Since her teenage years, she has been telling her parents that she wants to meet someone older to have a relationship with, and according to R, they're comfortable with the idea. She's told them about me and how well we get along, and they're apparently looking forward to meeting me.

We haven't touched on the topic of emotional needs yet, but her dating history shows that she actively pursues older guys, and I wonder if one of her needs is an older relationship partner. Has anyone had that as an emotional need or know of someone who does?

I think there's a tendency to throw things we "want" in the category of emotional needs. I "need" a younger person. I "need" a guy/girl without kids. I "need"... fill in the blank. Those are not needs, they are wants. They can even be boundaries but they are not emotional needs. Your emotional needs in the context of MB is the 10 listed by Dr. Harley in His Needs, Her Needs, the four most important for building and maintaining romantic love being affection, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship and conversation.

Best way I can explain it is ENs are those things that fill your LB or even the glue that holds builds and holds a relationship together. Things like age, whether or not your potential partner has kids or many other things along those lines make no LB deposits just as their lack make no LB withdrawls. You will never feel the lack of a older spouse the way you would the lack of sexual fulfillment in a marriage for example. That is not to say those things are not important to you in the context of finding a suitable spouse for you, just that they are your filter or boundary.

I Think you should call the radio show and ask about marriage compatibility with such an age difference.

I've thought of that (tccoastguard's comments), and I agree that age is not in the same category as the four Intimate Emotional Needs. It could, however, be in the same category as say, the need for financial support or an attractive spouse. Some women want a guy who makes a lot of money; some guys want an attractive woman. Some people might argue that those are superficial needs; that they're more wants than needs. Buy who am I to judge? If they have those needs, then they should absolutely use them to filter out potential relationship partners.

I think Dr. Harley's 10 emotional needs are ones he has found to be common in a lot of relationships, but he recognizes that there may be other needs. In fact, in the instructions for ranking needs in the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, he writes

I think it's a possible that a woman could feel more secure with an older relationship partner, and maybe she perceives that as a need of hers. I'm just wondering if any one on this forum has that need or has come across someone who does.

Here's a show about age differences.

Radio clip on age difference

Here's another one.
Dr Harley thinks its okay for men to have younger wives but not vice versa.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3379#

So go for it!

Thanks BrainHurts & HDW. Interesting radio clips.

Based on what Dr. Harley said in HDW's clip about older-woman-younger-man relationships, if I was the younger man, I would want an older woman who is very involved in fitness and health and not so concerned with looking pretty.

The nice thing about the woman I'm seeing is that she's that way too (loves exercise, hardly ever wears make-up), and she likes the fact that I'm attracted to that.

One thing I came away with from BrainHurts' clip is the example of an older husband not respecting his younger wife. In Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders, Dr. Harley says this can be a problem in relationships with mismatched intelligence levels, and I can see how this could potentially be a problem in age-different relationships as well. It's good to be aware of that. Thanks!