My husband and i just got married at the start of this year after 6yrs of dating, Together we have a 3yo son. Previously our communication was great and now it feels like its been shut down & we are easily frustrated with each other, surprisingly our sex life is still amazing. He comes from an Italian family so family is a big thing for him. Three months after we got married my ex boyfriend moved in directly across the street with his girlfriend, He and i dated for 3ys before i met my husband, We had a very intense relationship, Him being my 1st sexual partner, We loved each other maybe a little too much, He was very jealous, possessive and had a frightening loss of control with his anger when he'd think i was flirting with someone else, We had a bitter break up and still have mutual friends. When my husband found out who he was through my friend he became irritated with me telling me that i should have told him who he was & why i didn't tell him, Since then i have felt the distance growing between us. Many members of my family have had relationships end in divorce from cheating and i think my husband thinks i'll do the same to him. My ex is an attractive guy and he'll either park outside our house or whenever i leave the house & he is outside he just keeps looking at me, I get nervous and butterflies ( childish i know but i do). My husband is FDNY and works shift hours and when im alone at home i start crying knowing how apart we've become. We had a heated argument and a friends party last week and when we decided to leave he started speeding, When i asked him to slow down he just told me to 'chill out, he knows what hes doing', When he got home the fighting started again, He kept throwing it back in my face that i tried to hide the fact that my ex moved in across the street & wanted to know why i wouldn't tell him something like that, When i asked why it bothered him so much, That i havent spoken a word to him & did he not trust me with him he just stared at me and then said look at your family. I know he has no trust in me. Where do i go from here?

Why in the world did you not tell your husband in the first place? This is critical information that he had a right a need to know. Your former lovers and his former lovers are potential foxes in the henhouse so it only makes sense that you should both be aware of potential threats.

Jealousy is a reaction to a threat in marriage. That is why your husband is upset. The solution is to remove the threat.

Fifty percent of marriages experience affairs. Those affairs come from opposite sex friendships and continued contact with former lovers. And here you have one living across the street? That is not good for your marriage or his.

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You destroyed your husbands trust by not telling him and by not even being aware of the risk. He knows now you are not SAFE. Your husband shouldn't trust you.

Welcome to MB. Besides all the excellent advice from Mel.

Have you apologized to your DH?

What have you done for your DH since this?

I hurt for your DH. Imagine going to work for 36 hours not feeling safe from his wife. Will your DH come here so we may help him also?

You dated this guy 10 years ago, experienced his anger issues and controlling nature, and had a 'bitter breakup' - yet you 'get butterflies' when you see him? AND you 'neglected' to tell your H about him moving in across the street? I am questioning YOUR boundaries

I can't blame your H for his response to your deception about this man moving in. He appears to have a good reason for being upset with you. You have deceived him by omission, for not telling him about your XBF.

If you've been reading on this site for any length of time, you know what you need to do: MOVE.

You also need to start spending more time alone with your husband, rebuilding your marriage. How much time alone do you spend with your H now? Undivided time - I don't mean with your son around, or watching TV. I mean time where your attention is focused on him, and his attention is on you.

Why the long wait between having a child together and getting married?

Why didn't you tell him?

? What does that have to do with this topic?

Tell H you want to move all of you far away from the OM. NYFD can live in the counties surrounding NYC.

I asked because usually it is one person reluctant, and was hoping to find if it was him or her. She seems wayward-ish, and I would advise her differently depending on whether it was him or her who put off the marriage.

An excellent radio clip of the Harleys discussing opposite sex relationships.

Radio clip on opposite sex relationships

Dr Harley says we should not trust our spouses. Everyone is capable of mistakes. Everyone is capable of being deceptive.

And you WERE deceptive. You hid the truth. You have proved to be untrustworthy.

He knows you are not honest and forthright. He knows you sweep things under the rug. Change his perception by changing yourself.

Have you told your husband you continue to have feelings or 'butterflies' for this ex?

This is a danger to your marriage and your husband deserves to be warned.

If you are deceptive he will see you as deceptive. If you are brave, forthright and honest, he will see you as such.

Tell him the danger is serious and you need to move.

Your husband is right.

You need to tell him something like "I want to apologize for not telling you that I knew ExBF and he was my ex. I guess I felt uncomfortable about the whole situation and I didn't want to stir up trouble. Well guess, what, I did! I should have been open and honest with you about this and we should have dealt with this as a team. I don't want anything to do with ExBF and I want you to feel comfortable. Can we brainstorm ways to address this situation? For example, I see exBF sitting outside and looking at our house. We could talk to someone and see if a restraining order is necessary. I am willing to move if you want. I am willing to give you the passwords to my phone and computer and let you see the history on both any time you want.
I had no knowledge that he was going to move in on our street and the whole situation is making me very uncomfortable as well."

I would add that 6 years together + just married this year + 3 year old child = high probability they were living together before marriage, and have a renter's mindset.

She gets excited by her ex standing outside all stalkerish ogling her, her husband works long hours away.

This is a recipe for disaster.



OP, you are in danger of destroying your marriage and family.

I agree very much. It matters much why they just got married and they have a 3 year old child. That speaks to the outlook of the marriage.