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Joined: Oct 2012
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My husband and I have read His needs, Her needs. We easily identified my need for affection. Six months later I feel we've made no progress. I provided a list of affectionate actions that I would I appreciate and I've seen 2 or 3 of them occur a handful of times over 6 months. Several weeks ago my husband and I talked about my perceived lack of progress on his part and he said he'd work harder. I don't see it. What now?
I should add other areas in our relationship have improved but affection is what I need more than anything.
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Joined: Dec 2010
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My husband and I have read His needs, Her needs. We easily identified my need for affection. Six months later I feel we've made no progress. I provided a list of affectionate actions that I would I appreciate and I've seen 2 or 3 of them occur a handful of times over 6 months. Several weeks ago my husband and I talked about my perceived lack of progress on his part and he said he'd work harder. I don't see it. What now?
I should add other areas in our relationship have improved but affection is what I need more than anything. Do you have the workbook "Five Steps to Romantic Love?" There are worksheets that will you and your H identify exactly what forms of affection you like and help him do those things. Affection can become a habit. On the HNHN audio series, Dr. Harley relates a story of how a man learned to become affectionate. His wife created a list of things for him to do that would show affection. He set them up like a checklist and made sure he did them, one at a time, right on down the line. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her while still in bed, kiss her before leaving for work, call/text her X times per day, hug and kiss her upon his return home from work, etc. Each day he would do these things and check them off the list. After a while, the affection became a habit and the list was no longer needed as a reminder. Affection is an environment in marriage. It makes the object of affection feel cared for. One thing that really surprised both me and my H was that once he practiced being affectionate throughout each day, the SF he so desires has become effortless for me to participate in with him.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Joined: Jan 2010
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vb1, in Dr. Harley's workbook, there are worksheets for helping your husband learn to meet your need for affection. You give him a worksheet once a week and list acts of affection that you have noticed, and your reaction. Would he agree to this? He is also to keep a checklist and check off daily that he followed the plan for affection.
It will obviously take a lot longer if he's not practicing the habit!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day. (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include.) He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it. Here is a general example.
Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.
As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.
Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel. This exercise simply teaches them how to show their wives the care that they've felt all along. Remember that the goal here is to create a habit of demonstrated care, and you can and do have a role in helping to create those habits and vice-versa. Meeting your need for affection should be pleasant and enjoyable, and that can usually be produced with some reciprocity. For instance, if he has a high need for admiration you could take the example of a card and flowers by complimenting his choice. Or, even easier, you can thank him for every kiss.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Joined: Oct 2012
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Thanks for your responses. After reading the Affection chapter months ago I did make him a list but it wasnt as prescribed as what the book explained (ie there were suggestions but not specifics of at least once a day, before we get out of bed, etc) I'm going to revise the list with more specifics and work on really clarifying the definition of affection vs. recreational time, conversation etc. After talking with my husband again, understanding the difference between these areas seems to be part of the problem. Thanks again for your words of wisdom!
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