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Joined: Jun 2011
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Roughly seven years ago I had an affair with my wife's sister in law. I was exposed. At that time I sent the no contact letter with my wifes approval and we have tried to salvage our marriage. Obviously I am not allowed, by my wife or brother in law, to participate in her family functions that take place at his home. Which I completely understand. This has always caused a conflict with my wife, quite understandably. Last year, I uncovered that my wife was having a workplace affair have several times found that contact has continued. She has since left her place of work. I was recently informed that she was found in this guys bedroom, shirtless, by his wife after leaving work early. She has now said that she wants a divorce becaue she wants the relationship that she once had with her brother. She is unsure of any way to maintain both the relationship with her brother and our marriage. Is there any way to handle this issue and recover our marriage? We have 3 kids and I truly love my wife and want this to work out. I just don't know if it can. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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It doesn't sound to me like she wants to divorce because of the situation with her brother, but rather because she is in an active affair.
What have you done to expose the affair? Does your wife openly engage in this affair, or is she stating that it is over? Has she sent a NC letter? What methods of snooping and extraordinary precautions do you have in place to confirm there is no contact?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I am copying longwayhome's excellent post she made this morning: I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you to Marriage Builders. You have found a great resource for coping with adultery as well as for building a great marriage. Dr. Harley recommends a very specific plan for affairs: First, a link to a video that you should watch --> Infidelity: What every couple needs to know here 1.) Expose the affair to everyone who is important to you and your wife. Expose the affair to the other man's (OM) wife. Here's the link for the format to use for exposure --> Exposure Letters Print out and put in a safe place the evidence you have collected regarding your wife's affair. Here's a link to MelodyLane's invaluable Exposure Thread Exposure 101 Also, tell your children. Here's what Dr. Harley says about telling the children about a parent's affair: "My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur. An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults." Here Your wife will be very angry, but you can survive her anger. Your marriage cannot survive her ongoing affair. 2.) At the same time, go into Plan A. Read this link to Pepperband's thread --> Carrot and Stick of Plan A Be a wonderful husband, the one you should have been all along. Don't move out of your home! Others will be along soon to help you. The best thing about MB is that Dr. Harley has an actual plan that is your best shot at killing the affair. Either way, MB has the plan that will help YOU recover. _________________________
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jun 2011
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She is stating that it is over. She has not sent a NC letter. She has given me passwords to emails accounts. I have contacted the dude's wife. They have separated.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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She is stating that it is over. She has not sent a NC letter. She has given me passwords to emails accounts. I have contacted the dude's wife. They have separated. I would expose the affair to everyone and go read the links we posted above. Did you read them?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jun 2011
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She will definitely leave if I expose. That is what I want to avoid.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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It doesn't sound to me like she wants to divorce because of the situation with her brother, but rather because she is in an active affair. I agree. The number one problem here is the affair. You can combat the affair, using the tools on this site, which may give your marriage a chance for survival. You can and should do anything possible to disrupt it. Start by watching the video that has been linked to: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.htmlFrom there, read about exposure and start making a plan.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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She will definitely leave if I expose. That is what I want to avoid. She is definitely leaving NOW. Do you want to change this, or do you want things to stay the same? Hundreds (thousands?) of people on this site have said what you just said. The ones who fought the affair are the ones who are likely here today to say "I recovered my marriage." The ones who did not are the ones whose wives went on to leave. But don't take our word for it. The expert behind this site is Dr. Willard Harley, who has been a successful marriage counselor (most marriage counselors are not successful) for forty years, has been successfully married for fifty years, has counseled literally thousands of marriages, many of them ravaged by infidelity. Check and see what he thinks rather than going on your own uneducated opinion, or ours. Have you watched the video?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I would expose the affair to everyone and go read the links we posted above. Did you read them? You did not answer MelodyLane's question. Let me assure you, my friend, that marriage recovery is not for the lazy. If you are too lazy to even watch a video and read links, then you might as well give up now. You have a good shot at this, but your first step is to get educated. Please don't waste time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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She will definitely leave if I expose. That is what I want to avoid. Oh no, she would not leave over that. If her affair were truly over she would not care who knew. Exposure will kill her affair and cause her to wake up from the fog. The reason you should expose is because it is much harder to carry on an affair when others know about it. Affairs thrive on secrecy so telling everyone ruins the affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. If you don't expose, the affair will thrive and she will leave you for the other man. She will blame you for the divorce and no one will be the wiser. But if you expose she will have to face everyone and answer for the ruination of your marriage and family. If you want to save your marriage, you need to listen to us, Sir. Expose this affair NOW!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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She will definitely leave if I expose. That is what I want to avoid. That doesn't make any sense. You told us this: She has now said that she wants a divorce becaue she wants the relationship that she once had with her brother. SHE IS LEAVING!! She is already leaving. She is leaving to pursue her affair. And you have one shot to stop that: EXPOSURE. If you refuse to help yourself there is nothing we can do to help you. The longer you sit idly and do nothing, the harder it will be to save your marriage. Once she moves out the odds of saving this go way up. But you have to do the work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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