I'm getting depressed over my situation again. Please persuade me to stick with Plan A. Its been 5 weeks now. I haven't seen much improvement in him lately. <P>My H slipped up pretty bad this <BR>week. It seems like we take a couple tiny steps forward, then about 10 steps backwards. He got real drunk Monday night, didn't come home until quite late. Says he was drinking with his work buddies. That's what he used to tell me before when he was really out drinking with his bar slut. I held my tongue, but did tell him how it made me feel. He got angry, started yelling at me, saying that its never going to work out if I don't trust him, and did I want him to leave. I said no, not to leave, but that I couldn't deal with this. He asked me if I was going to trust him and I said "not now". I'm afraid I didn't do very well at sticking to plan A. I got emotional and cried. He got madder. Told me I hadn't changed at all, etc. I just sat there and let him berate me. Then I told him I loved him and wanted to work things out. A while later he thanked me for dinner (he NEVER does that), then told me he was sorry he stayed out so late. The next day he was ok. I'm not sure he remembers all of what he said and did. This is just so hard. Yesterday I felt like I was ready to give up. I didn't contact him all day, he came home sober. <BR>I've made up my mind not to contact him during the day at all. I read an article about living with an alcoholic that you have to "detach" yourself from them, and carry on your life for yourself. I've got to do this I guess. Its just that whenever he's not with me or at home I get terrified that he's gone to see the OW. I hate living like this. Prayer helps me calm down for a little bit, then the anxiety comes right back. Oh, yes, and I do snoop. Haven't found anything yet that would lead me to believe he was still seeing her, but he is a very accomplished liar and good at covering his tracks. Sometimes I wonder if its the alcohol that enabled him to cheat on me, or if he started drinking so much because he was cheating. Thanks for your input. I don't know what I'd do without this board. I don't have anyone to talk to about this but my therapist. She thinks we're doomed.

You know, I think it's kinda unfortuneate when counselors pass judgement on our situations. From things my H told me, I got the impression that his thought I should just dump him. I thought they were supposed to help us find solutions!<P>I don't know a lot about your situation, but it sounds like you are battling two demons; the alcohol, and the OW. Does your H acknowledge that he has a drinking problem? It doesn't sound like it. I don't know a lot about this topic but there are support groups for family members of alcholics (I think one's called ALANON). I'm not sure I would like to follow the advice in that article. What a lonely existence that would be! <P>If I were you I would start doing some research on the internet to see if there are some resources that might help you get your H into treatment. Yahoo has a great search engine (HTTP:/WWW.Yahoo). Just type Alcholic in the search field. Forgive me if you know all of this already.<P>You may be correct, in that the alcohol is what caused your H to cheat. But even if he gives up OW, you will still have the alcholic to deal with. And, it you are right, then there will just be another OW.<P>I'm not sure I've been much help here. But, hang in there and keep posting!

A's Wife:<BR>My husband was both an alcoholic and a cheater. We saw a couple of counselors, I did a ton of reading and educated myself on the disease and attended Al-Anon. All the counselors and literature said that first the alcohol addiction must be addressed before the other issues can be successfully resolved. That is his biggest problem right now. <P>Please attend an Al-Anon meeting and do everything you can to educate yourself about alcoholism. I think you will find at least some peace for yourself.<P>If you ever want to talk about living with a betraying A husband, please feel free to email me at: kimk@rocketmail.com.<P>Good luck.

Hi AW -<P>I stupidly started this post to you without checking to see if you've had others recently.....so if I say something that you've covered somewhere just let me know and I'll go read it. No need to retype it!!<P>What's been happening since the post about the court, etc? Did you speak with anyone yet? Can it be resolved with mandatory rehab, etc?<P>Have you gone to Alanon yet? You have to get help with this!!! <P>You made one boo-boo - and it's a big one......NEVER try to talk to an alcoholic when they have been drinking!!<P>NEVER!!!!!<P>It does nothing but put yourself in danger!!! They are not rational and anything you say is taken as an assault!!!<P>Stop doing that RIGHT NOW....PROMISE!!!<P>Not only in danger physically, but as you well know - your self-esteem is bashed by the rantings!!!<P>You don't need that, so don't feed into it. <P>Wait until the next day or whatever to say anything if the need is still there.<P>Has this been something that you have done all along? Changing it could be good for him, also!! Shake up the expected pattern....who knows what could result!!<P>Go to Alanon!!!!<P>Let me know about any update on the court thing.<P>Your in my prayers and here's a BIG HUG!<P>Sheba

Dear AW,<P>You said that when you pray, you feel relief, but then the turmoil starts again. That should tell you something. You need prayer all the time. You can do that you know, under your breath, or in your mind. <P>I lived with an alcohol growing up. Not fun. Unpredictable. Eggshells. I HATE ALCOHOL. I know how you feel.<P>Your therapist made a boo boo by telling you this. Remember Phillipians 4:13. It sounds like your therapist doesn't believe in the power of God, or in positive thinking! <P>But, regardless - you can. Lean on God through this. It is something that the 12 step program tells you to do.<P>Good advice to check out alanon. They have forums on the web as well.<P>Delicate detachment. That is probably the most difficult thing to do. To continue loving and supporting someone, while remaining detached from THEIR problem.<P>You were told to continue your life despite his turmoiled life. This is correct. You must learn how to NOT react. You must let him suffer the consequences of his own choices in life. But to continue loving him, but not mothering him. <P>You can do this, through the grace of God. Through Christ. <P>God bless you, and you come to this forum anytime you need to. We care about you.<P>TNT

Thank you all for your insights. Tonight was a much better night. H came home sober (2 nights in a row!), was nice to me (thank you Lord). <BR>Sheba, Sidney - I am going to Al-Anon, although I need to go more frequently. And you are right, it was a big mistake for me to talk to him when he was drunk. Before, we would always, always get into a big fight whenever he came home drunk. I've been trying hard to be "detached" when he's been drinking. He must think there is something wrong with me because he hasn't been getting "b**tched at anymore when he drinks. It's real hard for me to change this though. <BR>H goes to court next week on the assault charge. One thing my therapist did say was that I should confidentially call the Prosecuting Attorney and ask that H be sentenced to an In-Patient treatment center, be made to attend AA, and to undergo counseling for at least a year. She thinks I should tell the P.A. about his past (he's a long term un-admitted alcoholic with several arrests for assault and drinking related crimes - these were quite a few years ago). Plus the fact that he gave my son alcohol. H did admit lately that giving our son whiskey was the stupidest thing he's ever done. <P>He still is in denial big time about abusing me though. Says I don't know what I'm talking about - he never "hit" me. He really believes that its not "beating" or "hitting" your wife if you just choke them or smash their head into the wall, because he didn't use his fists. I honestly think he doesn't remember most of it because he was always so drunk. <P>BaileyRae - sounds like you're in kind of the same situation that I am, except your H isn't an abuser. Is your H still involved with his OW? Mine SWEARS he hasn't seen or spoke to her since we started trying to work things out. I would really like to believe that... but right now I don't trust him. He did send her the "get lost" letter. How are you handling things? Does your H still drink? I think my therapist told me our marriage was doomed because my H will not stop drinking and refuses to get counseling. Its so depressing.<P>TNT - your posts always make me feel so much better. I do pray a lot; in my car, while I'm at work, every morning and every night. I've been praying more now for God to change me into the kind of Christian He wants me to be. I pray for strength to get through the day, and for the Holy Spirit to fill my heart and be with me through the day, guiding my thoughts, words, and actions. I feel like I need to be the perfect example of a loving Christian for my H to see. He thinks all churchgoers are hypocrites. I have to prove him wrong on this point. At least he has quit belittling me for going to church. I still continue to pray for his salvation. <P>I don't want to believe that my marriage is doomed. My therapist had told me when I first started coming to her that I needed to divorce my H, for my son's sake. We are in divorce proceedings right now, but we have both decided that we'll postpone any decisions on the divorce for the time being. I'm very worried about this upcoming court date though. Since he blames me for his assault charges, he will most likely take it out on me if he gets convicted. If the charges get dropped, he will never have an incentive to change. He will just think he can get away with it, like he always has. Thank you all again for listening and for your prayers. God bless you. <BR>

A's Wife:<BR>To answer your questions, no my husband was not an abuser. I say "was" - unfortunately, our divorce was just final last week. He decided that he didn't want to quit drinking and didn't want to give up the OW (who is 21 to his 38, by the way). The OW is now pregnant with his baby.<P>He is the kind of alcoholic who goes out every evening after work, comes home at 9:00 or 10:00, goes to bed and then does it all over again. Fortunately, we did not have any children, although I wanted them. I just couldn't justify having kids with him while he was such an active A.<P>The problem with alcoholics, and anyone in recovery will tell you this, is that they're liars and manipulators. I couldn't believe a thing the ex-H ever told me - even when he was sober. I think if he cleaned up, it would be a different story.<P>I must say that although I still have baggage & issues from my 12 years with this alcoholic man, and I wish to God things had been different for us, I haven't been happier in years not having to deal with that disease. I think if we could have successfully dealt with the alcoholism, our story would have had a much happier ending - together.<P>Good luck to you.

Dear AW,<P>It sounds like you are practicing patience! <P>I think delicate detachment is when we don't assume responsibility for other people's problems, and when we do assume responsibility for our own problems.<P>Kinda the serenity prayer - change the things you can, wisdom to know the difference...<P>We aren't loved because of our ability to take on someone else's problems. I am learning this lesson as I work through this valley myself.<P>It's incredibly painful to live with someone who discounts how you feel, disrespects your relationship, munipulates situations to punish you or in someway try to get you to conform to their ideal, living with someone who is so incredibly selfish.<P>But, you must learn how to love yourself, and transfer dependence to God, vs to a selfish and weak man. This is the challenge that you and I both have.<P>My husband isn't dealing with the disease of alcoholism, but of a disease of hatefulness, dictatorship, and sin. Your plate is extra full with the alcoholism. I feel for you, and pray God strengthens and stands by your side sooo much.<P>TNT