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Dave, in that case I would suggest you keep doing housework for her until comes out of withdrawal. Dr Harley has told other men to do this as a way of showing they CARE. IT would annoy me terribly but apparently your wife likes that you do this stuff so you should continue to do it for now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody thanks fog the advice and that's what I have been doing in planA smile and my wife has said she does like me doing thinks without been asked but since we are moving slowly into recovery and starting to get admiration both waysi thought this could have been something simple n ideal as well

Could I ask you melody to cone back to my thread please, I know we fell out early on because of my attitude but s lot has changed since then smile


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A

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Originally Posted by dotnetdave
I would still love her to ask me to do things as well, maybe something I can talk about with her like a previous response mentioned to find out what she would be comfortable asking me to do etc, then woud be all good and I get to feel wanted/needed its amazing how much different it will feel to be asked to do something rather than continually offering to do it smile


I don't have a specific suggestion for this, but perhaps it would help if you thought about it a little more from your wife's perspective? I don't know your wife, but I know a lot of women who really dislike asking their husbands to do things around the house. The reason is that they want a PARTNERSHIP. And if they have to be the ones to instigate every task, then it doesn't feels like a partnership. Instead, it feels to the wife like she is the manager, and the husband is the employee. Or worse, like she is the parent, and the husband is the child.

So it looks like your challenge is to figure out how to achieve a dynamic where your wife feels like she is one half of a functioning partnership, and you still get what you are looking for.

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I don't have a problem asking DH to do stuff around the house. But, we're both domestically challenged.

You do always have the option of hiring a domestic. They're not expensive and I really miss mine.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Originally Posted by curious53
I don't have a specific suggestion for this, but perhaps it would help if you thought about it a little more from your wife's perspective? I don't know your wife, but I know a lot of women who really dislike asking their husbands to do things around the house. The reason is that they want a PARTNERSHIP. And if they have to be the ones to instigate every task, then it doesn't feels like a partnership. Instead, it feels to the wife like she is the manager, and the husband is the employee. Or worse, like she is the parent, and the husband is the child.

So it looks like your challenge is to figure out how to achieve a dynamic where your wife feels like she is one half of a functioning partnership, and you still get what you are looking for.
Thanks for pointing it out and is something i had though about as well and she has certainly mentioned it sometimes feels like the parent\child situation as well in our councilling session.

Please would you come to my thread and join me there to discuss things more ?


BH
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DD: 27th July, Current status plan A

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Here is a small update, this mornign when i got up for work at 6:15am i went downstairs and was making my coffee ready to leave. I noticed that the dishwasher was finished and still full from the night before so i just unloaded and put everything away before leaving.

on my way to the office i sent my wife a txt just asking if she needed anything from the stationary cabinet and let me know (slight tangent but she had asked for a few bits). Now i didnt expect a reponse or at best just a "no" etc.

But i got a response back saying "cant think of anything. Thank you for emptying the dishwasher" i nearly fell over lol felt so nice to hear it unpromoted as well. I just sent a response back saying "thats ok smile have a good day"


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
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DD: 27th July, Current status plan A

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FYI it should be "hoovering" as in Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, not Hovering. :-)

It seems as though you have "respectfully requested" her to provide Admiration for your Domestic Support that she has respectfully requested of you.

The best way to "train" someone into that new behavio(u)r is to provide positive feedback when they do it. She thanks you for vacuuming/hoovering and you thank her for thanking you.

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That's exactly what I did we the txt from this morning smile she said thank you for unloading the dishwasher n this afternoon I sent her a txt as I was about to leave from the office and also said "thank you for what you said this morning" at last I did something right smile


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
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DD: 27th July, Current status plan A

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Dave just a thought, but I think this DS need of hers crosses over into an affection need.

When we 'notice' our spouse needs help and do things to help them, its meeting the need for affection. Whereas if we agree to do a fair portion or all of the chores, its a DS need.

If you negotiate a division of DS chores, you will make some tasks hers, and some yours, meeting the DS need.

Dr H says you should then go for bonus points and do some of your spouse's tasks for them if they're tired/long day/home late/just cause you care. By making a chore hers and then doing it for her, you're meeting affection.

For now, you might just want to keep Plan Aing with all your might, but dividing chores is something to consider long term.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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indie right now its a case of she has complained in the past of me not help or doing any DS things so i have been doing all sorts of things now hoovering, wasing, ironsing etc etc

we havent come up with a division of chores yet so i guess everything i do is showing signs of support and affection. I was suprised to get the "thank you" txt yesterday and that made me feel useful and that she appreciated what i had done smile so i keep doing thigns. I also sent her a message as well like i say thanking her for thanking me smile


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
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dave, do you think this is a temporary thing, getting admiration met through texts and stuff instead of 15+ hours UA time a week? Because it sounds like that to me. I thought Plan A is supposed to feel kinda yucky if you're doing t right.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Originally Posted by dotnetdave
we havent come up with a division of chores yet


Why not?

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To be honest I don't really know, as I am in plan a I was just trying to do as much as I can


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
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Here is what my husband and I do, and it works for us:

1. Division of Labor: These are the specific rules we have for who does what when. In our house, the rule is that one person cooks, and the other cleans the kitchen up afterward. On weekdays, my husband handles kitty litter and feeds the cats in the evening, while I make coffee and feed the cats in the morning. On the weekends, it is reversed.

Rules like this depend entirely on your circumstances. My husband works from home, so it makes sense for him to handle kitty litter on weekdays -- he's the one who has to smell it!

2. Management Areas: These are specific things that one or the other of us is in charge of and will always be in charge of, unless we re-negotiate. "In charge of" means the person who owns that management area is in charge of seeing that stuff gets done -- no matter how. That person can do it himself, delegate some of it, contract it out, whatever. My management areas are: rooms that hold my stuff only; our yard, deck, houseplants, etc.; home decor; laundry. My husband's management areas are: managing household bills and dealing with contractors; cat care; trash and recycling; home maintenance, appliances, electronics, entertainment systems, and network; basement; grilling, baking bread, and making sausage.

When I say that laundry is my management area, I mean that I see that the laundry gets done. Sometimes that entails handing him a basket stuff to fold. Sometimes it means I ask him outright to take care of a certain load because I won't be able to. In our last house, laundry was my husband's management area, but we switched it because our circumstances changes. Likewise, if I have to deal with a contractor, I do. But usually that is because my husband is traveling and can't be around.

Based on your description, it sounds like currently everything is your wife's management area. Why don't you take her to dinner and talk over what you both think are the big management areas in your home, and agree on which ones you can take over?

And I'll let you in on a little secret: since our management areas align with our interests and strengths, most of the time we each feel like we are bearing less than half of the household work. I know that doesn't sound logical, but it seems to work very well.

Edited to address HTML fail.

Last edited by curious53; 10/16/12 07:26 PM.
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That might actually fit in very well with your Plan A, Dave.

Although she has been refusing dates/dinners with you, she might agree to go out and discuss household chores. Just say you're hungry and want to go somewhere without distractions.

The offer to adress her chores concerns alone will be worth brownie points.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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What a brilliant idea smile first part i will come up with wold be the list of "management" areas and chores. Give me a little time and i will post it up on here along with who has been doing what in the past and currently.


BH
Married 13yrs, togther 18yrs
1 son, 11yrs
DD: 27th July, Current status plan A

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