Just an update. Didn�t realize how long it had been since I posted to my own thread.

To recap:
I was married to an alcoholic wayward who kept going back to �Baldo�-the neighbor just down the road.
Stumbled around here for 3 years or so. Totally engulfed in all the ongoing drama of living with an active alcoholic/WW. Also started going to Al-Anon. Finally officially exposed her A in feb2010 with hand written letters to all who I thought could help or influence. The situation went from ugly to worse. DD and I moved out for 5 months. I was in plan B but DD kept contact. DD moved back to the M home because she �missed her friends�. I went back one week later and walked right back into the middle of what I left. WW kept drinking and seeing Baldo. Filed for D in sept 2010. Drug the D out about as long as I could. Tried to give WW a chance to sober up and quit the A. For the last several months lived detached from the WW in the same house. No chance that R was going to happen as long as she was drinking. D final in May 2011.
XWW is still drinking. Got a felony DUI, lost her good paying job and is still seeing Baldo buts its now OK since she is D�d. OK�.

Ds and Dd say they can�t stand to be around her because all she does is b ! tch about me. Still to this day. I have had no contact with her since early nov2011 when I had to transfer a car title over and wanted to make sure it was totally out of my name and paid off.


I took a voluntary lay off from work Jan/feb. Went fishing for 3 weeks straight and no I did not get sick of it because I caught fish every day. It was nice to give fish away to my family and elderly people who really enjoy them. Even got my Dad to the fish house twice since I could park about 5 feet away from the door. He is 80 now and it was nice to have a good time with him.

ADD-->Started going out with Ruby August 1.

Went to Uganda in feb 2012 w/Ruby. The plan was to visit/tour somewhat/orphanage/life and then travel back with Rubys friend who was supposed to be performing business for the orphanage. We stayed with a pastor (orphanages director) at his house for 8 days in one of the largest slums in the country-Natetee which is on the edge of the capital city of Campalla. The country terrain is extremely beautiful with rolling hills and picturesque landscape. Natetee where we stayed was poverty stricken, filthy and ugly. New government in 2006. That is a whole other subject. We took about 900 pictures between the 2 of us.

It did not take either of us long to know the situation in the house there was not right. There was big time friction going on within the house. We did not have the truth of the story while there but the pieces made sense and the truth came out after we were back. We made the best of the trip and our time together. I won�t go into details but certain people could come here and post. We will just leave it at that.

Ruby and I got along very well on the trip. This was the first time we really were with each other pretty much 24/7. At home here we live 65 miles apart so getting together during the week is hard to do.

DD now 19 is still living with XWW. She has taken some wrong turns and got herself into trouble with the law back in Oct 2011. This first time she received a slap on the wrists. Just like her old man she is a hard learner. She got into trouble again in May 2012. This time is bigger and there is no defense. The �fixer� in me wants to try and rescue. I know that is not in my or her best interest. She needs to work through the consequences on her own and learn the lessons first hand. My �NO� and �I am not willing to do that for you� are very strong at this point. If I rob her of her experience and try to alter her story then I have sinned. Consequences and letting her decide her best course are best at this point.

1st year D anniversary came and went. Thought it would be tough but when I sat down and really thought about it I received exactly what the purpose of the MB�s plans try to achieve when followed. Implementing other suggestions from the few posters who followed me helped immensely even when off the MB�s track. Thank you!

Personal recovery. No more head spinning and endless drama that never seems to end because a new day brings a new crisis. Thank you MB's!

What comes to mind now is peaceful thoughts and very little drama. Took a while to get here. The 2 cats don�t give me too much crap- except in the box. Work has been good. Financially for now I am stable. The R with Ruby is good although I feel the need to date some other woman.

On another thread in the dating after D forum one of the posters said they wish the person they were seeing would screw up so they had a reason to break up and date someone else. I feel that way since Ruby is the first person I dated after the D was final. She is a good christian woman with strong morals and very good boundaries. We meet each others needs very well except for SF and we are short on UA time with distance. We are not going further with SF based on our commitment to what the Bible says.

The question I have is am I only staying with her as she is the first I have dated and the first woman who treats me very good?

We both would need to alter our lives drastically to take this relationship further. At our ages and where we are at with our careers neither of us wants to commute. She has a very nice home already and does not appear to want to give it up nor have we seriously discussed it. One of us would have to sacrifice to make this work now.

I feel like I am stuck as a renter right now and willing to give no more. Ruby is not pushing for anything more right now although there is a lot of alone time between seeing each other right now.

I have read about the contrast affect and dating 30 people. I don�t want to loose a good relationship and risk loosing her forever but also I am not sure about turning into a buyer with my very first relationship since D either.

Any thoughts would be welcome. Does what I talked about above make a difference because of our ages and where we are at with work commitments? It is not like either of us can start over and make a fairly sucessful career at this point as our ages are age 53/55. Nor do either of us want to drive 2 1/2 hours every day. Does the contrast affect make a difference with age or do the choices become more limited? Also at our ages good partners appear t be hard to come by. Most of us get very set in our ways.

Maybe this should be posted in the dating after D forum?

nESRE

Contrast effect... hmmm...

Well.


If you were previously married to an alligator with Aids, all the next person has to do to be better than the previous is not try to eat you, and not give you Aids.

That would be contrast.

You haven't been divorced for very long, and you have the integrity to maintain your relationship based on your beliefs... and both of you hold to that.

That's a pretty good sign, IMO.


Is there any rush?


Also, you have yourself in a spot where you can practice a foundational MB principal; Radical Honesty.


Be Radically Honest - tell her your thoughts; I care for you, but I would like to date other people (of course this is simplified).


Truth be told, ending any relationship is never going to be easy. No matter if it's the first person you have dated since divorcing, or the 10th. You are giving something up that has brought you joy.

Maintain your integrity, sir.

Quote:If you were previously married to an alligator with Aids, all the next person has to do to be better than the previous is not try to eat you, and not give you Aids.

That would be contrast.

Quote:You haven't been divorced for very long, and you have the integrity to maintain your relationship based on your beliefs... and both of you hold to that.

That's a pretty good sign, IMO.


Is there any rush?

Quote:Truth be told, ending any relationship is never going to be easy. No matter if it's the first person you have dated since divorcing, or the 10th. You are giving something up that has brought you joy.

Quote:Maintain your integrity, sir.

How do you feel about Ruby? Do you still contact her as a friend? Or did you decide no contact was best.

Regarding your question, I'm sort of like you in not knowing how to implement the date-30-people rule. A few thoughts I've had about that:

I have a hard time casually dating several different people. When I meet someone I like, I enjoy exploring the relationship.

If you're like me, I'm sure you have 2nd thoughts about Ruby. She sounds like a fine woman. If I were in your shoes, I'd start dating soon to find out what's out there and how they compare to Ruby.