I just stumbled across this site and let me say that you guys are pure genius'.

Here is my story. My wife and I have been married for 17 years. During our marriage, I was in the Navy for the first 5. We had a wonderful relationship. When I got out of the Navy I had a hard time coping with the transition into Civilian Life. I was taking 17 credit hours a semester and working 24 hours a week. I was in class from 8-4 Monday thru Friday and then working 7pm-7am Friday and Saturday. Then 9 years ago we decided to have our 2nd son. I quickly became burned out with school, work and a baby on the way. I turned to playing online video games as a release. This ended up ruining my schooling and my ability to help with my wife during her pregnancy. I kept playing video games up until 2 months ago. I did this from the living room so that I could still be with my kids and family but I was still allowing it to take away from time with them. My wife has PTSD from being sexually abused by her oldest brother as a child. While we were in the Navy her father died of cancer. All of this has made her and I grow apart over the past 9 years. She has a lot of depression issues and pain issues that her doctors tell her are psychological. 2 years ago she had a global transient amnesia episode at work and was forced to leave. This made her depression even worse. I have tried to be there and support her but I have not always been very good at supporting her pain issues. I wasn't always willing to take her to the hospital at the drop of a dime or stay with her during her visit. She handled all of the bills and started not paying them. We lost our electricity many times and then we got evicted. I've sense taken over all the money affairs, which has led her to believe I am being controlling because I refuse to give her my Credit card. When I did give it to her, she would spend all of the money and we couldn't pay the bills. We have had our ups and downs. Then this past week she told me that she couldn't make our marriage work anymore and she wanted a divorce. I was an emotional wreck. I begged and pleaded with her. She told me that she needed to get away this week and asked me to give her $250, which I did. She left on Sunday and in my crisis, I've been talking to mutual friends. Come to find out she has been talking to a friend we both knew from the Navy. I searched my online phone records and she has been texting and calling him for 1000s of minutes. There was almost 600 minutes of calls in 2.5 days. I don't think this is normal. Talking to her best friend, she has told me that she has been talking about him to her and she thinks there is something going on. She doesn't know if she met up with him this week but even if she didn't, she is having a phone affair. She even took me to the airport to see if we could find my car. My wife has blocked me on Facebook and so has this guy. I got on his Facebook account from a friends account and as far as I can tell, he is married with a 5 month old baby. I don't know what to do next. My friends have told me not to confront her. Other have told me to leave. I have a place to go and my 15 year old son wants to live with me (he doesn't know about this, he only knows my wife wants a divorce). She comes home on Wednesday and I don't know what to do. Should I have my things packed and go? I love my wife more than anything in the world and don't want this. I want things to be the way they were and to rebuild our relationship. She told me before she left that she isn't willing to do that. What should I do?

I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you to Marriage Builders. You have found a great resource for coping with adultery as well as for building a great marriage.

Dr. Harley recommends a very specific plan for affairs:

First, a link to a video that you should watch --> Infidelity: What every couple needs to know

1.) Expose the affair to everyone who is important to you and your wife. Expose the affair to the other man's (OM) wife. Here's the link for the format to use for exposure --> Exposure Letters

Print out and put in a safe place the evidence you have collected regarding your wife's affair.

Here's a link to MelodyLane's invaluable Exposure Thread Exposure 101

Also, tell your children. Here's what Dr. Harley says about telling the children about a parent's affair:
"My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults." Here

Your wife will be very angry, but you can survive her anger. Your marriage cannot survive her ongoing affair.

2.) At the same time, go into Plan A. Read this link to Pepperband's thread --> Carrot and Stick of Plan A Be a wonderful husband, the one you should have been all along.

Don't move out of your home!

Others will be along soon to help you. The best thing about MB is that Dr. Harley has an actual plan that is your best shot at killing the affair. Either way, MB has the plan that will help YOU recover.

You are getting and going to get some great advice. Please follow it, your situation is not unique.
Don't make the mistakes that all of us previously have made, listen to the veterans.
Expose far and wide, DO NOT disclose where or how you got your evidence.
DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Your wife is having an affair. Your greatest weapon against the affair is exposure, which I would strongly suggest you do today before she gets back. Go read the link in my signature about exposure and then come back and discuss.

Sorry you're here. Had you come by two weeks ago, you would have saved yourself a spit-load of pain.

All that said, read this below and implement all the steps immediately.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

I just thought of something that hopefully someone here knows the answer.

When my wife told me she wanted a divorce, I told her I was going to move back to the town where I work. It's an hour from our house. I told her, our rent was paid up for 2 weeks, she had that long to make her own arrangements. At that point I won't be paying the rent or the utilities for the house. My oldest son is going with me, my youngest wants to stay with his mother. So, one of my friends mentioned that I need to look into what to do about the rent and utilities. If I shut them off and she is trying to live there, then it will look bad since she has my other so and the court might nail me for neglect. I gave her fair warning but and she wouldn't answer me when I asked where she was planning to go. She just said that she had things planned. So, should I go through with turning the utilities off?

Did you read any of our posts?

Yes I read them like 50 times. Staying in my house isn't an option and for my job I'm better moving back to that town. All the advice had been to expose the affair. I don't know 100% she had one. I just have crazy phone record that don't make sense. That coupled with the fact she left town for 4 days. I think for me to remain in the situation without some kind of space would be detrimental.

MIGhunter,

I strongly recommend you do as the veterans are advising you and not follow through with your own plan. Do not leave your home, expose the affair (you have enough evidence, no married woman should be on the phone with another man like that), and begin plan A. Read the material on the MB website and better yet, start listening to the Harley's radio show each day as well.

The vets here know what they are talking about. If you want a chance to save your marriage, follow their advice.

If you instead want to lose your only chance and your wife and family, then do as you plan and move out and give up.

Blackhawk

Why is staying in your house not an option ?

You stay. She goes.

Your first post said "she is at least having a phone affair". You know the guy she is involved with, and you have his number, per your first post. Did you give his wife a call and see where he has been the last few days ???

Do you want to stay married or not ?

Your kids need you. You can do this. You've got to do this !

You leaving the situation and not exposing the affair is detrimental. Giving her "space" is about the worst thing you can do. There is nothing we can do to help you if you won't take the advice.

Expose what you know, state that the situation is intolerable to you, and state your conclusion: she is at least having a phone affair. In the same message, ask for help and support.


This is why you need to expose, so you can start building a support group.

With a support group (including in person support and us here on the forum, and possibly Dr. Harley if you want to email him on his radio show), you can tough it out for longer. We can help you. Please let us help you.

You may also consider asking your regular doctor to prescribe antidepressants for you for the time being, to help keep you level-headed.

She knew I knew. She confessed the whole thing. I still moved out because honestly I've wanted to move anyway. I work an hour away and it was too much driving. She has to move out now too. I've talked to her and she is remorseful and wants to save our marriage. I told her it will be a long road to recovery. We are getting together to goto church on Sunday and so she can see the kids. I'm taking it one day at a time. I really hope this all works out. I love her so much and want to still be with her but I know everyone is going to have issues that will need resolved. I also told her about this website and how awesome it is. She really likes the emotional questionnaire idea. She thinks that it will be a really good idea to fill it out so I can see where she isn't meeting my needs and visa versa. I'll keep everyone posted.

12 hours later the progress that I thought we made talking is gone. She is back to blaming me for pushing her into sleeping with another man. She is also really angry at me for taking my kids. She made a comment about what other choice do I have but to move out of state. That is when I took the kids. I have told her that I won't take them from her but until she finds a place to stay and is more stable, they are better off staying with me. She has told me that she doesn't really think that she had an affair because she had already decided she wanted a divorce. She says she isn't in love with me or attracted to me so even if we get over the affair, she doesn't know if she wants to work things out because we'd have to start over from square 1 in our relationship. I really don't know what to do to make this right. I don't want to lose my wife or my family. She is too important to me. The other guys isn't a problem, his wife knows what happened and now he is fighting for his marriage. I don't see that same fight in my wife and that makes me sad.

MIGhunter,

If you would like to save your marriage then I suggest you start implementing all the great advice you have already been given.

As you can see, listening to her and going with your instinct isn't working - she can tell you XYZ until the cows come home, but her script is just that, a script, and people here have seen it over and over again. You want to believe the best, but believing the best doesn't work in this situation.

Start with LongWayFromHome's response to you (read the links, watch the video) on October 16th and follow from there.

Also, how do you know his wife knows? Did the wife tell you that? Unless the wife actually tells you verbally (ie you can confirm it is her and not just a written communication) then you cannot believe a word of it.

Are you going to expose your WW's affair now?

Sorry if there was some confusion.

I exposed the Affair to her and everyone we know before she physically got home. I personally talked to his wife and she told me he confessed to her about the affair.

We've been doing counseling through our church and it really seems to be helping. We are living together and spending a lot of time together. She is over the affair. Unfortunately for me, other stuff has come to light. She is being 100% honest with me and this isn't the 1st affair. She had one other a year ago that I had no clue about. I have a long road of rebuilding our relationship and trust but I know in my heart that it can be done.

Have her take a polygraph so you can get all the truths.
Polygraph Testing

What conditions have you given her for you to work on recovery?

Has she written a NC letter to OM?

What EPs has she implemented?

Have the conditions that allowed her affair been eliminated?