And I mean completely random - not tied in any way, but just a few different things I've been wondering..

- I've heard of a private forum mentioned on here, what is that all about and how does that work?

- when it comes to complete exposure (to everyone who is anyone), has anyone experienced any negatives with that, where their marriage later was restored but someone in their family or circle of friends could never respect/forgive the wayward spouse anymore and see past it?

- as I've been reading other threads, I see EAs crop up often. I am simply wondering (out of curiousity), are EAs in general just as damaging/awful/etc as physical affairs? Are they easier to get over (both for wayward and betrayed). I don't have a point of reference, having had the full enchilada for the affair that affected my own marriage, but often I find myself wishing it had been something that had only stayed online and never gone physical and think to myself that maybe I could have been over it easier. Am I wrong?

The private forum is for those who go through the MB seminar.[now the online program] They post questions to Dr Harley.


I can't think of any off hand, but if there are such consequences it is due to the affair, not the exposure. There are always consequences to an affair because it affects the whole family in a very negative way.


Yes, they are just as destructive.

I don't know about how easy they are to get over compared to physical affairs.

However, even if it were "easier" on some level for the betrayed spouse, I wouldn't be inclined to promulgate that info in that way. It might be easier to get over ... until the NEXT emotional affair.

Emotional affairs can be just as dangerous to a marriage as physical affairs.

I would never have had a physical affair if I hadn't gotten myself into an emotional affair first. That's how affairs start. Not by two strangers meeting in a grocery-store checkout line & one saying to the other "Hi, I'm Melissa, you look nice, how about we go & screw?" Rather, physical affairs begin in almost every instance with minor compliments & exchanges of confidences, until the affairees feel an emotional "connection". They use this to justify to themselves what follows.

The wayward spouse in an emotional-only affair can be deluded into thinking that what he/she did wasn't THAT bad, and so he/she may resist the boundary adjustments, extraordinary precautions & protections that are necessary to prevent infidelity; and a betrayed spouse in an emotional affair may be tempted to shrink from insisting upon these necessary adjustments. This is important to bear in mind.

Dr Harley has said the easiest affairs to break up are solely physical (no emotional attachment). Because there is no withdrawal period for the WS which is an offense to the BS.

But to the BS, all betrayal is betrayal. Most people find the lying more offensive than the actual physical contact..and there is always some lying.

[quote][/quote]
Twocents
They all hurt. Since one uslly follows the other you now may have two wounds. Once you have been stabbed in the heart does it really matter what the person uses to inflect the damage? Depends
I have always thought of FWW's PA as a fork into my heart instead of a knife.
The wound has many points of injury not just one. In the initial pain of betrayal on D-day you don't notice that there is actually more than one source of that terrible pain you feel. You just know it is the worst pain you have ever experienced!
It was only after my FWW and I decided to use MB to restore our M that the other wounds were found and had to be dealt with.
Dr. Harley says most WS don't start out seeking SF. They allow some OS to meet a EN first.
IC my FWW had with the OM hurt me when I heard her recount them to me. The pillow talk they had in the mornings after. Another huge gaping wound.
Dr. Harley also says that the level of EA to the lover will also be on a scale from no EA ( one-night-stands) to complete soul mates.
FWW said she was in the middle, some what strong EA with OM. Yet another wound exposed needing to be healed.
FWW initiated the PA!
That one drove me to start a thread seeking help to heal! Another wound needing the balm of MB.
EA are just as painful as PA. An A just hurts, different levels for different people.When a WS has any kind of an A...
You get F-O-R-K-E-D!!

My thought is that comparing an EA to a PA to an EA/PA is like asking whether it is better to get hit over the head with a hammer or merely pound your foot with the hammer. It's all bad news.

AM

Yup. Agree with this.

In her desperate need to calm me down after dday, she told me that they werent together physically nearly as much as my imagination was leading me to believe. I told her I didnt care much about the last couple of years of their relationship when I knew (and its more clear now) she really didnt want to be near him but was stuck in it (whatever).

I let her know it was when it was new and dangerous and fun that I care about and despite her claim that she was not giving a bj or a bang daily, she did work with him everyday and its that time alone and EA that I have plenty of issues with as well.

She chose to ride around and have lunch and go here and go there as if they were a couple that infuriates. That helping him be happy and feel like a man when I was not is something we'll forever be challenged by.

So yes, screwing and touching and bj-ing another guy is bad, but 1A in that list is an emotional affair. And, by the way, she called it a relationship that they had early on that ended (as they do) after a period of time. So, when it ended, it was indeed easy for her because all they had left was an occasional tookie session and the EA was well gone.

There you go, PA and EA are equal in their brutality, IMO.

Does this include those who pay for coaching from Jennifer. not to hijack the thread, just curious as we just started.

This really surprises me. The thought of the physical to me is much worse than any emotional needs getting met. Maybe I am confusing emotional needs and emotional attachment. Even so, I have a hard time thinking the physical would be easier to get over, at least for a man.

No, this is for the program supervised by Dr Harley. It is the online program and he assigns you a coach who takes you through the entire program.

A purely physical affair is easier for the WS to get over. I have noticed that most betrayed husbands have the hardest time getting over a PA like you said. Whereas, BWs have a harder time getting over an EA.

I agree with this. If my WH's affair was just some random physical encounter where he lost control, was drunk, whatever I'd have found it MUCH easier to get over that than knowledge that he actually desired this woman, thought of her (while not with her), had any form of an emotional bond with her and so on.

I think indie's comment was about how hard/easy it is to break up an affair, not about how hard/easy recovery is. In the case of a purely physical infidelity with no emotional component, it makes sense that Dr. Harley would say this is easier to break up, because in this case there may be no addiction. But if the spouse is actually in love, it stands to reason that it will be much harder to get such an addict to stay away from his fix.

you think this because of what you're dealing with. to the EA-only BS, it's different. betrayal is betrayal. have you checked out the recovery forum? BSs have just as difficult a time dealing with the EA betrayal, because of the lying. in the end, it's not so much the act, as the second (lying) life. the are really no degrees to betrayal. recovery is hard no matter what. the only degree is the WS and their commitment (or lack of) into recovery.

Yes, the secret second life; the lying... To my face... Over and over again... Daily for 6 months, was really so awful.

PLUS, the fact that my WH gave his heart to another...ugh.

Now, the pysical side? Not great to deal with (feels so sleazy), but the emotional attachment gutted me.

well, I do agree that it was the lying - that was my point.
What I was trying to convey is that I'd much rather have had a scenario where WH went out, got drunk, had a PA (ONS) and confessed it vs a true emotional attachment with someone that was kept from me (with lying), even with no PA.