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Did you listen to the clips from here? Do you have the book Love Busters?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I listened here and no I do not have the book
gtravy4
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I listened here and no I do not have the book So what did you think of Dr. Harley's advice on controlling anger?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He said that Ao are when you feel disrespected and not appreciated is what causes AO and he is spot on. How I feel at those times.
gtravy4
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He said that Ao are when you feel disrespected and not appreciated is what causes AO and he is spot on. How I feel at those times. So what do you do when you feel the anger coming on? How do YOU control your anger?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I try to walk away until I'm calm and rational. I came unglued when I found out she was talking to another man on a Singles web site.
gtravy4
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Other than UA time, what have you done to recover from the original A? Did you provide your wife with a list of EP's and set boundaries around your M? Have you identified and tried to meet each other's most important EN's? Obviously, lovebusters are still in the way of recovery.
What was your wife's response to you finding out about her registering on a dating site? Personally, I think that is a VERY large issue. It is not just about having a slip in boundaries, it is her ACTIVELY seeking to have another A.
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As far as EP, I m nowhere. No I cant get her to understand the need for EN. And her response was she feels closer to men and needed someone to talk to other than me, She did say it was a lapse in judgement on her part. But since then it has been VERY Tense in the house. I am being made out as the bad guy for invading her privacy.
Last edited by gravy4; 10/20/12 04:22 PM.
gtravy4
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I feel closer to men too, and make friends better with them, but guess what...I stopped doing that when I got exclusive with my now-fiance (when we were first officially an item). I realize it's dangerous behavior, dangerous thinking.
It's not a good idea for a woman to have male friends when she is married. It's not simply a lapse in judgment, it's a choice.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I feel closer to men too, and make friends better with them, but guess what...I stopped doing that when I got exclusive with my now-fiance (when we were first officially an item). I realize it's dangerous behavior, dangerous thinking.
It's not a good idea for a woman to have male friends when she is married. It's not simply a lapse in judgment, it's a choice. Karma I'll be your friend.  As far as EP, I m nowhere. No I cant get her to understand the need for EN. And her response was she feels closer to men and needed someone to talk to other than me, She did say it was a lapse in judgement on her part. But since then it has been VERY Tense in the house. I am being made out as the bad guy for invading her privacy. Have you seen this? Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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And her response was she feels closer to men and needed someone to talk to other than me, Let me translate this for you: She has needs that are met with men, not women. That is why she feels closer to men. Simple emotional math. Her boundaries are loose to accommodate having her needs met by someone other than her husband. I am being made out as the bad guy for invading her privacy. What privacy did you invade? Did you blunder into the bathroom while she was peeing? Did you wander into the bathroom while she was shaving herself? These are invasions of privacy. What invasions of privacy is she accusing you of? Does she mean invasions into her affair? You, sir, have every right to be involved in that. It involves your marriage.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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If she feels like she can be closer to men, she is conveniently married to a man, and I'm sure you're more than willing to be close to her, right gravy?
I would tell her that you want to be close to her and be her close friend in life, and express a willingness to learn to provide whatever she is missing that she is going looking for in other men. But I would tell her that this comes with the condition that she do this exclusively with you, because it is TOO PAINFUL to you for her to be making friends with other men. You can be all she needs, and more: tell her this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Would you believe I thought you were a man, BH? Many requests for your pardon in the matter. 
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Would you believe I thought you were a man, BH? Many requests for your pardon in the matter. Haha Pardon is given. You know, I've been mistaken throughout my life(very much a tomboy who loves football). So no harm, no foul.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have told her Numerous times I want to be her best friend in Life I want to be her only, I want to be her confident, I want to be the one. That is why I am wondering am I wasting time trying?
gtravy4
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And her response was she feels closer to men and needed someone to talk to other than me, Let me translate this for you: She has needs that are met with men, not women. That is why she feels closer to men. Simple emotional math. Her boundaries are loose to accommodate having her needs met by someone other than her husband. [quote] to be involved in that. It involves your marriage. SPOT ON maritalbliss. I was this exact same woman. I thought it was just that girls didn't seem to like me and I had more in common with men. But really it was because men could meet EN's that women could not.
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As far as EP, I m nowhere. No I cant get her to understand the need for EN. And her response was she feels closer to men and needed someone to talk to other than me, She did say it was a lapse in judgement on her part. But since then it has been VERY Tense in the house. I am being made out as the bad guy for invading her privacy. It sounds like you have not recovered from her A at all. You have simply limped along, as they say, with no realization on her part that what she did was horrendously painful to you, no change in her behavior, no willingness to protect your marriage. Spending UA time is essential for creating romantic love. But there ARE couples who had romantic love, were meeting each others EN's, and STILL had an infidelity tear apart their marriage. Why? Because of poor boundaries around members of the OS. You basically took her back after her affair without any requirements, right? What was her motivation to make changes?
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I guess you are right. I am just limping along hoping for the best and I am getting the short end of the Stick. How do you convince someone that believes they are justified in their behavior
gtravy4
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HOPE is not a PLAN gravy. What you need is a PLAN. MB provides the best plan for recovering from an affair, but you have to know what that is and follow it.
Did you ever expose her A? Did you read the book SAA, which will outline Dr Harley's plan for recovering from an A?
I would also suggest making an appt with the coaching center, I hear that Steve Harley is very good at getting reluctant spouses on board with the MB program.
This is not going to turn itself around by you reacting to the situation (AO's) rather than proactively working to solve it (following the MB plan).
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I want more than Hope. I exposed her to a select few. My family would not understand or be helpful in the matter. I have not read the book. I can not afford anything other than food and shelter at this time in my life. I am making the most with what I have. Just please keep send help any way you can
gtravy4
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