I am and will and the counciller is helping and going to be there when she hears the letter. I reall thing the fog is at least becoming more misty and sometimes disappears from what she has said in her councilling sessions. She wants things to change as much as I do we just can seem to cumin ate and listenyo each other saying it

Well havent posted for a while, things are still going very slowly but after my solo councilling session i found out some really positive things.

The counciller told me that my wife is saying to her that she wants to work on the marriage and the real issues and how we can resolve those and find solutions to them. Whilst my wife wont say she will try to me she is saying it to the counciller. The fact that when she said she didnt want to celebrate our anniversay what she did say is shoudl would like to celebrate it inthe future. The counciller pointed out to me that this was the important part i didnt "hear" that my wife is saying to me she wants to celebrate it in the future.

Basically it boils down to us working together to resolve the real and how things can change etc and with time get used to those changes and what our marriage will be like with us fufilling each others needs.

This saturday we have a joint session to start talking about real issues along with negotiating things we can do for each other along with things that have to stop. The counciller told me some of these things will take time before we are both willing to do them as things get more comfortable etc, such as holding hand, cuddles etc and to start we take the lil baby steps again so all in all things lookin positive and i whilst i still yearn for my wifes touch i dont have expectation and enjoy any little things she does do or give and dont beat myself up so much now

A willingness to work towards meeting needs is all we need right?

So the same goes for her. Even when she wont let you meet needs, she notices that you're willing.

Any progress is good progress Dave... one foot in front of the other. One minute, hour and day at a time. It didnt take only a short few weeks to get you to where you ae now .. and the same will be said a bout recovery. The fact that her fog is becoming misty like that is great news.

Keep up the plan A. Its a marathon .. not a sprint.

MNG

yep and finall looks n feels like we are making a step in the right direction our anniversary hurt me a lot but the counciller got me to see n understand what message was my wife was saying at the same time to me and what she had said inher solo session. The counciller dissatisfied the scales odour marriage had been tipped one way to start and then the opposite way after my A and now was the time to find the balance meeting each others needs

thanks mng no it's didn't happen over night and won't get fixed over night either, one positive the counciller always reminds me is to not keep looking how far the journey is going to be as that feels huge but to look how far we have come instead

Not gullying into R yet but the steps are starting to be made and I will continue plan A as well the best thing I did apart from coming here n listening was also listening to what the counciller was telling me about rather than been full on with everything to back off a little and make it natural, that has help the entire process

Well back from the counseling session and didn't quite go as well or make as much progress as i wanted but feel it was a positive session and step forward.

We talked about both of our emotions\feelings and things that had happened and been said since our last session. One thing the councilor said to us both is that we are both wanting the sames things and both frightened as well. We are both hiding our emotions and protecting ourselves rather than letting things out to each other.

I got the chance to read my letter to my wife and the councilor explained how heartfelt this was and how i was asking for there to be changes in our marriage in the future rather than the old marriage we had.

We did spend a lot of time talking about how we listen and perceive each other etc and also things we can start to do for each other in a small baby step way, which after negotiation my wife agreed with.

Also we started to tackle some of the real underlying issues the first one been my past AO's. My wife acknowledged how i now wasn't getting nasty and\or shouting etc but there are still things she perceives as threatening that i do. To this i have asked her to tell me as i cant see what these are and only she can tell me. We talked about this a lot and what my wife was saying whilst in tears that she had tried this in the past and why should she try anymore etc. With a lot of encouragement from the councilor as to why to break this circle now, she has agreed that she will write them down to tell me. I said this will help me recognize things that i can then work on to change.

The councilor also said how it was obvious to see that we both want the same changes and also asked my wife if she was scared of changes which at first my wife said no. The councilor then want on to explain and said that it would be perfectly understandably for her to be scared of change as it is the fear of unknown which my wife then agreed with.

All in all it was a positive session and we both come away knowing and learning more and also going to start giving positive feedback to each other along we starting to ask each other to do things and become interdependent. I am going to work more on the little things that make my wife feel undermined\threatened etc that i dont see with any feedback from my wife. Also i will continue to plan A as well as whilst i backed off from the constant signs of affection\admiration etc i was showing what i have been doing hasnt gone unnoticed or complained about so i must be doing something right.

I still wish we could move at a quicker pace but accept things are going to take time to heal and rebuild a new future and marriage together. I have even started referring to my wife in more affection terms as well which she doesnt complain about, and maybe one day she can say them back to me as well. Now i know one of the REAL underlying issues and working on a way to resolve and change it i would dearly love to say something like to my wife like "Ok now we have talked about and are working to resolve the AO issue, if this were fixed tomorrow would that be the perfect\ideal marriage or is there something else we need to work on as well". I am going to bring this up with the councilor in my solo session as to how\when we can find the next issue and how we should approach it.

Have you gone through LoveBusters together? There are great questions for communicating about LBs.

no I haven't and I think since thus is such a important underlying issue that I should get the LB book. My wife isn't inboard with MB and she isn't a book person either, getting as far as we have has been a long hard struggle but at least we are hear now

Can anyone else let me know about the LB book and would me just reading it help things

The Love Busters book will help anyone whom wants to help themselves.

It will give you direction to stop Love Busters you may be committing. I would get it if you struggle with ANY love busters.

Well since councilling things seem to have gotton a little more relaxed over the weekend and maybe taking baby steps.

Here is a small update, this mornign when i got up for work at 6:15am i went downstairs and was making my coffee ready to leave. I noticed that the dishwasher was finished and still full from the night before so i just unloaded and put everything away before leaving.

on my way to the office i sent my wife a txt just asking if she needed anything from the stationary cabinet and let me know (slight tangent but she had asked for a few bits). Now i didnt expect a reponse or at best just a "no" etc.

But i got a response back saying "cant think of anything. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher" i nearly fell over lol felt so nice to hear it unpromoted as well. I just sent a response back saying "thats ok have a good day"

Sounds like you've found a good groove.

Do you have your serene pokerface ready for the next jolt on the road though?

Hi indie I always go with no expectations tonight seemed things taken a little step back although still talking and spending time alone with tv just felt something in the air but hey Hun

It's starting to feel like she gives a little doesn't get the old response from me but gets a newer nucer response and then runs away again yo try n propose the change few days later she comes out again lol

I have a solo session tomorrow n want to talk about how we can reall start some EN fufulling at least in terms of my fufulling her EN's as right now seems wife is starting up try fufulling sound of mine but not letting me fufill hers n then comes out with "I can't change my feelings" crap. If I can get the counciller go talk with the ride n explain to her about just letting me fufill some EN's then her feelings might start changing

One thing the counciller did ask her in our last session was if she was scared of change and I think she definitely is, she's asked for it but actually scared of it. Also it's a bit like her been scared or letting me fufill her EN and having her feelings change, we shall see

Its ironic but most people will let an outsider fulfill their needs due to a false confidence that they will never have feelings for the outsider. They're just a friend, that's silly! And boom - affair.

But reluctant spouses seem WELL aware that they could fall in love with their other half again, and so have better shields.

Its why some waywards still hiding an affair cling to the far edge of the mattress, scared to even touch the BS.

That's fine that she knows her weakness for you. Its respectful for you to allow her a choice to resist it. She must let her shields down and you accept that. She knows what awaits her with every peek she makes above the shield.

Yep somehow either me or the counciller needs to get her to let her shield down more. It seems she lets the shield down more and more but quickly puts it back up. I want the counciller to talk to her in her solo session about getting her to allow me to fufill her en's more and just let things happen. I read in a book about a situation like this and the counciller said rather than worrying about the feelings of love\trust etc all the time just act like they are there. Several weeks later the couple came back and the trust\love had started to happen. It was all about rather than lookin for it that trust\lkove is a starange emotion and that if yoru tryin to find it etc you wont just let it happen.

I'm curious

Did you quit in your efforts to instill morality? Quit and go back to swinging?
Or are you living the good life?

Any update?

Dave,

An update?

Will update soon thinks still not recovered but in plan a and moving very slowly

Usually when people stop posting they enter a false recovery.
I hope you haven't gone back to the open marriage bs