You are modifying the plans here. Do not expect good results.


You can read all of the plans here on this site for free. You can listen to Dr. Harley on the radio every day for free.

If you want more than Hope, why are you not following the Plan?? You exposed to a select few? You haven't read the book? Are you going to follow the MB plan, or the Gravy plan? (FYI: I haven't seen anything on the internet about the success rate of the Gravy plan. I hope that works for you.)

How much do you think divorce costs?

Just please keep send help any way you can...

You are failing to get past step number one, my friend, and that is the full internalization of the fact that the only person who can perform the acts that MIGHT save your marriage is YOU!

Our only "help" can be advice (and interpretation if needed). You have made a practice of rejecting most of the advice (I have not read the book), and interposing your own (occasionally counter-productive) interpretations (My family would not understand or be helpful).

Your results thus far are consistent with what might be expected of such a disjointed approach to a proven MB program.

It is a hard thought to process, what NG just said. That SHE is the one who had the A and YOU are the one who has to lead your marriage out of this mess.

You just have to decide, if you want a divorce or you want a marriage better that you have ever had. If you want a D, at this point, nobody would fault you for it. But if you want a marriage that is better than you have ever had, YOU need to lead it in that direction.

It would be wonderful if your WW would realize how devastating her actions have been, and put 110% of herself into fixing the damage she has caused. Clearly, that is not the case.

If you want to stop limping along, you need to start taking action. I have a suspicion you KNOW what that action is, you say you have been reading on here for months. Then you, like I, have read a thousand threads encouraging exposure, you have seen the affects of NOT exposing as well as the affects of exposing. You have read about Plan A and Plan B, EP's, boundaries. No OS friends, no secret accounts and passwords. You probably know without reading the book the jist of the program already.

You just aren't acting on it. Why?

You need to expose her affairs and her recent online behavior to everyone. You need to hold her accountable for these actions. You do NOT need to 'give her time' to establish online affairs with other men.

You need to provide her with a list of EP's that are REQUIRED for YOU to stay in this marriage. This is not about her accepting you back after her affair, it is about YOU giving her the gift of a husband who is willing to build a better marriage than you have ever had after HER affair. But she needs to be a part of this recovery, or there is no recovery at all.

She needs to agree to NC, with her OM and with any OM's she has established through her online dating profile. She needs to read and agree to the EP's that YOU create, which would include no OS friends.

You present this to her in a matter of fact, loving but firm way, without AO's and without stepping into the mud with her. You let her know that you are done limping along, and you have given her PLENTY of time to mourn her wayward ways. Now it is time for action, one way or another.

And you need to be ready and willing to enact Plan B if she decides that recovery is not what she is 'ready' for. Then, it becomes about protecting yourself from her wayward behavior and her thoughtless lack of remorse for her affair and the devastation it caused you. And to protect yourself from a wife who is not only unwilling to recover from HER affair, but continuing to seek out additional affairs.

BTW, I looked up the SAA book on Amazon, you can get a used book + shipping for less than $5. Less than the cost of a Big Mac meal at Mcee D's. You really need to make this expenditure, it will be the Plan that you say you are looking for.

You can do this gravy. You deserve so much more than limping along. But you have to stand up for yourself and your marriage here, and become the captain of this vessel.

Please listen to this radio clip of a man's wife having an affair and the WW says she wants to be alone.
Radio clip on a WW and a BH

Tell us what you think.

If Gravy emails into the show, won't the Harley's send him a copy of SAA ? It seems a standard practice for them on the radio show.

G-Man,

Youre now just over 2 months from your one year anniversary and you havent progressed much. Its certainly not too late and lets start today to see if we can save this thing.

You start today by exposing the affair far and wide. As you will read from the materials this serves as a knock upside the head to your wife when her friends, family, and children know that she's embarked on a cruise to Outside the Marriage Tookie-ville. Dont care if its now a year old and the A is extinct, she is online looking to chat up with dudes who are not you so adultery is something she's still pursuing.

THEN, you are to lay out Extraordinary Precauations that she is to agree to which should include complete transparency in her daily activities and oversight of her computer and cell phone usage. Then you let her know about things are looking for to make you happy. Maybe stepped up intimacy and/or help around the house. Then you tell her what you intend to do to make her happy. Throw in a ton of alone time.

Now, since you are well passed her dday, Id have a time frame in mind that if she steps out of line, its bye bye Gravy-Train.

Life is too short to be treated so shoddily by someone who vowed to be your best friend and wife.

i am listening to the Attachment, I have tried numerous times to show her my love and affection and the response I get is to stop and give her space and time, I guess my attempts at showing her love and affection are not what she wants or I"m doing it wrong.

What about all the other stuff? Filling EN's (if affection is one of her top ones in the first place) are great, but it will not save the day here.

What about exposure? EP's/boundaries? Requirements for her to stay with YOU?

I working on The EP, boundries, and Requirements again. I want to put they down in writing. So that I can have a Document to look back on if needed.

As far as exposure the only people left are my family. Like I said before they would not be helpful at. They can be bitter people, that is part of the reason I live so far away from them.

Gravy4,

Was the OM ever exposed, it might take work, but can yield the greatest results.

God Bless
Gamma

Great! Make sure you post them here, you can get some great guidance doing that.

Sorry I have not been on in awhile, I've been working some crazy hours. Me and the wife talked last night without any AO from me. SHe feels that the marriage is over. Im starting to feel the same way. We don't have anything in common, with no hope of creating any new common bonds. I am talking to a Lawyer today. She does not know that i am taking this step. I asked her point blank if she was still in contact with any of the men from the singles website and you know the answer. Well I have the proof in a word document now. I am going in to plan B any advise from here on out.
What precautions do I need to take. Finacial questions, Children ? , anything helps. I do appreciate the help you all have sent my way. I know I did not follow the plan as scripted and that would have made a difference. Hopefully with the knowledge I have, I can make a difference down the LONG road ahead.

On a Side note, No I did not confront her about continued conversations wit hother men. I am taking that info with me to the Lawyer to see what it will do to help the situation. I should be back on here this afternoon, What fo your replies. Have a Great day to all.