Have you gotten legal and financial advice to prepare for a separation? You must be entitled to support?

If he thinks he can buy his way out of this, you're toast.

Its one of the reasons Plan B is sometimes successful. The BS learns how to get all needs filled on her own (like FS) but the WS is left without needs he's taken for granted.

The BS has nothing to lose by trying it because she isn't getting the proper needs met anyway.

I don't think I would get any financial support. He truly has NO money. About a year ago the company H owns almost went belly up. We talked to an attorney about bankruptcy (really wasn't something we wanted to do). H talked to creditors and came up w/ plans to payoff over the next several years. Every dime he makes goes back into the company to pay current and bad debts. (Here is an example of one of the things that happened recently: 2 men had to go to the emergency room on 1 day. Both for stiches - one on finger, one on face. I don't want this to appear that H has unsafe buisness practices...in 20 plus years of buisness he has had only 6 emergencies such as this. Something devastating happens on a weekly basis. Here is another example: H ordered concrete for a rural project. Redi-mix company soon told him they wouldn't be able to deliver the concrete after all. Said they would "work it out". H gets a call hours later that the concrete is at the site and had been for a long time. $3000 (for concrete and pump truck) that had been churning for hours and no way to get it laid. We had to pay for it anyway!) It just seems like lack of $$ has hurt our relationship very much. Sorry bout the long winded whining!

Do I have to get legal and financial advise for a seperation? Can't I just tell him to "get out"? I pay all the household bills right now cept for electricity.

I'm confused. You said you couldn't afford to live alone? But you're the breadwinner?

Has he genuinely been that unlucky or is he financially unfaithful too and just has lots of stories about where the money goes?

I do believe I am. I am so scared to think of being on my own, all alone! I have "let" him be a workaholic cuz it seemed like the only answer to our financial problems. Any and all debts that occured after marriage are legaly shared debt as far as I know. I don't know of anyone who could be our mediator.

I suppose every BS has stories of the WS's sorrow and apologies. I would like to share mine. DDay (pornography - earlier this month) I told him to leave. He slept in his pickup in the yard that night. The next morning he asked if he could use the shower and get a few things. I said yes. We talked a bit. He started to break down when he said he could hear me crying but at least he knew I was still alive.

I have printed the RE Inventory list...hope we can both answer it tonight. We are driving across the state together this weekend. 6.5 hours one way. Hope to discuss many things and get answers.

I do his books (all checking acccounts, loans, credit cards). I know what cash is taken out and can track where it is spent.
I have the receipts for the emergency bills and the bill for the concrete that got dumped.

If I kept the house I could do it. I had always (before MB) thought I should be the one to move. We live on an a farm (where all company equipment is stored). H would have to have access to it.

I would get legal advice anyway. Lots of lawyers offer a free half hour. You want to make it as hard as possible for him in Plan B and as easy for you so check out your options.

I would say its very possible for you to kick him out, change the locks and not let him home till he's offering a proper marriage.

What are your snooping tools like? I am just very wary about a wayward who's been unrepentant this long and hasnt affair proofed the marriage.

When you say snooping tools, is this what you ae refuring to?

Keylogger on computer. He can erase history, use inprivate, etc..., so install a keylogger to catch everything he types. Install software on his phone to see what texts are saying back and forth, any e-mails he sends. Those can all be deleted. Have you checked the cell phone bill? Any numbers stand out as too much communication? Especially numbers early in the morning, late at night, and when you are not around - but, basically anytime! Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under the seat (attach with velcro) or somewhere in his car to ascertain who is talking to.

lol he is terribly technology handicaped. But I dont know what a keylogger is either?? He doesn't know how to erase history (that's how i caught him w/ the porn). He doesn't know how to text. I have access to cell phone bills. He only has a business email account -which I have access to - and I respond to all emails for him when he asks me to.

Here you go.

Keylogger Programs

It has been almost a month since I have been here. I don't know if I have the emotional/mental/physical strength to carry on a conversation here?? I got sick, took all my strength just to get to work and back home. Maybe do to stress?? H tryed to meet needs during that time. Back rubs, fixing supper and encouraging me to eat. I felt really "checked out" during that time and certainly did not meet any of his EN. Before I got sick we read HNHN and several pages of LB. Also filled out some of the forms from "5". We took 2 mini (24 hour) vacations. Had a great time. Then a big LB hit. We were enjoying a rare supper together and guess who showes up to the door? The sheriff who is serving papers because the local lumber company is sueing us. I know that H owes much debt. This particular lumber company seemed to be willing to work with my husband with this debt (as has other debtors). This came out of the blue. To make it worse MY NAME is on the lawsuit. From what I have learned since, an debts while married are joint debts. This week H has spent so much time working to 1)finish jobs before winter hits and 2) make some more money to pay bills that our UA time has suffered terribly. I feel even more "checked out" and so depressed. Neither one of us knows what to do (and I am talking about right now today!!) work on UA time or FS.

So he has been lying to you the whole time about the finances?

Falsely leaving you under the impression that you were informed?



He's a liar. If RH isn't in place you've been having a false recovery. Don't assume you know everything now, either.

If he's a liar, he's basically still wayward and operates under the 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' policy

No indiegirl

We both know his finances have been in a bad state. What came out of the blue is we understood that this lumber company was willing to work w/ us to pay off the debt.
[quote=19kl83
I know that H owes much debt. This particular lumber company seemed to be willing to work with my husband with this debt (as has other debtors). This came out of the blue.



edit***sorry i just cant seeem to make the quote thing work.

what is RH

There has acctually been times that i have been so overwhelmed bout his (sorry, I hate to call it ours because i dont think it is my fault) finacial state that i have begged him not to burden me about it. Not just finances either but things like the load of concrete being dumped. I actually was so upset the night that he told me about that, that i left the house for several hours. He has expressed great hurt over my leaving (he felt like,and he was correct, that nothing could be relsoved by my leaving).

please, people

dont jump to conclusions...i am trying so hard to put all this in print...not enough time to get all the details down in one post.

He has not been lying to me. I see all his transactions do all his books including monthly state and federal forms. Track cash purchses as well

RH is radical honesty. One of the four key recovery conditions. He must reveal all things to you and vice versa. You must encourage RH.

If he has been RH, then debt is undoable but falling out of love is not.

Put UA time first and POJA a repayment plan that is realistic and with enough time for UA.

Without UA time you're looking at adding divorce debt on too.

I'm sure the creditors would prefer a realistic payment plan where they get regular payments. Not a bit more upfront and then nothing because the repayments were unrealistic

H spends almost none of the construction income (his income) on himself. The only thing he buys himself regularly is MtDew. Sometime a sandwich at Mickey D's.

Any money from the construction buisness goes back into the business (incl to pay bad debt from 2 years ago).

The only jobs he has right now are 2-3 hours away from home. He comes home every night so I wont have to be alone but that is costing a lot for fuel. In other words, up to 6 hours on the road and 6 hours working on the job.

Some good reads.
The Policy of Radical Honesty
The Rule of Honesty

We thought we has a realistic plan for them. But now we have a lawsuit so who knows what the judge will say. We will prolly loose everything...house, farm, construction equipment and tools...then H will have no way to make a living (piss pour living it has been)