How are you? Did you get the exposure done? Don't second guess yourself. Don't let any fear get in the way now. He is gonna be MAD when he finds out (has he already?) Don't listen to any of the gaslighting coming from his mouth!!!! Let his consequences hit him squarely where they belong. He is married, not single. They just don't like the consequences!!! Stand your ground. Keep your boundaries high!! Don't lower them for his anger or to make things easier for him. That is the LAST thing you want to do. He should have thought about the fallout BEFORE he made the decisions he did to cheat and lie and betray his wife and family.

I let fear get the best of me. I actually thought that he had stopped talking to her. But the moment that he landed, he called me and then started texting her again. And they've been at it all night, up until around 2:30 am. Now I've got to do it while he is at home. I am gonna call her BH first, then call her.

I'm so scared!! I am afraid of the truth, and I don't want him to leave me. I'm so scared that he will. But of course he can't run to her cause she's married. The only other place that he would be able to go would be his parents, and they are supporting us staying together and working this through. I'M JUST SO AFRAID!!

I am not a confrontational person. I hate conflict and here I am going to start it?!? That's not in my personality. How can I muster up the courage to do this??

I'm so disappointed in myself.

CnAmry,

Can't you see that he's in the process of leaving you now? Only, he's doing it on his terms, his time-scale, using you as a cushion to make leaving you as comfortable as possible for him.

Your fear does not affect him, it only affects you. What it's doing is keeping you frozen, as a bird frozen under the stare of a serpent.

Please don't sit there, frozen in fear, waiting to be crushed and swallowed by a future someone else has in store for you. With simple actions as outlined by the previous advisors, you can take CONTROL of YOUR future.

Please expose. Do it NOW, and leave no stone unturned. Where he ends up staying after exposure is his problem, not yours. He's the one who's burning bridges, you're just sounding the alarm.

Don't let the fear control you. Please move!

Thank you so much.

A friend of mine is an inspirational speaker and she is going to talk to me tomorrow morning and help me build up my courage to call her BH and the OW. She is also going to help me with what to say and how to sound strong and confident. I will let you know how it goes.

I'm so sorry to see that.

One more day while you talk to your friend. From there, it will be one more day while you get your thoughts together. Then, one more day while you script your plan. Then one more day, one more day . . .

Sadly, whet you're doing is very common here. You are paralyzed in fear of what's happening in your life and you're following that fear. The fear of losing your marriage will almost certainly result in you losing your marriage.

Every day the affair continues unimpeded is just one more day your husband and his AP have to grow their emotional bond, especially when he's out of town and can communicate with her virtually unimpeded. Every day that you delay is one day lost to your marriage, one day lost to recovery, one more day that the infidels control your life and your future.

You don't need an inspirational speaker to show you how to be a woman. Stand up for yourself! Stand up for your marriage! By God, stand up for your kids, CnAmry! Do not let this immoral [edit] take your husband without a fight.

Strike now, not tomorrow. Every day is another day lost to OW.

I suspect it's not the truth you are afraid of, it's fear of the future and the unknown. This isn't an unusual fear, but it will not serve you. It will paralyze you. And of course you don't want him to leave you, but doing nothing will not keep that from happening. Take control of this, Cn. The conflict began when another woman inserted herself into YOUR marriage. You need to take back the reins of your marriage, Cn. When you call the OWH I think you will be relieved to be acting to take back your marriage.

Pump yourself up and get on the phone. Remind yourself of the outrage that you feel - how DARE that Ho try to destroy your marriage! How DARE she waltz into your life and turn it upside like she has! How DARE she kick dirt in her husband's face by carrying on with another man!

Stop feeling the fear, Cn, and start feeling the outrage! Hell, I'm so mad on your behalf right now that I could rip OW's lips off! She'd be on her knees, thanking God that it was ONLY a phone call from me!

Well--the number I had for her BH was a disconnected number. So I wrote him a letter which I will mail overnight delivery and certified so that he had to sign for it.

Good job, for at least sending it certified.

Hi Cn, I've just read your thread. Well done for sending the letter certified.

I know you fear the fallout of exposure but please listen to the advice you have been given. Exposure is the best tool you have to kill the A. While an A is active you have no chance for to recover your marriage. The longer you leave exposure the more entrenched the A becomes and the harder/longer it will take for the A to die. This will be more painful than dealing with temporary anger as you watch your WS become more hardened and see the damage his behaviour causes you and your family.... first hand experience, I found MB family 5/6 months after DDay, I had no idea of the benefits of exposure.

It is also important to expose as this is your opportunity to voice the truth. Waywards as you know are not honest and will put a spin on the A and you will not be cast in a complimentary light.

There is a link in Melodylane's sig re exposure or you can find the thread in notable posts. If you haven't already read the thread, it contains useful information about exposure and some updates from MBer's who like you feared exposure but once they exposed were relieved and could see the benefits.

You have many people who will provide support and encouragement to help you along the way.

I called the OW number and her BH answered the phone. He had found her phone records a couple of weeks ago and has been dealing with a lot on his end. Needless to say, I was met with a lot of hostility and angry outbursts. I confronted WH about this phone call and he came clean FINALLY. The A had not become physical, I think that is because her BH found out about the A before it had a chance to.

So...WH, told me that he was attracted to her and he wasn't sure how he felt about either one of us. He was completely honest with me. And had several anger outbursts blaming me for everything. I am so proud of myself for remaining calm and confident the whole time. I never let my anger get the best of me. I found out from WS that OW is now moving out of state and is getting a divorce from her BH. He has told me that she is cutting ties with everyone in our state due to the anger that her BH is feeling. She is "afraid" for my WS (how sweet of her 😝).

I am glad that she will be out of state and I will continue to monitor the phone records. I have asked WS to be completely open and honest with me from now on. I surprised him by keeping my anger outbursts under control, even when he was telling me stuff that he knew I didn't what to hear and would make me uncomfortable. I did not show any anger or tears or vulnerability.

He has agreed to being open and honest with me. He is now depressed and he's in the spare room. I told him that I understand that this is a difficult road that we are on, but I told him that I am here for him, if he would like to talk. And left it at that. I know that I've got to let him mourn his A. I will be here to help put the pieces back together.

It was a long 3 hours, but we finally talked!!

CnAmry, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen closely here.

You just got a whole bunch of fogbabble gobbleygook from a wayward spouse. Everything you think you know, you do NOT know. Everything you have been told by your WAYWARD husband who is involved in an affair, is likely not true, not even close to true, completely invented just to throw you off his trail.

The A had not become physical....because your WH who is in the affair told you so???

He was completely honest with me....because your WH who is completely foggy and in an affair told you so???

I found out from WS that OW is now moving out of state and is getting a divorce from he BH, and is cutting ties with everyone in our state....so see honey you don't need to worry about contact because she isn't even going to be in our state anymore, so its not even possible, see?

And OW and your WH are using fear of her 'crazy BH' to manipulate you, VERY standard wayward behavior btw. Wonder what she is telling her BH about YOU, ya?

And asking a WH who is involved in an affair to be completely honest with you, is just asking for a false recovery.

You need to keep your guard up, keep snooping, keep exposing, continue with creating your requirements for recovery (such as NC letter), and move cautiously here. I smell a FR from a mile away.

But, good job on keeping your James Bond cool here.

I also think, as you move forward with recovery (while verifying all the very likely false info your WH gave you), you should require him to take a polygraph. If he has totally come clean to you, told you all the information, truly been 'completely honest' and is committed to recovery, he should have NO problem with this.

What requirements have you given him?

NC letter?
Poly?
What are his EPs?

Good job avoiding love busters but do not believe for a moment you are in recovery.

Study all of the marriage builder concepts
plan A
plan B

emotional needs
love busters
etc.

snoop

snoop deeper and more and more

be on guard within and stick to plans.

read this if you have not yet
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Hey there. Please don't think for one second that your H is telling you the truth in any of this!!! For now, probably NOT!!!! He knows you!! He knows what it is that he is going to have to say to get you to back off. Heck, if you believe him, then he is sittin' pretty good!!! They will tell you ANYTHING!!! I can't believe the lies that came out of my WH's mouth. They sounded plausible!! BUT, they were totally lies. Don't buy into anything!! Don't feel sorry for him!! Don't let your fears take over either! Don't make any of this easier for your WH!!! He HAS to feel the weight of the consequences. Keep snooping. Require a poly!!! Stand up for yourself NOW!!!! You really have to make the choices for yourself that you are not going to accept this behavior and treatment. Draw your line/boundaries and don't budge!! If he is a decent man, he will rise from the consequences and meet your expectations. He is NOT out of the fog, yet. Just expect everything he says to be spin, minimized, complete lies, cover-up, rationalization, justification and any other sales pitch he needs to give you to try to get you to back off. DON'T back off!! This is YOUR life!! No time for fear now honey!!!!

What are EP's?
The letter is already on its way.

His work computer has to be password protected, I used to know his password, but now he's changed it. Anyone know how to get it without locking his computer? If I enter it incorrectly it will lock and then he'll know that I was trying to get into his computer.

I'm sorry I haven't read through your whole thread. Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you need to do so. It will explain in detail the narrow road back from an affair.

EP's are Extraordinary Precautions. These are the items you require of a wayward spouse to protect your marriage from future affairs. ALL marriages should have precautions/boundaries that are put in place to protect them. But once there has been an A involved, those are replaced with 'extraordinary' precautions.

Think of EP's as requirements to protect your marriage, and make you feel safe. If something does not make you feel safe, you should have an EP about it. Standard EP's (and necessary rules for ALL marriages) are no nights apart and no opposite sex friends. Ones specific to your situation might be, if your WH took his phone into the bathroom to call or text his OW, no taking your phone into the bathroom. This is because it provides him with a way to contact OW, and/or makes you feel unsafe.

I will try and find some links to EP lists for you to get started. These should be written out and provided to your WH. Post them here first and you can get some feedback on them.

In your 'new' marriage following his affair, there will be NO secrets of any kind, secret accounts, secret PW's...you should have complete and total access to his phone, voicemails, text messages, computer accounts, email accounts, facebook accounts, etc.

Him changing his PW to something you do not know is a BIG RED FLAG. The only reason to password protect something and not provide your wife with the PW, is if you have something to hide from her.

In my situation, if I were to come across an account that was PW protected and my known PW's didn't work, I would ask my H to tell me the PW (and expect that he enthusiastically and quickly offered that up to me). In fact this just recently happened with his LinkedIn account. The expectation is that he has absolutely no privacy from me, nor do I from him.

In your situation, I don't know that you want to be so confrontational with your WH, because I would put money on the fact that he is still in contact with his AP and will just take it further underground. Other posters might have more insight into how you can snoop on his computer without tipping him off that you are.