Forgive me for my bad English, because I live in the English-speaking world. I just found your site and decided to write to you to ask for opinions and advice. I discovered four years ago in some random love notes to my husband's phone. It is not entirely denied, but neither confessed. He told me that he felt neglected by me, and that this person is just someone who you can talk, that there was nothing intimate. I did not believe him, but we have agreed to provide each other decide to chance. Our relationship is much improved after that, we both tried to remove some of our mistakes. But the problem is that he does not seem to me seriously. That forgiveness seems to realize that he can continue with it, if it is well hidden and if I be offered enough on the other hand, I'm pleased.
After a while he began to pay attention to regularly delete messages by phone. He was still suspicious of attempts, which at one time stopped, then began again and again. I've never caught with a woman, I'm just finding messages that he sometimes forgot to delete. After a long time I managed to find out that in that his story was about two women. One who lived in our town and seeing with which he stopped, and with another woman he met somewhere along the way, who lives far away from us. It communicates with the phone calls and messages. Unfortunately it is not only a friendly relationship. He persistently denied all and tells me how imagining that I was paranoid. We also had a difficult stage when he accused me that I have no real evidence for it's behavior, threatened divorce from whom I would give up once with my application, and sometimes when they ceased to be angry. Simply put, everything would be okay between us while I would not have met with any evidence of cheating. As soon as they found something he would begin to behave like a completely different man. So while all the tension is released.
I did not threaten separation, because I know what kind of man. If I were him, "driven", he would never come back, no matter how difficult it was. That is, when out of spite, not thinking about their actions. With it's impossible to talk about a peaceful way to cheat, not to turn into a fight. I offered him to turn for help to a professional person, but he refused telling me that he does not see a problem with us. Logically, because he does not have any problems and do what he wants. So I eventually ceased to insist on discussions and types. I tried it with a beautiful, reduce the pressure and it was somewhat worked.
Today our relationship is not bad. He is a very loving father who takes care of our children (we have three young daughters), he tries to be nice to me, that we meet and we have no problem with normal communication. We learn everyday problems to solve easily. So what's the problem? Well that's me convinced that he still is not faithful to me. The problem is that he is trying to set me apart from one part of your life, probably one of the acts who hides. Can talk about everything, not just about cheating, and our emotions. Probably the lack of mutual trust and honesty that affects our communication is limited. It is also our intimate life is shaken. I feel that avoids intimacy as much as it can, and only agrees to meet me at times. I was quite disappointed and disgusted I am, but I still try. I do not want a divorce and somehow I still think that somewhere there is a "way out" for this our situation. But I do not know if I can get alone when he does not want to open up, to talk. He is caring on the one hand, and on the other so inscrutable. As if these two are completely different persons in one man. He seemed to be handed over, so what happens in the end. He reminds me, for example your man that you say you live in lektričnoj fence. What next?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you hire a private investigator and have him followed to find out what he is doing?

Welome to MB.

I do hope that the name you have chosen to use here is not your credit card number.

Thanks for the welcome.
No, I did it because I live in a small town and do not have private detectives. I do not know, it's kinda stupid. That he does not speak to his honor, and I was stupid to descend to his level.

Good joke. No, it's not my credit card number. During registration I made a mistake and now I do not know how to correct it. You can call me Sylvia.

Go to "my stuff" then "edit profile" then scroll down to "display name" that will change your name.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Thanks a lot.

What snooping can you put in place? Spyware on his phone? Keylogger on his computer? VAR in his vehicle?

And he probably isn't faithful. And you're not okay with that. So what are you doing to change that? Then you can't talk about everything, so I struck that from your post. You can only talk about 'safe' topics, like what to have for dinner, or what movie to watch on TV, right? Why would you settle for having a relationship with someone who could be your grandmother?

What next? The next thing is to read the link in MelodyLane's post. Read that and come back when you're done.

And he probably isn't faithful. And you're not okay with that. So what are you doing to change that? Then you can't talk about everything, so I struck that from your post. You can only talk about 'safe' topics, like what to have for dinner, or what movie to watch on TV, right? Why would you settle for having a relationship with someone who could be your grandmother?

[/quote]
It is hard to answer. Our story is very long and complicated, and I'm sorry that I have not discovered this forum before. I'm not sure if I explained everything enough in the first post.
My husband last year had many suspicious of attempts, constantly checking your phone, delete the message. I know she was seeing a girl from the city, and today I'm convinced that they do not see each other anymore. Basically, I showed him the messages that I find, we argue a lot. I threatened him that I would go with the kids even though I had no where to go. I have no family in town, my parents are dead, and the tenants did not have the money. So I end up hooking up with him.
Just when everything was calm, appears in his life, a married woman who lives far away from our city. I sent him a friend request on Facebook which he accepted. When I am asked who she was, he told me that he does not know. Why would he accept someone as a friend if you do not know? We argued about it and I erase it from his list of friends. But it still was persistent and sent him requests which I refused. He would be very angry every time, and I'm at a conclusion that his behavior on and it still knows that it's not just friendship. Now I'm not sure whether he in contact with her or not. Strangely it all. Maybe I'm unreasonable doubt, but due to lack of confidence in him, I just have no peace. In our country there is a saying that says when someone really gets burned, and then blows cold. If he wanted to talk with me openly when it was, maybe still my suspicion would not be. Thus I am constantly on pins and needles and all doubt he does and what he was saying. I do not know what to do to deal with it.
Our communication is not so superficial and not just talk about the dinner and what we watch on TV. Not to us that every man for himself. We have small children who go to school, participate in their upbringing, we agree, actually, hang out with friends, we have the two of us going out alone or with children, talk about problems at work and home. We went on a romantic trip this year, and now we are preparing the second occasion of our wedding anniversary. When you take a trip somewhere everything is so simple and beautiful, closer together, but when we get home all return to the old and to be emotionally distance ourselves again. Nonetheless, easy to solve common problems, it is easy to coordinate, work well and the business (because we have the same profession), but our feelings are still taboo. He said that we are okay and that we're not just teenagers that love and tenderness exchange. Then I can be hard because again I remember his message that he wrote, which were full of tenderness and feeling that I can not seem to forget, and so on. I do not know if you understand me, but everything that happened in the recent past as something that hinders him because he was aware of what he's doing, he knew that he lost confidence, I controlled it and us it away. That's why I say that does not work poor but no longer like before, as before. I do not know what to do again, so be it and if it can do more?

No, I have not thought about these possibilities.

I read the text. How I see it is advised to get acquainted with the situation of parents, children, friends ...
What can I say? I discovered long ago that I was your son, cousin, friend, etc. cheated, I found evidence of this, but I did not come upon them and not recorded. It would be my word against his, and it could happen to me declared insane or paranoid.
All good thoughts about him as a wonderful father, husband, son, friend, neighbor, colleague and everyone respects him. Who would believe him-or so beautiful that I "only" suspect something without concrete evidence?
Children also can not say. Elder daughter and maybe she could, but she is very sensitive, I am afraid that it is very hurt and that it would have a big impact on her. Two other daughters, I can not say, because they are too small and have no idea what's cheating-they would not understand anything. They only see what that is, that we get along with some of their doubts they would only confuse and upset.
Currently myself and I can say that I do not cheat, but can not seem to get rid of the bitterness of all, its further suspicion, distrust. In addition, the big problem is his passivity to improve our relationships. He acts more like a friend, not as a husband. Ok, friendship is important part of marriage, but he missing part of the relationship, his interest in our intimacy. Could it be changed to?

You need to expose his affair.

Yes, I know. I tried everything, but he just does not want to talk about it. I can not make it by force. He pulls on how words are not important, but the work that is what he is to me now. I keep repeating that now nothing is wrong with us, that we live in a greater love than many others in their marriages.
It also tells me that I have too high expectations, to me he did not understand and could not give me more than what we provide. To him the affair was over and did not want to go back to that story.