Not necessarily. Prior to getting married my then bf (now exWH) was a reservist and went through military training for extended periods of time. We were in love with each other during those separations. If anything it brought us closer and more in love.

Hi NewEveryDay, I have a question for you that's unrelated to this thread. Since I don't know how to send private messages (I tried but it said they were disabled), I'll post on a new thread titled "Age Difference" on the Dating and Relationships forum.

'Expect' can change though. I don't expect to remarry any time soon but it could happen. Same goes for sex or anything else. I do not go on a date with a man and have a lot of expectations. If we continue to date, my expectations would change. Sex may or may not happen down the road.

I totally understand, and I think it's something great to aspire to, for all the reasons listed, and I could think of others, too. Like then you'd know the person is great at delayed gratification. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a single-issue voter.

I think there's a broad spectrum, with a majority who sleep around, a small but significant number who wait until they are in a long-term relationship, where I would fall, and then a tiny number of fully abstinent folkss. I didn't get all the way to 30 folks dating, but even all the guys I did meet, not a one mentioned being abstinent until marriage. I don't know, maybe there are some adult abstinent groups I don't know about, but like I said I don't know if that's the same subset that would be the best match for every individual. Like cutting smokers or one party would cut maybe 30 to 70 percent, but a fully abstinent requirement would cut I think more like 98%. I was lucky enough to find someone who didn't push to move in together, but that's the norm here.

markos, I agree with you that we live in a dual-culture country. Dr. H made his point when he talked about going to their high school reunion, and he and Joyce were almost the only ones still married. I know my then-H and I got along best when we moved to the Midwest, and had problems again when we moved back here. But that doesn't mean folks are doomed to failure here, we can apply what works from the good-marriage culture.

I think it goes back to what black_raven is saying about setting folks up for success as best as we can.

But divorce and adultery are epidemic in military marriages and traveling jobs. It is because their love fades.

kerala, I think you interpreted what I wrote in the wrong light. Usually, the words moral, morally or morality when used, mean beliefs from Christian teachings - not simply spirituality or some kind or goodness or something else. So, I don't know how to explain it from whatever belief system you are coming from. So, no need to take offense.

To answer your question, I was not a virgin when I married. I put my own selfish will and desires over my moral beliefs. I see so much more reason to abstain now. It is subjective and each and every individual's choice. For me, I feel it was wrong, and hope I have the strength to choose differently next time.

I disagree its 98% who sleep around. It's not a majority for sure, but there are many people who do believe in abstinence. As far as that subset not being the best match for every individual, that subset would be the best match if they all believed in abstinence... for that reason. It would be the OTHER subset that would not be the best subset.

But again, the whole point is to find the best match, so eliminating 99.9% is the goal. I am looking for Mr 1%!

I agree. I never said it wasn't.


As for military...maybe but not always. Lonliness doesn't mean love has to fade. It is a difficult lifestyle and takes a toll on marriages/families.

Traveling jobs...that is a lifestyle choice too but I don't see it the same as the military. A traveling job is 100% voluntary. The military may be voluntary in terms of you don't have to join but once you are in, you have no choice when they separate you from spouse/family until your contract is over. National defense out ways a paycheck to me.

ExWH was not a cheater during those years and we managed to stay in love despite the separations.

But it does fade and the reason is because if you are not meeting ENs on a daily basis, you can't maintain romantic love.


BUT, the effect is the same, voluntary or not. They fall out of love.


If you have a method of staying in love while separated, please contact Dr Harley and let him know how it is done.. He has been asking for such a case study now for 3-4 years so he can study how the couple did this and help other military couples. He has yet to come up with a single couple who were able to sustain the romantic love while apart. Not one has volunteered to be tested.

I lived it, so I know it is possible.


We will agree to disagree then. People can cheat on spouses they still love.


I started a thread way back when...it got eaten in the 2009 Forum Wipeout. The thread was put in the Notable Threads (or whatever it is called at the top of the Forum). The Military Marriage Forum then came to be...not because of me/my thread but that's about the timeframe when there were a number or current/former military or military spouses on the board. I think Dr H may have even posted in it and I did explain what then-H and I did during his deployments. My H never had a deployment that lasted beyond six months but he was deployed often but never for years. We also did not have children then. Maybe makes a difference...idk.

Then I would encourage you to contact Dr Harley and tell him how you did it. He will want to conduct studies, of course.


We will agree to disagree then. People can cheat on spouses they still love. [/quote]

The divorce rate amongst all traveling jobs, whether they are military or not is the same. It doesn't matter why they are traveling, the effect is the same. The key similarity is the fact that the couples are not together every day. So it doesn't matter WHY, what matters is that they are apart.


Did you contact Dr Harley as he requested? Dr Harley is not going to believe anyone unless they contact him and allow him to study them. As he stated, lots of people said they did it, but NOT ONE stepped forward to allow him to test them.

Agreed. I was only saying that *I* have much more understanding (not sure if that's the right word) for a military deployment than a traveling job, not that the effects can't end up being the same. Gone is gone.


I have never contacted Dr H. I don't recall if his post (and I'm not 100% certain he did post but I'm pretty sure he did) asked to contact him or what it said...it was three yrs ago. Since the thread is gone, I don't know what was said/asked.

I gotcha!

Yes, he did post and asked readers to contact him directly if they had successfully sustained the romantic love in their marriage despite a traveling job. He wants to study the couple to find out how they did it. He has been working with the military to find solutions.

Is there an email to contact him?

Not sure if I'd qualify since my exWH isn't exactly going to contribute info.

Here's the link.
Radio clip of KeepLearning's question

Back to dating in this day and age...

One thing I do - When a man tells me he is divorced, I verify that he is ACTUALLY divorced. I check the online county family law/civil records.

Thanks for posting, BH.

The man who insisted on sex on the first date or there would be not be second date...he'd be SOL with me and there would be no second date. That his future wife slept with him ESPECIALLY after that comment...well

I would really encourage everyone following this to listen to the clip......Thanks BH

Interesting Dr H make the statement 3X's in the segment that sex before M is a trial run much the same as living together before M.

Although he has statistics from studies on living together too bad there are none for sex before M.

Also from his own practice saw much less sex problems from couples who abstained before M.

For me the good Dr knows a little how the human brain ticks and his words (even though not facts) may prevent the brain scrambeling and missing red flags with a partner if having sex before M.

Words of good advice in preventing problems down the road.

nESRE

Thanks BrainHurts, I knew you'd come through!! You're 100% reliable!

What's your take on the ongoing discussion? I'd like to hear your views on the topics being discussed here.

I agree with your sentiment. I cringe when I hear stories like that. That guy makes the rest of us in the male half of the population look bad.