3 months of plan A, no change going to plan B. Your right life is short if WW doesn't want me, then I will move on.

WW keeps telling me the only thing holding her back is the kids. But she was just telling me, she is tired of doing things for other people, she wanted to do something for herself.

So i said "Just go" and stop making up excuses that I am holding her back because of the kids.

I am at the point, where Plan B sounds like the best thing for my WW.

Thank you to everybody who helped but...I can't love someone who can't love me back (or even try). I hope others who are going through same situations, have better success.

Looks like Divorce is going to be the best situation. I have to let WW go for my own Sanity and my life with my kids. I just don't know how custody will work. I know typically Females have it better. I guess I will be posting this question in the divorce forums, once I file.

LS, I don't know if I'm the best person to comment on this, but I can at least tell you what I have gone through so far. I exposed back in early Sep. She hated me for a good month after that, stating we would never get back together now. During the next month, her hate has cooled to a mild resentment. During the past 2 weeks, I have seen her resentment fade a lot and we are starting to get along really good. She still sleeps on the couch and isn't wearing her ring, but the difference these past 2 weeks has been very stark in comparison to the first month. Women can easily take 3 months to a year to get over there affair fog from what I have read. I believe you expectations on when she would be willing to work on this are unrealistic for a WW. I've seen a lot more WH's willing to reconcile this early that WW's. Most often WW's I've read about here take a few months before they are really ready.

The long term posters here can better address this. I am planning on doing my plan A into the new year, and I simply just be a good person to be around and try to ignore all of the fog talk (which is ALL you will get right now). For example, a little over a week ago I sent my wife a text letting her know how I feel about her and that I miss her. She writes back stating she doesn't feel that way anymore, and she can't stand being around me. Well, for someone that can't stand being around me, she never flees my presence, and we've spent a lot more time together recently, especially on Saturday. I've been able to touch her in non-SF ways and she doesn't recoil in horror. In short, what she said about not being able to stand being around me was all bull**** fog talk. It isn't true. It's her defense mechanism to keep me from getting too close because she knows she is vulnerable to me, and because she is trying to cling to her resentment and the fantasy of being with the OM. It takes a long time for women to get over this stuff.

If you can personally handle it (I know how tough this is) then just hold on. You know your situation better than anyone, though, so make the decision that is best for you.

Thanks falconrap......just so hard dealing with fog or in general a women's emotion especially when she is pissed.

I am just trying to be a better person now but I keep trying to prepare myself to let go but I love my WW. It hurts so much to think about letting her go. She has always taken care of me in the past. Without the A, I know I neglected her needs prior to this. Why do men ignore the signs:(

Tell me about it. What really sucks is that far too many women don't realize that most men (those who truly love them) will move heaven and earth to do what is needed to make things right IF we know. Women need to remember that we can't read their minds and that they need to tell us when something is wrong so we can fix it.

Just remember that your WW is going to continue to babble bull to you. If she's communicating with friends, it will be the same. She is rationalizing things to make YOU the source of her issues, that way she can try to relieve herself of the guilt. I bet anything she's probably crying an depressed when she is by herself. I could tell, for the first month, that my wife was frequently crying and depressed. Those symptoms are becoming less, especially as I continue to try to meet her EN's as best as I can. It will take time for her to stop being pissed at you. I just started ignoring it all and simply let her go through what she is going through. Just let her wallow in it and don't get sucked into it. If you want to save your marriage, let things drag on while trying to meet her EN's and avoid love busters. This will plug the hole in the boat and let you have the time you need for her anger and resentment to cool off. Once that happens, deposits should start exceeding withdrawals.

Right now I think I am at the 3 units in 2 units out level. Slowly...but surely...I am building up a positive account. At your stage, you are doing well if it's a net 0. It's really hard right now for you. A month ago I was depressed and had constant physical pains and mental anguish. As I started seeing little things improve, the pains became much less and the depression infrequent. I'm not out of the woods yet, and have a long way to go, but I decided I was in for the long haul and I think I will make it. If I succeed the marriage I will have will be far better than ever and well worth the effort. If not, I will be better prepared for my next relationship.

My motto right now: Nothing in life is worthwhile if you don't have to work for it.

I read your thread Falconrap and I hope I can be as strong as you during your whole ordeal. The 1 major difference in our stories is, the OM is single and he already told me "he won't stop loving her"

I am afraid Plan B and letting her be with that guy may be the only way i can possible get her back (mind/body). The problem is, I don't think i can take her back if she ends up with the OM.

Even if Plan A works and she comes back, for her, there might never be closuer unless that OM gets married and have kids or he tells her to away. The OM parents don't care (scum). Right now, they both believe that i am torturing her by trying to force her to stay. I talked to the OM about 2 weeks ago, of course he can tell me anything.

I hope it all works out for you, you are a great man and no matter what happens don't forget that. I try to tell myself too but i think you understand...how can a great man allow his WW to be neglected......or maybe that's her fog talking to me.

I had found that my WW's OM was single as well, but he's 1000 miles away and bolted when I exposed. In your case, you may have to go plan B. I'm not you and understand it's a personal decision on whether or not you could take her back if she went to be with him and late came back. If you "might" take her back, though, I would at least put in a good plan A while you prepare for plan B so she knows what she is leaving.

Having the OM still involved is not going to allow you to get anywhere with her, though. I would definitely be protecting myself if I was in your shoes. Just remember that affairs like these almost always end, and usually do so within a few months. Wish I could help more. I got lucky with the situation I am in. I have a chance to get to her and move the needle back in my direction over time. For you, until the affair ends, you're stuck in limbo, which absolutely sucks. Stay strong and remember that YOU didn't cause this...SHE did. Never forget it, and don't let them win.

I don't think that is true at all. I think many women do complain, and many men neglect the complaints (and vice versa). I have read that Dr Harley specifically targets men who are neglectful of their wives complaints with his work. I don't think it is because they don't love their wives, but rather because they are uneducated on what a good marriage requires, which is where MB comes in.

Not that any of that is an excuse for what your wives are putting you through, by any means. No matter what neglect takes place, if any, it is never an excuse for betrayal.

Just felt the need to stand up for us women tho:)

That may be the case in some situations, but my wife never, ever, came out and told me she was unhappy with me or felt like we were drifting apart until some 10 months after she started up her EA. There are times when men will here a complaint from a woman but it seems petty or small, or not overly significant. Women need to be 100% clear with men, and vice versa, what they are feeling and why. The MB program is big on making sure we actually know what each others EN's are and how to fill them, while also learning what the LB's are and how to avoid those. The pattern is the same. Couples fail, a lot, to properly communicate needs and things they dislike.

In my case, my wife has self-esteem issues and she pulled away from SF due to the way she felt about her body (weight gain after each child). She started driving a wedge between us and I pulled away some, and she used that has justification for her EA in her mind. She failed to communicate how this was making her feel. She just up and did her EA. I've seen this type of thing on a lot of threads. This doesn't mean that men don't do the same thing. We do. I didn't tell her directly how I felt. I just implied it a lot.

I think if every couple would start out with a copy of HNHN and live it, divorce would plummet. We all need to learn to communicate with each other.

Situation update*

Probably really heading to divorce or seperation. But i wanted to bring this up.

WW wants to talk about custody of the kids, how to divide it up. She keeps talking about how having an unhappy wife/mom in the same household isn't good for the kids. I already gave her the story, the best thing for the kids is to make this work. She doesn't want to hear it.

So do

A) Tell her, if she wants to leave she can leave and then let court decided custody.(which i know is biased against men)

b) Try to work it out like a doormat for the sake of the kids? They love both parents and besides this 1 issue, she has been a really good mom

I know A is probably the answer

Definitely A. She must, MUST, know that this will be a knock down drag out fight. She has to know that there are consequences for her actions. I don't know what state you are in, but many are getting much more friendly for men and, in a lot of states, the wayward's actions can be used in determination of moral fitness. You need to get with a lawyer NOW and get all the info you can on your state's laws. In FL, everything starts at 50/50 including time-sharing of the kids. Moral fitness can be used to determine where the kids should primarily stay and can impact who sees them the most. It all depends on your state's laws.

Also, keep this in mind, my wife told me she wanted a divorce back in August. We are still together. Get with a lawyer and review your laws ASAP. In some states, like mine, filing first means ZERO. In others, it means everything. You need that info now. But you also need to remember that she could be spouting all fog babble. Right now, her taker is going to make her tell you anything to get rid of you so that she can go live in fantasy land. You can put the brakes on all of this, slow things down, and start to turn the tide, but only if OM goes away. Otherwise, you may need to plan B her and let her go screw things up with the OM and see what happens, or move on.

You are in a tough spot, but just because she says divorce right now, doesn't mean it is inevitable.

She needs a serious reality check, in my opinion.

I'd stop listening to her woe-is-me about staying for the kids and tell her that

"You're right. If you're so miserable being here with me and the kids, then you need to leave."

Make sure that your conversations include words that indicate that she is CHOOSING to leave you AND the kids.

Entertain NO talk about custody and visitation and the like other than "Well, me and the kids are staying here while you leave. Lock the door on your way out, please."

Oh, and OM never left the picture. He's got to go if this is ever going to turn around. What relatives and friends of his have you not contacted? I'd re-expose this with all of the subtlety of an atom bomb.

Something alone these lines...

Dear friends,

As you know, my wife has been committing adultery with OM since ___. We have ___ young children and our family has been nearly destroyed by this. I want, more than anything, for our marriage and family to survive but cannot do so while OM is still in the picture.

I am asking you to use your influence, whatever that might be, to make sure that OM stays far away from me, my wife and children. Their adultery has devastated our family and I appreciate whatever help you may be able to offer. If you have any questions, you can give me a call at ___.



For those that respond negatively, just tell them that you're sorry to hear that they won't support your family but that they are free to give you a call when they change their mind.

Sounds bleak, my man.

You and she are early on in this thing, but only you can decide next steps. In truth, after the removing of my heart and stomping on it that my wife did, only her remorse, sorrow, and commitment to me and us, has gotten me to this point. You appear to have none of those things going for you. Id say you need more time.

If not, go into Plan B like a m-ef f-er and protect yourself and children.

Go in like a Seal Team 6 ninja, get an Intermediary who you can trust, give her glimspe of what life is like sans LS. Let her know you will be calling her home wrecker boyfriend and any friend of hers who enabled this to court to testify. And I think the vets will have a lot of more really cool stuff to do.

KEEP A JOURNAL OF EVERY INTERACTION. If she somehow decides to stay in the marital home, you write down every word she utters to you, leer sent your way, and every otherwise subtle jab she tosses.

Read the Dr's Plan B game plan. Live it. The beauty of MB is even though you at a low place in your life today it helps you walk away with dignity. I like to think after divorce, you can imagine the type of troll she'll attract as an adultress. She'll deserve every one of them and misery that they will bring.

Lets say she finds one she likes and starts dating, how long before he finds out she's a cheater? THATS always good to have on your resume. She wants to be a player now. Bad for you and your kids to be around.

So, what was your decision, and what was her response?