I think you are right indie. I am so tired of being told how all of this is my fault and always has been and that he doesn't think anything will ever change. That is how he justifies his continuing to cheat on me.

I think I keep waiting for that "right moment" for part B. But I don't think that it exists. I just need to find the courage to do it.

We talked last night. He confessed that he still was talking to her. I told him I was tired of the lies and he needed to choose her or me. We talked for hours but I don't feel like anything was accomplished. He makes me feel like the worst wife ever.

He asked me if I knew divorce was for certain would I rather it be now or in 7 years (our youngest would be 18) which would I prefer. I told him 7 years because that would give me that time to show him what he would be missing. But now I don't think that I could live 7 years with this situation.

At this point I am going to study plan B and pray.

Saraphna. My own FWH was a cake eater. He appeared to be the perfect remorseful DH at home while taking the affair underground. When I discovered his continued deception, I was sure that it was the end of my family.

I had to stand up for how I would be treated and what I would accept in my marriage. That is when he ended it. He had to feel the consequences and believe that I was serious. Consequences are the only thing that waywards understand and they will test you to see if you are serious.

If you decide to go into Plan B, then do it right. Read up on it here and ask questions. Post your Plan B letter for feedback. Get your finances, child exchanges, intermediary, etc lined up. Indie has a link in her sig on Plan B prep.

Do a stellar Plan A right up to the point that you push the Plan B button.

Do it right. That will give you the best chance in knocking WH out of his fog. Even if that does not turn him around...Plan B will protect you from his hurtful actions and get you started on your own personal recovery. Plan B gives YOU control and peace.

(((hugs)))

Saraphna --

You need to understand that following these steps does not mean your marriage is over.

You've already proven yourself to him. Now its time to let OW try to fill your shoes.

He's chosen the behavior -- now its time to let him feel the consequences.

He would be perfectly happy to continue with things exactly as they are. But it would drive you to the point of a breakdown!

So continue to be his wife and meet the needs he has -- but start right now planning to put him out, and file for protection.
Shut that door tight and do not let him have any piece of you.

And tell your kids...

With Part B do I still keep exposing? I haven't said much of anything since May to anyone except his mother. If I go to plan B do I keep exposing?

I am trying to think of someone for an IM. This is so overwhelming.

Do you give him the list of conditions that he needs to meet with the PBL?

I think I need to read more.

Yes. Expos� to everyone

Dr Harley recommends for women to Plan A for 3 weeks, and there is a reason why. Because if you Plan A for 7 YEARS while he carries on an affair with his POSOW you will end up in a padded cell talking to your imaginary friends.

You are worth more than that. Your children are worth more than that. You do not deserve another day of living in affair hell, much less another 7 years of it.

You are right. I feel so worn down by it all. He is refusing to try, I am to full of self doubt to send him packing. But I am so tired of the circles that we keep going in.

I hate the lies and secrets. He tells me I am not listening that he never has loved me and shouldn't have married me. I try to tell him that I am listening but one it doesn't make sense with what I remember and two it is really pathetic that he has let himself suffer 15 year like that.

I know in my hear he is wrong but he will never see it. I am still working out what I will do. But it will be soon.

Take it from me.... He has been selfish enough to continue this behavior for this long..... He will continue to keep doing the same thing b/c of that selfishness. You are going to HAVE to make the changes necessary to get this out of your life. THOSE changes might be what gives him a break in his fog. If you don't, you will be just like me, one year, two years later. I felt about as down as I could ever be two years ago. It gets worse Saraphna. It will personally get worse for you. You deserve better, so draw your line. If he REALLY means any of his words, he will rise to your expectations. If not, then you just saved yourself a ton of pain.

Right now your WH is in a fog. He BELIEVES that you are not the one for him, that he never loved you, that you are a horrible wife. Because to justify his own selfish and despicable behavior in his own head, he had to create a world where he was miserable enough to make cheating on you OK. It is not reality. Until he is out of the fog he will not see the reality.

Stop thinking about HIM, what HE wants, what HE feels. Think about YOU, and your kids. HE wants to have his cake and eat it too. Of course he does not want to try, because he has to give up his cake.

He never loved you and shouldn't have married you? That might have been an excuse to respectfully divorce you. It is NOT an excuse to sneak around behind your back with some piece of trash.

Is it pathetic that he has 'suffered' for 15 years??? NO, it is PATHETIC that he is causing YOU, his beautiful WIFE, to suffer day after day. THAT, is pathetic.

He is choosing his path, and it is time you started to choose yours.

You are all right. I am being a doormat. Its time that I step up and do what I need to do. I am going to get my ducks in a row and then move on with my life.

Do most people file for divorce when they go to plan B?

It depends on the legal requirements of the state and the specific situation. Some states it may be best to file legal separation; some states do not have legal separation at all.

In all cases, it is advised to have an attorney to protect your interests who can use the law to help you implement a Plan B.

Most people at least get ready to file. Divorce can be a very long process.

I am lucky in the sense that divorce is already filed, so if I have to go into Plan B, Plan D will be right alongside it.

Ok so first thing is to contact the attorney, and then find an IM and then proceed with plan b.

I am feeling so stressed. I am starting to get the ball rolling though that helps.

You should take up a hobby or begin exercising, or something like that. Many BS's find that having something like that to do helps a bit with the stress. You might also try treating yourself a little more. You deserve it for what you are going through.

He gleefully thinks he's got a seven year licence to cheat now. That's good. Let Plan B be a shock.

If you need an email IM, I'd be happy to help you out. I have an MBer as mine. You'd nead a RL one for child handovers.


I recommend your priorities be as follows:

1) Sleep (nap if you can't manage a whole night, or just lie still with a sleepmask on.
2) Eating. (Bites of whatever is to hand if your appetite has gone AWOL. Bananas are good)
3) Bubble baths and really funny films (super silly films) at the end of the day.
4) As many waking hours as poss devoted to Plan B prep as outlined in my sig.
5) Plan A. Look good, make home welcoming and start instructing him in what you want to see happen as of YESTERDAY. Walk off (politely excuse yourself) when he begins to fog-babble. You have better things to do.

Have you lost your mind, woman?? 7 YEARS??? Rapists serve less time than that!!! Stop that mindset RIGHT NOW!You will be a shell of yourself to even ALLOW him to entertain such a selfish thought of forcing you to share your husband with some skanky piece of dirt for SEVEN YEARS. Uh-huh. Okay, Saraphna. You just keep studying and praying. While you are waffling on taking action, your WH is continuing to boink the OW and is just loving life - because he knows you will allow his bad behavior. He's figuring he's got it MADE.

Do you have any timeline on when you plan to actually TAKE ACTION?

I do have a time line but he found out I am posting here so I don't want to give any details out just in case.

If you are reading here Mr Saraphna, why not start your own thread and ask for advice on helping your marriage and family?