hello all,
my situation is pretty standard, my WH seemed very withdrawn for the past few months and I started withdrawing too. Then he gave me ILYB talk a month ago, then I found out he's been having an affair with a family friend for several months. He is very involved and doesn't want to cut her loose. We have two kids D10 and D7. I was caught completely by surprise. I work weekends and he used to take the kids to the beach with her and her two kids.
I asked him to give us a chance and work it out but he said there is absolutely no point as he has no feelings for me anymore. Apparently he has been so unhappy for several years.
He is abroad at the moment and I spoke with my daughter and she asked me if daddy is in love with this woman and I confirmed. He went nuts when my daughter cried to him over the phone and said that I am a terrible mother and have been thinking only about myself (rather than lying to my kids) My daughter told me she saw daddy very happy with OW and touching her. She also asked him not to go out with her anymore and he replied that they are just friends.

He sees her at kids' college and then at work. There is no way to cut contact with her 100% unless we move elsewhere.
My question is this: he doesn't want to move out from our house, I decided to move out with the kids and let him do whatever he wants. Do I still do his cooking, cleaning and clothes washing while he is living in this house with us? Or do I ignore him completely? I will need to stay here for another three weeks ( OF HELL!!!) then will move. He wants to pretend to have a happy family and see OW whenever he likes...
This has been the worse time in my life, I am emotionally better now even though cannot eat ( but sleep better) will be taking anti depressants next week to get through this extremely exhausting time.
Thanks for all your input in advance.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, cz. I'm sorry you've had to find us, but you've come to the right place.

Have you read the basic concepts on this site?

There is a very strategic plan that we offer to betrayed spouses that will give them the best shot at saving their marriage. That plan begins with exposing the affair to everyone who is in a position to influence the adulterers to end the affair; parents, employers, friends, etc. Have you exposed this affair to everyone in their circles? Is the OW married? Have you exposed the affair to her husband? How about Facebook? Are they both on that site? Can you see OW's Facebook page?

They work together? One of them is going to have to leave that job. Killing the affair will be impossible if they continue to work together. And it is not unusual for the surviving family to have to move away in order to save the marriage. Don't exclude the possibility that you will have to move away.

Please do NOT leave your home. If anyone leaves, it needs to be your WH. You and your children have done nothing to deserve having to leave your home. Tell him that he'll need to leave if he wishes to continue the affair.

What articles have you read on this site? Start with this: Surviving Infidelity

Have you read about Plan A? Read about it here.

Also, get the book "Surviving an Affair" by the owner of this site, Dr. Harley. You can order it at Amazon.com or on the bookstore on this site.

Snooping is something else you'll need to get going on, if you haven't done so already. Can you get his cell phone and slap some spyware on it?

I'll stop there for now because I don't want to overwhelm you, except to say: this site has many resources that can help you. Do not tell your WH about this site. You don't want him to know about those resources.

Read. Ask questions. We'll help you.

Hi czarne, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

I would not suggest moving out. Rather, I would expose the affair wide and far using the techniques outlined on the thread in my signature.

You should demand that your husband end his affair and ask him to move out of your home. If he won't move out, then get a legal separation/divorce to get him out. Since he is having the affair, he should be the one to move out.

But please go read my exposure thread now and come back and lets talk.

I highly second (and third) everything recommended so far. I did not do the full exposure (for fear that it would anger my WH and also because I didn't want to feel embarrassed and humiliated in front of everyone I knew and "air our dirty laundry") and I regret that now, two years later, because even though he came back and our marriage "recovered", I cannot help but feel like he got away with a great injustice to me.
I think it is critical at this time to follow every step that MB recommends to the T, even if it doesn't intuitively feel right. Dr Harley has made it his business to save marriages like yours and has seen hundreds and thousands of cases - we all walk into it completely unprepared and do not have any point of reference other than what we are experiencing (which often hits us out of nowhere). It is easy to make costly mistakes.

Read everything in the books and follow the steps for the best outcome, regardless of how everything will end.

Thank you so much for your comments.

I am afraid I have to move out otherwise I will not be able to afford the rent. We live in a very expensive private development where you can move only by car. There is literally nothing around. I want to move with my girls next to their college so that I don't need the car and have all shops etc close by and the rent is 40 % of what I am paying now. I also do not need 300 sqf. (hate cleaning!!!)
I have read entire website for the past four days, tons of info to digest and yes, I am familar with plan A. Initially I thought I would have an easy ride with it as when confronted he said he will work on us, then he changed his mind twice again. This is very tiring to keep track of what he wants and try to adjust each and every time. I also went abroad last week and have not seen him in two weeks. When I was away he used to leave our girls with OW and spent with her entire week when I was away. When I came back ( did not see him only spoke on the phone as our trips overlapped) he decided that he doesn't want to try again.
I am financially independent and do not need him for any support apart contact with the kids. I am going to see a solicitor on Tue. I am in a foreign country ( his country) that I moved to FOR HIM and need to find out if I have a right to take my family back to the UK.
Did not think that I can get a solicitor involved to force him to move out (thank you for the idea). I just want it to be as painless on my kids as possible.

At this stage I do not want to live with him anymore. I understand that the procedure is for him to finish R with OW, but I am convinced he won't be able to. Also what's the point if his withrawal will last forever, as he will continue seeing her daily (either at school or at work).
Need to read exposure 101 and will be back, many, many thanks!

Do they work together?

forgot to add that I have exposed the affair to friends, my family but not his. Will call his sister tonight and speak with her. OW doesn;t have a husband, she has two kids from two different relationships and countless loves stories in between. Do I expose it in kids; college to other mothers too? I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that but if this is going to help, then so be it.
I went to speak with headmaster regarding our separation as my kids went to school unprepared for several days in a row and I was worried the teacher might see it as neglect on my part. So I explained that we are going through a very rough time and I simply do not have a head to do biology etc, but I promise will do my best to work on that. My H went crazy that I go around and talk about it to everybody. I know he wants to keep it a secret, but I have no intention to.

Yes, they both in MLM company and she is in his downline, so they see each other all the time (daily or twice daily)

I would expose it to his ENTIRE family, the workplace, and the OW's family. [does the OW have a facebook page?] How is your husband connected to your children's college? I am confused about that connection.

I would do this all at the same time. Trickle exposures are very ineffective. It should be a tsunami.

Did you read the thread in my signature?

So she works for him at the same company? Is it a school? How is the OW connected to your kids college?

How old are your kids? When you move are you taking the kids with you?

Kids are D10 and D7, OW doesn't work she inherited hell of a lot of money so she spends her time taking part in kid's college activities, parent's board etc. My husband takes kids to and from school ( which I can do to, so this would cut her out a bit) so they see each other there and talk about their Multilevel marketing business ( he is a bit brainwashed, but I have tolerated it till now).
However my biggest concern is that he will continue cheating behind my back and keep seeing her in secret. He works with private clients and has irregular work days, I cannot be tracking him down every half an hour. I would hate that.

I am sorry you find yourself in this position. It will be the worst thing that ever happens in your life. MB provides the best information about developing a plan to end the affair and recover the marriage.

Expose this affair to everyone, especially his family and work. Also, even if you might be uncomfortable, definitely expose to all the moms at kid's college. These women need to be aware of this woman's affairs with different men, to include married men.

Exposure is the most potent weapon in ending affairs.

Do you want to recover your marriage or do you want to divorce your husband? At this point, you are largely in charge of what happens.

AM

If you decide to recover the marriage, you will need to move. You are right. You will not want to be wondering what your H is doing all day.

AM

The MB plan is that you expose the affair wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will either kill it immediately or hasten its death. While it crumbles, you would separate and go into Plan B. Before you do this, you would send your H what we call a Plan B letter. In that letter you would give him a list of conditions that he would have to meet in order to reconcile. In those conditions, we would help you set up your marriage in a way that he couldn't cheat anymore. He would have to agree to change his lifestyle in a way where he couldn't cheat. Instead of tracking him every hour, he would be so transparent that you wouldn't need to track him.

We have a step by step process so if you stick with us, we can walk you through step by step. And if your husband does not end his affair and change his lifestyle then you are in the best position to move to divorce.


I would expose her to the board. Others at the school need to know their husbands are not safe around this skank.

his mum in in her late 70, divorced his father and lives in Latin America. There is a slight language barrier as Spanish is my fourth language so you can imagine it's not perfect, but will try and call her. I feel horrible worrying her...
Or I can always call his sister and ask her to call his mum?

Did you read my thread to get talking points? PLEASE do this carefully and strategically so you get the best effect.

Call the mother, call the sister, call them ALL. Ask them to speak to your husband and ask him to end his affair.

Did you read my thread thoroughly?

yes I have read the thread entirely, I understand that it has to be a tsunami or hurricane effect? I don't know her FB page, don't know many people around here either. I am in a foreign country, all my life was left behind in the UK.

I just found his secret email account and there are at least 20 very private love letters describing their feelings and love making .... I went to vomit.
I am not sure if I want to fight for him anymore. Maybe he should move in with her and let the nature of affair take its course?
He seems so hooked, he never wrote letters like this to me... His feelings for her are extremely intense. I don't think I can compete.

MelodyLane,
I did not read the thread entirely, I just read the rules on the first page, what are talking points? Cannot understand that bit.

ok, just read the FB exposure system and it is freaking scary.
I don't have FB but my husband has and it has all the family members on it. I really need guts to do it.

Go and start up your own facebook page right now. Go to your husbands page and copy and paste all his contacts into a WORD doc. See if you can find the OW's facebook page and do the same.


Print up all of these emails right now and put them in a safe place. If you can, secretly forward several of them to your own email but erase the forward out of his sent file.


Please stick with us, czarne. We are not going to ask you to compete, but we are going to give you the best chance possible. Even if you decide not to save your marriage, we will help you destroy his affair so your children are not stuck with her for a stepmom.